A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my boyfriend was looking at his ex's profile online. I snooped, I know I shouldn't, but he was acting shady. Then I confronted him about it. At first he completely denied looking at her profile, and then got angry. Later he admitted to it, and said that sometimes he misses her as they were together for six years. The thorny part of the problem is, he has low self-esteem and she seems to me to have been conning and manipulating him the entire time. I don't think he'd get back together with her, as she cheated on him, but he still hates her very much. He does have to contact her occasionally because she has a loan he cosigned on, which she often "forgets" to pay. I guess I am of the opinion that any feeling about the ex means you're not completely over her. He says that it makes him want to throw up when he does look at her pictures. I suppose still missing somebody who used you, or perhaps only still having to contact her, would make me throw up too...However, when I saw that he does this it upset me greatly and I felt like he isn't being true to what we have. His statements of complete devotion are false, because maybe a part of his heart is hers, always. That hurts me. We've been together a little over a year, and I'd assume by now if he was going to not think about her, but me, he would've. They have been broken up for five years. Yet there is the loan he has to contact her about. But looking at her profile on top of it...? (They communicate by email, not this site he was checking out) I don't want to be sloppy seconds. Period. Other than that I do love him, he treats me well. But this has really upset me. My question to you is, should I dump him for this? Can he get over her, if he hasn't yet? Is he a huge liar for denying the issue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto clarify, he looked at it multiple times, like once per week... If he had just looked at it once I would've put it down to curiosity...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): Six years is quite a while for someone to be in a relationship, and I'm sure he does still think about her. I was with my ex for a year and a half. I moved from where I was (Arizona) up to where I am now (Washington state) to be with him. We lived together for about a year. We bought pets together, we bought furniture and things together, and we kind of grew up a little together. I broke up with him after a year and a half of dating him (we were in long-distance for the first nine months, and had been living together for about seven). He continuously chatted with other girls, and did a couple things that really hurt me. But once the fire (if there was any to begin with...) was gone, it was gone, and there was no getting it back.
Do I think about him from time to time? Yes. Do I miss him? No. Can a relate a lot of what I do today with my current boyfriend whom I plan on marrying to my ex's and my relationship? Yes. Do I look at his Facebook to see what's new with him? Yes. And I make fun of it relentlessly, because I can see that he still hasn't grown up.
It's nothing for my current boyfriend to be concerned with. I love with with all of my heart, but the thing is, I would never tell him that I have been looking at my ex's profile, simply because I know that he would question me over it. There's absolutely nothing he has to worry about, but I know that he would. It's just the jealous nature of people. I don't even contact my ex, it's just funny to get a glimpse at what I used to find attractive, and what I know that I DEFINITELY don't regret leaving.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): All men are curious from time to time about how those people we once knew well are getting along. It doesn't mean we are cheating, or that we think any less of you. It is just being human.
It would be a pretty harsh woman that stamped on that curiosity, and you run the risk that in becoming so controlling he will see you in a new light.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 If you love him and he treats you well, it should be good enough . No one is perfect and you cannot expect perfection in any relationships.
It is difficult to erase the past and it will always be there.
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