A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this guy for 12 years now (off and on for the first few years) and I just don't see it going any where now. for the past few weeks we have been arguing everyday or every other day and it just gives me a head ache. i don't understand where everything went wrong. i know i have bit of an attitude but he made me this way. he never want to talk about his feelings and every time he drink he want to fight and argue. we have two beautiful kids together and live in a nice home. i just feel very hopeless and don't know what to do. i want this to work but i don't want this to work. if things could change maybe it would be a good thing but i just dont know im confused please help me out with some advice Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 March 2011):
 you have been together a long time. His drinking leads to him wanting to fight and argue. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings. But perhaps you do want to talk about your feelings? And perhaps he doesn't want to listen to you discussing your feelings? You admit you have a bit of an attitude. Though you believe it is his fault that you have a bit of an attitude.
And now the arguments are becoming a regular part of your relationship.
Do you fight cleanly or dirty?
Clean fighting is one issue, solution based, find the solution that will fix it, fix it, never discuss it again.
Dirty fighting is talk at length, throw in past issues and new issues, fight about the fight, rubbish solutions, bring up unresolved issues that really hurt, go to personal irrelevant issues, get angry, get judgemental, get defensive, then forget what the original argument was all about. Storm off. Nothing fixed.
I think you both need some urgent couples counselling where an experienced counsellor get to the heart of the issues.
How often do you go on dates with your man? Just the two of you? It does not have to be a gala night. It can just as easily be a simple inexpensive relaxing trip together, somewhere.
What activities do you share together?
Certainly there are some factors that are destroying your relationship.
So do any of the following strike a chord?
1. Power plays? Where one wants to 'win' whatever is the issue at hand?
2. A complete rut? Where you have gone on the same way, everything to schedule, and life has become too routine?
3. Some domestic worries that are not being discussed but are simmering in the background, as the elephant in the room?
4. Feelings are being treated as 'off limits' because one or both parties are scared if they really talk about feelings then they will not be able to stop?
5. Simmering resentment about an issue or issues that is seen by one or both parties as a betrayal or a secret/s or a disgrace or something that affects self esteem or reputation?
I wish you all the best to resolve this troubling situation, best wishes, Abella
A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (12 March 2011):
 It sounds like you were only 14 to 17 years old when you first met this man. Maybe you have grown up and changed as a person and realise you want and need something more in your life. 12 years is a long time to be together and still not be married. How long are you going to wait to be happy?
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