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Why hold a grudge for 3 years, after a crush wasn’t reciprocated?

Tagged as: Crushes, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 June 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 7 June 2018)
A female United States age 41-50, *eather13 writes:

If someone who had a crush on another person, felt rejected by that person, why would they hold a grudge after 3 years? They did not ask the person out. But dropped "I love you" lines here and there. But this was not taken seriously. So this other person felt hurt. Buy even after they "moved" on to another person, who is a mutual acquaintance, they still behave hurt by the other person. They even go as far as joining someone else in teasing the person they said they loved. When the person is by themselves, they stare at this person. And if they try to talk to them, they reply annoyed or walk away. And only say things to hurt this person. Even after so long, and being in a new happy relationship, they treat the person they had a crush on like a stranger and enemy. Why would anyone do that?

View related questions: crush, teasing

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 June 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntGlad it's not just me that has trouble following this post. Had to read it twice to make any sense. Why didn't you just say "Someone had a crush on me, I didn't realize he was serious, now he still holds a grudge for me not taking him up on it"?

Some people have a sense of entitlement and think any rejection of their advances is a direct attack on them. This is a very angry way of looking at the world. Pity his new squeeze when she doesn't agree with everything he says.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (7 June 2018):

TylerSage agony auntHurt people, hurt people...

Not to mention this guy was rejected 3 years ago, has moved on to another relationship and still treats the rejecter like she's invisible or insignificant. This shows that the person is REALLY REALLY hurt by the rejecter's actions.

How exactly did the rejection take place? Sometimes it's the "how" that hurts the most rather than the rejection itself. You mentioned it his "i love you" notes were not taken seriously. Sounds like this person was a friend. The I-love-you-line seems pretty early for an un-reciprocated love interest.

His actions are not right, but sometimes we have problems taking charge of our emotions. It sounds like this person wants an apology, but in truth he isn't owed anything, how he responds to people and rejection is his own battle. The most you can do is move on and not give this man anymore of your time and energy. Let him do what he wants and just ignore him.

All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018):

When you get rejected it's humiliating, it hurts your feelings, it crushes your ego, and it pisses you off.

Do you know anybody who likes to get rejected?

If three years go by and that person still feels irritated and put-off; I have to wonder why you're both still hanging around each other?

Why can't you put some space between you; or travel in a whole different social-circle altogether? Mutual-friends are no excuse. Find some new friends and seek some new hangouts. Stop showing-up to rub it in; or always showing-up where you'll run into each other.

Some people do carry grudges. So you have to take the high road; and get the hell out of their way. Otherwise; you can continue to play this stupid game, and wallow around in the drama.

Grudges seem to smolder when people gossip; or talk too much to other people about something that should have been kept between two people. Maybe one of the two tried to turn friends against the other. Maybe someone was unnecessarily mean or nonchalant about hurting the other person's feelings. Maybe someone could have let someone down a little easier.

I can tell you this. Both of them are not too smart and immature; if they can't figure-out how to stay out of each others path.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI have a hard time following the question, I'm sorry.

Maybe you can re-submit it in a way so it makes more sense?

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (7 June 2018):

Because said person is an immature jerk who is still in love with the other person.

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