A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This fact has made me very depressed and I have felt this way for a long time. I have never had a girlfriend or even had many friends that are girls. In fact I don't have many friends at all. I have one brother and though we are close in age, we never did much together and have grown apart. I have no sisters. My parents are boring squares that give me blank stares when I ask them what to do. All through high school and college I was shy and distant from others and spent a lot of time by myself. I regret this immensely as I would rather have a healthy social life. I find it difficult to talk to people. I feel like every conversation I have with the people I meet is about the weather or sports or something that's not personal. I want to know how to get to the level where I can talk more openly without seeming creepy and desperate. I have spent more time out of the house lately going to the gym and running and I talk to the people where I work but I think people are turned off by how awkward I can be. I see more and more people my age and younger getting married and having kids and I fear that if I don't figure something out soon I will be alone forever. Even though I want to have friends and girlfriends, I'm not sure where to begin. Most people that I admire are confident, witty and charming. When I speak everything comes out dry, cynical or self-effacing. I am quite frustrated with myself. Not sure if this is worth posting here, but perhaps I might get lucky and by some miracle there is another 24+ year old, inexperienced and emotionally repressed individual who has somehow dug his/her way out of that and can lend me some advice. However, any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, gypsyrose12  +, writes (16 February 2014):
Hi Anonymous! Just be yourself nobody expects anything other than that. Try focusing on the other person and ask more about them because that shows that you are interested in them and what they do rather than it being all about you. Then when they feel comfortable with you they will start asking you questions about yourself. Be confident! If you are let down, don't let that stop you. Because every time it happens it only makes you stronger.
As for meeting partners you could join some different clubs of others your age and try something different that you haven't done before. I know dance clubs can be good because you need to partner with someone and they can help you with that. And well, you never know maybe it could lead you to something good. I wish you all the luck!!
Gypsyrose12
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Nobody is born with the confidence and skills to converse with anyone, especially girls. You have to learn it, once you get used to it you become confident. I was shy at school, if a girl said 'boo' to me I would turn bright red. When I was in my late teens, I decided to do something about it and put myaelf in situations I found uncomfortable at first. Start by just smiling and saying a little to the shop assitant next time you go to a store. When you get a bit more confident, try and start a little conversation with something from your surroundings - the weather, the poor traffic, whatever. Practise, practise, practise!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): The best way to get to know people is topics you're interested in.
You say you end up only talking about sports. Some of my friends I only know through my love of soccer, others I know from MMA classes and stuff.
OP you do things very isolated. You go to the gym, which is awesome and will help, but maybe it's time to try a team sport, or an MMA class.
You start off by building a bond based on shared interests before you really delve into personal stuff. that's what makes people very wary of others. Awkward people make people uncomfortable because they always seem desperate to tell you about their life, things that are a little too heavy for a casual discussion with someone new. They always seem a little over excited when paid attention and they are very full on and clingy.
It's not hard to make friends. For example I've been friends with *Steve for about 6 years. He's an Arsenal fan like me, basically we were the only two Arsenal fans in a bar during a match and we simply ended up talking to each other for hours after the match about the match and the team because it's a passion we both shared. We didn't become friends immediately we just ended up bumping into each other a few times, guess what the topic of conversation was for us. Yeah, all Arsenal. Still to this day Arsenal and soccer is most of what we talk about, even if we are friends a long time and our partners are friends and we know each other better than that. the original interest we shared is still the basis for our friendship.
A lot of my other friends were my drugs buddies, casual fun users who all stopped after about 8-9 years. Don't take drugs, I'm not recommending that, my point is the next step is sharing experiences.
So me an Steve shared an experience of watching Arsenal beat our rival in the bar that night. It's small but, that's history. A moment we shared. The next time I met him was on a night out, I bought him a drink we introduced our partners and talked about soccer while our partners talked about how rude and annoying it was for us to end up almost ignoring them all night.
Connecting with people takes shared interests, or shared goals and it takes fun, relaxation and an easy-going attitude. Building a bond then takes shared experiences.
But none of it can be forced, it has to be natural.
Take up some social hobbies. If you like a sport, play it. Join a local club that supports the team you like. If you don't like any sports, pick one and develop a passion for it.
Unlike what you may think OP, sports can be learned to be loved. All of them can.
Let go of the idea of chatting up women for now and don't let that get you down. Baby steps. start learning how to be around people, make them feel at ease around you and learn to build friendships first.
If you have to begin adding extra conversation to every day life. Ask the cashier at the store how her day is going after you get your change if there's no one behind you. Ask the old lady at the stop if she's having a nice day or whether she heard about some local event happening.
Get used to feeling comfortable talking to people about absolutely nothing, small talk and build yourself up. Just be out there.
Oh and look up some self-help confidence and meeting new people books.
Also try omegle, try chatting to strangers on that from the safety of your home and build up some skills.
Just make sure you're lighthearted, fun, relaxed and leave the deep and meaningfuls happen when people ask that type of question. People feel most comfortable around people who listen to them, if you're just waiting for your chance to speak they'll know and it won't make them feel that comfortable.
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A
male
reader, Myau +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Start with actually going out. Go to bars and clubs and listen to live music. Some of the bands I have heard were pretty good.
Its a lie, but keep telling yourself it. When people talk to you, answer them.
Try and make friends with a girl your age. Then you will be more comfortable talking to girls.
Its just practice, just like everything else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): This is going to be completely out of left field.
If you are healthy, strong, and don't have a weight problem. I would recommend that you joint the National Guard or the Air Force.
They will teach you discipline, challenge you mentally and physically, and you will be around hundreds of men and women.
You will gain confidence out of this world. Girls love men in uniform, and you will serve your country. If you have a related degree, it is likely you will become an officer candidate. You don't have to serve as an officer if you don't want to. You can always change your mind later.
If you read DearCupid regularly, you have already seen our answers. There is no one-size-fits-all response. We have never met you, we can't see you, and people usually describe things worse than they really are. That happens when your self-esteem is at its lowest, and you're afraid to approach people.
Most people we hear from may be autistic, have diagnosed social disorders, and Asperger's Syndrome. That means our advice is a good pep-talk, but doesn't go any further than the screen they're reading our words from. I hope we do help. Sometimes people just need down to earth advice, and not a lot of psycho-babble.
If you're just socially awkward, and there is no underlying social disorder; then you need to join an organization that builds character.
The exposure and experience turns young men and women in to something totally awesome. I know, because I served in the Air Force; and I have never been more proud. Serving your country is truly worth it. It's not for everyone, but few can say it didn't help them in some way. I'm biased, so I didn't mention the Army, Marines, or the Navy. Nerds abound in the Air Force. They like fit and brainy types.
In case you're wondering, I'm not a recruiter. I served many years ago. It's unbelievable how it has made such a very positive and profound influence on my character; and how it shaped me as a man. I made more friends than I could ever keep up with. Once you gain confidence, approaching women is easier; and they will like what they see.
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