A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what to think. Open to suggestion, but please no harsh comments. presently my husband is working and I am not. He says I do not show him any respect. I differ. I am at home with the kids all day (while sending out resumes and arranging interviews), keep the house cleaned from top to bottom, always make sure that meals are prepared and laundry is done. He also gets all the sex any man could want. My issue is, he works all night and sleeps most of the day. When he isn't sleeping he is playing video games. His daughter came to live with us and I have accepted her as if she is my own and get on really weel with her. He barely notices her. Speaking to her only when she speaks to him or if he's on the way out the door to work. :o( I finally blew up at him yesterday and told him what i think about everything. Told him I feel like a maid. He won't help with the chores, doesn't participate in family time unless it's something HE wants to do etc. I talked to my family about this an they think that I need to keep my mouth shut (until I find a job, as he is paying for everything right now and he doesn't have to) and show him more respect. have I got it all wrong, should i just bow down to him and let him call all the shots??
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 I hear your pain. I am in a similar situation in that I’m the working partner. I also do the lion’s share of the housework in our home.
Part of the problem is the shift work. IT does throw a person off. Is he sleeping in excess of 9 hours at a time? I mean he does need 7 or 8 hours of sleep at a time… to be healthy and well rested.
So the first thing to do is flip the hours and figure out if when he gets home from work he’s spending a few hours unwinding (as most of us do) and then sleeping (as most of us do) I mean I get up at 6:30 in the morning and I work from 8-6 let’s say. I get home around 7 and then it’s dinner and a bit of unwind time, shower and bed…. Then up and do it again… Weekends are for cleaning….
He sleeps all day because IT”S HIS BEDTIME!....
Do you ask him for SPECIFIC tasks that are his? I mean in our house, he does trash. He folds his laundry and puts it away. IF something needs to be carried up the steps he will carry it for me but the bulk of the housework I do because I LIKE the way I DO IT… and while I am the only one working now and he’s barely looking for a job he’s got things that he does that contribute to the household….
IF there is something specific you wish him to do you should go to him with that. BUT don’t just whine and complain at him that he’s not helping unless you have very specific things you wish for him to do. A GENERIC, general “you don’t help enough” is not good enough…
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): Babygirl,if I had a man working hard to take care of his family, I would love to clean house and take care of the kids, he can't be calling too many shots working a graveyard shift and sleeping all day, I could easily handle him, he's not complaining because he's paying for everything and I'm sure you're handling all of his money because you sounds like a darn good wife.
I was put on a graveyard shift and believe me, it was no joke.
If he's bringing in all the money, got a roof over your head, feeding and clothing the whole family then I wouldn't have a problem doing what needs to be done around the house.
Wish I had your hand, I would get up early every morning, get my house work done and watch Judge Mathis and People's Court.
I do feel that he can do better spending time with the family and his daughter.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 June 2012):
 It's not about right or wrong. I do see that being a housewife is a full time job. Your parents know that you are working hard. They want to let you know that complaining is not going to do any good. It would only push your husband away, making him feel unwelcomed at home. Working night shift will sacrifice family time. You can try hard to appreciate each other's unseen efforts but at the end you have to decide if being taken care of financially is enough for you. If you knew he was working night shifts when you married him it means you accepted the limitations of this relationship, as it takes a certain kind of person to do a graveyard shift. I understand you want him to be more attentive and affectionate to you and to the kids. Perhaps the only free time he has he spends it on stress relieving, brainless activities. I really think that a person with a family should try to shift back to a day time job. This is not about bowing down to him, it is about being patient and realistic that his job is what he has at the moment and when time is right he might be able to get a day time position.
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