A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I was just dumped after a 9 year relationship. I am having such a hard time getting over it since we still share the same interests ( so i run into him often), the same friends, and we live within walking distance of one another. This guy was my high-school sweetheart though we have broken up in the past to date other people. I thought this was out of his system, but I see now that once again he has returned to his thought process that "the grass is greener on the other side." I am currently working on my grad degree and have had two high-profile career jobs since completely my undergrad. He is 25 now and still has not finished his undergrad.... really he had nothing to offer. In addition, it boggles my mind that countless people would tell him how lucky he was to have a girl like me... successful, caring, non-judgemental, and beautiful. He would always be offended when people would refer to me as being "our of his league." In his break-up speak he said that he "knew that he wouldn't find anyone that would ever be better than me, but that he thinks that there is someone better suited for him than me." Keep in mind this guy has said this in the past and ran back 6 months after the fact numerous times. I am having a hard time understanding why I see him out doing things with people that he would never do with me (baseball games, amusement parks, etc.) especially when that is all I ever wanted from him was to approach life with a more "fun-loving" attitude. Why was this not possible with me and will he be as competetive with someone new? He thinks that I am blindsided and do not see that he is trying to date everyone I know. He has even gone as far as trying to blind date people off the internet. My family and friends are glad to see that he is gone because they knew that the way he treated me so competetively and non-jealous about other guys and non-caring about anything important was a sign that he was not in love with me. And I admit that I would go out of my way to no end to do things for him with the knowledge that I would receive nothing in return. Is this guy going to pull a 180 and treat the next girl like gold? Why if I was such a "catch" did he admit that he didn't appreciate me? How can I get over this when every adult memory I have involves "us"?
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female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 July 2008):
 Well, like you said, he really had nothing to offer you. For a male, that's pretty emasculating. Not very good to have those undertones in a relationship. It's also not true that he won't find someone that loves and cares about him more than you. If a guy says things like "No one will love you more than I love you"- it's often a sign of someone that is controlling and this is considered emotional blackmail. Once again, I get the feeling that you are approaching relationships from the wrong mentality. It may not be things you said outright, but it's there nonetheless. I don't think you did this intentionally and that your motives were wrong, I just think that your actions demonstrated you thinking you were better than him and that's not very loving. I'm not saying his were any better, but he didn't write in to the site.
I know it's very difficult to move on from someone that you spent so many years with and I've been in your position. It's a real lifestyle change. Once again, you are comparing what he's doing to what you are doing, who is really the competitive one? I think it's natural to miss him but like you said, you didn't feel he did much to contribute to your life and wasn't jealous (this is actually pretty healthy) and wasn't involved in important things in your life. I think he loved you but at some point, you guys grew apart. When you get together so young, this is almost inevitable.
All of us have an ego but about different things. I think yours is interfering with getting over him.
I had a boyfriend for 3+ years that was a total control freak and a jerk and I dumped him because I was miserable but I still loved him. About 6mths later he got some girl pregnant and married her. I was shocked because I was convinced he would never find someone as good as me and I wanted him to live in misery for how he treated me- didn't happen obviously. I kept thinking "Why does she get all the good stuff?!!" Well, that was just the wrong perspective and it held me back from moving on. He wasn't what I wanted but she could accept him like that! She didn't get any better than what I got, she just liked him more because he was enough for her and he wasn't for me. I kept getting irritated about how he would drop college courses and be irresponsible. She didn't mind so in essence, she probably loved him more than I could have and as much as it was hard for me to admit, he was probably much happier.
My mom and dad were married 15yrs and argued all the time, total opposites. When they divorced, he married my stepmom (former runner up for miss utah) and my mom was horrified that he married some "bimbo". Well, he and that "bimbo" have been happily married for over 30 years. Yeah, my Dad didn't ever really "pay" or "appreciate" my mom the way she felt he needed to or "learn" from his mistakes. He learned with a new woman and that drove her crazy for years. She never let it go and still continues to be baffled that he got off scott free. Don't be like her. She has never owned her part in the failure of that marriage and still claims she got screwed over even though she bent over backwards for him. She was just trying to change him and thought she could by doing everything for him but that was really just an attempt to make him feel obligated to her and to create emotional debt, it's self serving.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am thinking... wow shouldn't have wrote the initial post when I was so angry that he is dating a friends of mine... I have no displayed this situation in the right light. I understand that comments like, " she is out of your league" were detrimental to him and so when I would hear someone start a conversation like this, especially in front of him, I would put it to an end quickly. My goal was never to make him feel inadequete... and to be honest, he feels inadequete in many other aspects of his life unrelated to our relationship. He was always measuring himself to the next guy or his sisters or me. I would always remind him that everyone's circumstances are different and that yes, we would all end up the same place sometime soon and not to worry because light was at the end of the tunnel as far as his schooling was concerned. Overall, I am not upset that I have been dumped... granted no one does, but I really miss him. I really loved and embraced him for who he was no matter what. He has already told me that he knows he will not find someone who loves and cares for him more than I did... this makes me hurt more. I love him and what him to be happy and yes, selfishly I want that to be with me because he made me happy. I just don't know where we went wrong.... he says it has everything to do with being committment phobic since he has never had another serious relationship besides myself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that my initial post has been a bit misunderstood. I am simply telling you all what has been told to me.... people tell me I was too good for him... including his family. Honestly, I DON'T feel this way and that is half the problem. I was presenting the obvious when I say " yes, I am further along in life than he is." By no means did I ever hold our relationship to a certain "esteem." Never did I ever point out that I had a better job or better education... he did. He was the one who was highly competetive... not me. I accepted him for who he was and am simply trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be upset by highlighting what has been highlighted to me over the years. I do not feel that I have an ego, and yes I am defensive to posting one. The truth is, I did everything I could to stand by this guy and make him feel worth his weight in gold. For whatever reason though, my success weighed on him and that was completely beyond my control. I mean I would go above and beyond whenever possible to do absolutely anything for him. I never felt better than him... but everyone else was constantly pointing this out. Now that it is over, I only have this to hold on to... forgive me if I sound like I have an ego but the way I am speaking is the only way I can calm myself down about the situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that my initial post has been a bit misunderstood. I am simply telling you all what has been told to me.... people tell me I was too good for him... including his family. Honestly, I DON'T feel this way and that is half the problem. I was presenting the obvious when I say " yes, I am further along in life than he is." By no means did I ever hold our relationship to a certain "esteem." Never did I ever point out that I had a better job or better education... he did. He was the one who was highly competetive... not me. I accepted him for who he was and am simply trying to convince myself that I shouldn't be upset by highlighting what has been highlighted to me over the years. I do not feel that I have an ego, and yes I am defensive to posting one. The truth is, I did everything I could to stand by this guy and make him feel worth his weight in gold. For whatever reason though, my success weighed on him and that was completely beyond my control. I mean I would go above and beyond whenever possible to do absolutely anything for him. I never felt better than him... but everyone else was constantly pointing this out. Now that it is over, I only have this to hold on to... forgive me if I sound like I have an ego but the way I am speaking is the only way I can calm myself down about the situation.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 July 2008):
I'm just going to throw this one out here because I'm picking up on a lot of "ego" with you and I think you are a pretty "intense" young lady. I think you've made some premature assessments about this guy and about people's potentials as well. You guys are in your early to mid 20's and really haven't peaked as far as potentials go. I'm more like you where I accomplished quite a bit early but I was also surpassed by some people that had less education and less glorified jobs by the time I hit 30. Yes, I did very well but I was shocked at how some of my peers really kicked ass by this age. I learned that "job title" and "education" meant very little when it came to the real world and what defines success. They say that those who cannot "do" go back to school which I excel at. 2 people I knew at your age that dropped out of college, one is a millionaire, the other has a base of 220k- she ended up going back to school to finish her undergrad at 29.
You are planning better than he is but no one can really say what either of your potentials are, that's yet to be determined. He's young, he's having fun and you are not too good for him, you are just 'different' than him. This attitude that you should be appreciated based on what you are accomplishing in life will bite you in the ass every time when it comes to relationships. I fear you are missing the big picture.
I have a girlfriend that is a perfectionist and highly successful and competitive. She's been dumped more times than I can count and she always assumes it's because she was too much and out of their league, so they were intimidated. I believed this the first couple of times and then I tried to tell her it was her own perfectionism and attitude that drove them away. She could never have fun around them, always controlling the schedule, always comparing where she was in life to others.
I think it's you that needs to change your perspective. He will not be competitive with someone new because most women aren't as fixated on these things as you. A degree is just a degree, a high profile job is just a job. What you do is no more important than what he does, who is happier? He is.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (25 July 2008):
 You made the statement, "really he had nothing to offer". When we feel that way about people, they sense it. I am sure you started out on the same path but when your job and education surpassed his it was an issue he couldn't deal with. It must have made him feel inadequate and he just didn't feel good about himself. Can you imagine hearing "she's out of your league". Don't think about it in your terms (because you come out smelling like a rose) but for him to be hearing that constantly hearing that makes him feel like a loser. Think how he felt. Even if he wasn't comparing himself to you, his pals were, your family was and sounds to me like you might have been too. You mentioned that he was competitive but I could sense in your post that perhaps you were also at a minimum comparing your situation to his.
I absolutely understand your wanting to enjoy life and not let the status thing affect your relationship. At the end of the day it's all about whether or not you've had fun. But I will say there are plenty of men out there with your background who want to enjoy the same things as you.
There are many couples that get together that don't have similar backgrounds and where there are wide wage and/or educational swings but it's typically a man who is at the higher level. Some men's ego's can handle it, some can not when it's the other way around.
I am sure your ex isn't having the time of his life but the situation just couldn't be tolerated by him anymore. He's moved on to try and find some peace and someone who makes him feel adequate or perhaps even superior.
So, as Tisha says, maybe a blessing in disguise. As for how to get over your ex, time. Time and eventually a new man. Take care and get back out there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (24 July 2008):
 Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you have suffered from this break up. It's a little bit like a divorce, since you've been together for so long.
It's actually probably best that you two did split up, as you seem to have been moving in different directions. You sound like you don't actually have much respect for his education and his career, such as they are. You've obviously outgrown him on this one.
You've wanted him to become more funloving and spontaneous, but alas, he only did this after he broke up with you.
Your last question, "How can I get over this when every adult memory I have involves "us"? " Well, you can and you will. Just because someone was close to us in youth doesn't mean that they are the right person for you to marry or to be involved with for the rest of your life. The thing is that you are in the acute stages of the mourning for a lost relationship. You're wishing things could go back to the way they were, and unfortunately, this isn't going to happen. You're mourning the lost love, and all the time and effort and energy you put into the relationship. You know something? It was all good at the start and sounds like it was pretty bad at the end.
You'll be able to get that energy and excitement and feeling of connectedness again, it'll just be with a new man.
It's not easy to get over a break up, especially if you weren't the initiator and even more so if you feel that you were the one with all the good stuff and initiative and the education and the drive.
You're going to have to let this go. Tough as it sounds, you're going to have to let him go. He's not going to admit that you were the better partner, that you were smarter and more successful and better educated and with a better take on life because you were more fun and spontaneous and all that.
Your family and your friends who love you and want the best for you, have seen that he wasn't the right guy for you. Listen to them. Just hanging on because he's the only guy you've ever dated is a really bad idea. That sounds like you're afraid of the new. That sounds like even though you're miles ahead of him in academic accomplishments, you're still the same little girl you were when you two started dating.
He's moved on, he may not have grown up, but he's moved on. And you need to let this go now. He may someday come back and say that he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting you go because you were such a catch. Then again, he might not.
Don't sit and wait for him just because you think that because he's in every memory to date that he needs to be in every one from now on. You'll make new memories, and this will fade into insignificance. At least into the insignificance with which you regard his accomplishments and his life up till now. If you can't respect him, and his choices, then any relationship you have in the future is doomed.
It sounds to me that you are more upset at being dumped than by losing him, because you were dumped by a man who wasn't worthy of you and didn't realize it.
You WILL get past this, you WILL survive. There is a guy out there who is more your type. So this may be a blessing in disguise. What do your family and friends say about this? They're happy you split up? That should tell you a lot. The people who love you best are hoping that this relationship would end. Hmmm.
Worth thinking about.
Best wishes.
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