A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I realized that I have a flaw in my personality which is that I enjoy putting others down/make fun of them. I always did it thinking that the person wouldn't mind, would take it lightly and laugh at it. I told myself that it was just my style of humor but it isn't, I get a kick out of this. How do I stop doing this? I've been trying hard but whenever I 'm in a group of friends, I keep saying stupid things that I should not have. please help! I know it stems from low self esteem and I understand the psychological reasons why I keep doing this but how do I get actively involve myself in getting rid of this habit?
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male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (28 June 2018):
 Seeing that you are already aware of the low esteem factors involved I recommend you gather all your friends and tell them what you just told us. Let them know that you are having a problem and that you're having a hard time stopping. This way your friends, the ones who care for you, will help to keep you in check with your words and behaviours. You said yourself you get a kick out of it. You need to place yourself in a SERIOUS and VULNERABLE position to address the issue at hand otherwise changing may be a bit more complicated. You must realise this is your very personality we're talking about here.Personally, you need to better monitor your thoughts and the words that follow. It's your own fault for saying hurtful things to people. It wouldn't hurt to do a few online test to make sure you are suffering from any suspected mental illnesses. Next time, ask yourself these questions when you feel like putting people down: 1. Is it true?2. Is it necessary?3. Is it kind?Accepting that you have a problem is the first step, you're already half way there.All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2018): It comes down to: "Think before you speak."
Curt or sarcastic humor for a lot of people is a defense-mechanism. They feel insecure, less intelligent, or unattractive in a group of people. Sometimes they feel tense when in a crowd of people; and start clowning, thinking that will alleviate tension or take the edge off.
I think you may feel a combination of those things; which is why you choose acid-humor. Eventually people shun you; or shut you down before you open your mouth. You don't always get away with it.
You must run in a circle of very timid people. Some people are hypersensitive and defensive; and will give you a bigger dose of your own medicine.
You are in a society where some people will merely tolerate with you, for the sake of courtesy; but you should hear the remarks made about you behind your back! That might be a good deterrent. You would be considered a crass and ill-mannered person. You can't possibly have much of a social-life. You probably make a lot of enemies as well. Everyone I know like that, is usually given cold-stares; and people just turn and walk the other way when they see them coming.
You are aware of what you do. So start practicing some self-control. When entering a room, take several deep breaths. Compose yourself. Keep your mouth shut, accept to greet people. You are apparently insecure and unnerved around people. You throw darts to establish your dominance and up your shields; to fend off possible attacks that were never going really going to happen.
Did you ever get bullied, or were you the bully?
We have a new administration and head of our country. Using foul commentary and exhibiting a caustic classless style is becoming acceptable behavior. Being unfiltered and mean might be okay with many people in these days. Some call showing manners political-correctness; but a vulgar society eventually goes downhill. The decline in civility to one another will also lead to a decline every aspect of life; until a nation crumbles and falls apart.
Treat others as you wish to be treated. Consider your own feelings; and what anyone could say to you that would hurt your feelings or offend you. Realize that the tongue is a weapon. What say defines very much who you are; and people will treat you accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Anezka89 +, writes (27 June 2018):
Accept yourself for who you are. I personally love Chandler. He's witty and quick thinker. Some people can take it, others can't. You just have to get to know people and see if they are ok and realize that that even if they are ok with it they aren't always in the mood. Just accept yourself. So basically I'm saying tone it down a bit. Eventually you will find people that appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 June 2018):
 Take control of your mouth.
THINK before you speak. It does take some "re-training" of your brain but you CAN do it. IF you put your mind to it and do the work.
EVERY time a "rude snide asshat'ish comment" pops into your mind and you are about to say it, SAY something NICE to that person instead or just SHUT UP. Say nothing.
Let your friends know that you are working on this so they can hold you ACCOUNTABLE. And IF you slip up, you APOLOGIZE right away.
Putting others down doesn't make you look better. Not by a long shot. I think you know that.
Also do you have MALE friends who behave in a way you would like to behave? If so, study them and emulate some of the positive things they do. See how that goes.
If you want to BE a better person, then BE a better person.
Just remember changing YOUR own behavior is hard and you probably will slip up - and THAT is OK as LONG as you accept it, apologize and work on catching yourself saying dumb shite. It's not like changing a shirt, OP - this will take dedication and work from you. CONSTANT work. Until it becomes habit to not be condescending and rude.
Some people do this and some people find it funny, however, the majority doesn't.
So learn to give compliments to others, those can even be delivered with a sense of humor and wit.
I think you will also find that when YOU start being "nicer and kinder" to others, you will FEEL better about yourself because most people will reciprocate one way or another.
You can do it!
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