A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why am I single?I feel like everything I do gets effed up or something. And really badly too.The guys that are into me I'm not into.The guys who it was mutual with either didn't want to be in a serious relationship or there was a whole love triangle and friendship won over. Both of these REALLY killed my self esteem.Then there's obviously the third...they just aren't interested in me.I feel so alone. It feels like EVERYBODY is in relationships. I feel like I should just settle. Like who am I to turn down guys that I don't believe are attractive. I mean I'm 23. This is not normal. I'm pre med, was originally super conservative about all of this due to my cultural background, am considered "pretty" by guys but not like drop dead gorgeous/model, ofcourse. People are often curious about my love life and are surprised that I am single...My parents divorced at a young age and the father like figure I had stopped contact with me after he got married and bc his wife didn't want him to keep in touch with any one in our family.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 October 2011):
 Alright, I think I see part of the problem here. You listed a lot of physical description, your education, and then declared yourself boring. Listen, looks are your best tool for getting a guy interested, and it sounds like you have those, but for *keeping* him interested, you need personality. I'm sure you have one, but if you're discounting it online, and I'm willing to bet you aren't showing it off in real life much. So that's one thing - whatever your standards are, you are not publicly displaying traits that will attract the high-value guys you desire.
The ability to get a guy versus keep one matters a lot more if you're of a conservative bent - if you're looking exclusively for relationships, that means you need to not only *have* a personality (which you do, even if you don't think so), but must advertise it effectively. Focus on some traits that would make you a good girlfriend. Start with the easy ones: would you be faithful? Can you cook? Are you a good listener? Then try the harder ones: How good are you at supporting a man emotionally? How much maintenance do you require? Do you bring a lot of drama or baggage with you?
It's alright if you don't know the answers to those yet - just think about them.
Now compare this to your standards. In my experience, girls with or working towards graduate degrees tend to more than a bit unrealistic in this regard; since I don't know you, you'll have to honestly decide if that applies to you. (As an aside, I'll say that your education, while certainly helpful in your professional life, probably won't do you any good or bad romantically - men care about how intelligent you are, not how credentialed.)
I'm not certain what you're looking for, but I'll use some examples to illustrate; you can follow the same thought process for your own standards. Are you only attracted to men with more of an education than you? More of an income? More outgoing, confident personalities? These guys are going to have a lot of choices, so that goes back to the personality bit - you have to outshine the competition for relationships (for one-night stands, this is not the case, but I still would advise against those).
Continuing with the same examples, at your educational level, there are very few men higher up than that. Far more common are men without that level of education or income who are still decent, confident, enjoyable and reliable men in good shape. I'd bet lot of the guys who liked you but you didn't like back were actually good catches. So, you can see how one unrealistic requirement is just going to hurt you in the long run.
The trick is that you can't just intellectually decide to accept some guy if you still just don't like him. Attraction runs deeper than that, and you may know intellectually that you hit the jackpot with some man, but feel inside like you've settled, and that will leave both of you unhappy. Once you've really figured out what you have to offer, and what you can expect for that, you still have to emotionally adjust to that level before you can happy with it.
It's a lot to consider, but really take the time to think about what you have to offer from your personality, and about what you want in a man, and whether those two are closely matched enough that you would be happy with a good catch, rather than feel like you're settling if you get anything less than perfection.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 October 2011):
 There's a happy medium between "settling for anything" and "being picky". You need certain standards, but you do not need sky high expectations that no living man can ever fulfill. What are you looking for in a man? When you haven't had a boyfriend before it is typical to either expect too little or too much. The longer you go single, the higher chance it is of you just having your standard too high. However losing up the standard a bit doesn't mean lowering it to accept anything that crawls.
I'm thinking if your standard is "must have higher education" you can lower it to "must have a steady income". If your standard is "must have dark hair" you should lower it to "must have hair". Determine what is really important to you and what you can work around. If it is really important that he doesn't smoke you can for example live with the fact that he's a bit shorter than you etc. One thing that is important weighs up for one thing that isn't as important. Don't make everything a deal breaker.
My ex was single and unkissed and a virgin until he was 24, when I directly told him I was interested in him. He was too certain NO ONE was interested in him to see the hints and the flirts. Silly man. But that's one incident of where your confidence gets in the way of possible relationship. You just automatically assume they aren't interested in you instead of pursuing them.
You need to keep trying. You will get rejections a lot. But then again if you don't gamble you can't win. In the end you will find a man who YOU want who wants you in return.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): I guess my biggest physical flaw would be that I'm 4'11. It immediately cuts me out for some guys. I wear heels all the time, not out of insecurity but in general I dress up.
I love my skin tone and I get compliments on that. It's on the ligher side without pimples. I have brown hair. My facial features come together pretty niceley. I'm on the "slim side" Size 1-2. My waist is my most defining feature. On most days, I have nicely done nails and toe-nails. I'm very girly with clothing. I got a makeup artist degree and women come to me to get their makeup done. I'm Indian but people always ask me what nationality I am. Usually they think I'm mixed, bc of the lighter skin tone and hair and the features are a bit different...esp with the effects of makeup.
I am independent and hardworking when it comes to school and stuff. I just started medical school. An osteopathic school bc I know some people do believe in the MD vs DO difference.
I think I'm kind of boring though. I recently got exposed to the club scene etc. In highschool and even college, I never really tried drinking and I've never gotten drunk (and really, it doesn't seem cool).
I guess its important to point out that I was an outcast in college. The other Indian girls didn't like me bc I wasn't like them in some of the ways and didn't even look like them. I eventually stopped going to those events bc i felt misplaced. There was a guy, who was like an older brother, who really tried to get me to stay but gosh they were bitchy.
... and the other groups were hesitant to how far I would go and included me a lot but, say, for instance, wine tasting...I definitely wouldn't be invited bc of the cultural taboos tied to how conservative I seem. A part of me still doesn't completely know my boundaries...so I guess that is part of the problem.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 October 2011):
Examine your standards, and compare them to what you have to offer - and remember to frame your own traits in terms of what guys value, not what you value. Feel free to post what you think is attractive about you, and I'll be happy to follow up with an honest assessment, or else talk to your guy friends.
The point of that exercise being to determine if your standards are just too high. Is it really "settling" if your standards aren't realistic? You mention the guys who are into you, you aren't into. Is that their shortcomings, or are you expecting too much? It's really worth considering.
Once you've done that, put yourself out there more, and make the first move once in a while. Even when it doesn't work out at first, making the first move is really liberating - it puts some power over your love life into your hands. Give it a shot. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (18 October 2011):
 I was always in the same position. Pretty, fairly intelligent, kinda funny...overall a good package. But "he" just never came along. I'm 36. It just happened a year ago--totally out of the blue (cliche, I know). I've been involved in church groups, theater groups, spent 8 years in college--been pretty available. Like I said, this guy I've been with for a year (my first relationship ever) was completely unexpected. So hang in there. Put yourself out in social groups (start a hobby or something like that) and see what happens. Mine was through ballroom dancing. Good luck & be hopeful! :D
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