A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Hi Dear Cupid, I am in a LDR with a guy I met 4 months ago. We decided to make it official October of this year. Instead of exchanging gifts during Christmas time, it was a mutual decision for us to surprise each other with them in January when I plan to visit. I want an Amazon Kindle and he wants a PS4; although, he told me from the start that he didn't want me to buy it. As a side note, he never demanded I buy it for him. I asked him what he wanted and he told me. He was obviously afraid that for one: it was much too expensive item to buy at this early stage in our relationship and second, he didn't want me to overextend myself. I personally didn't plan on buying him this, but when I asked him what other ideas he had in mind for me to buy him, he threw out a Movado Swiss watch that is very costly (and more $$$ than the PS4). I thought I had expensive taste, but this guy surely has me beat. What should I do? Should I buy him what I think is appropriate, or should I go ahead and get him what he wants? Even though it's been brief, we love each other a lot. He might be getting the Amazon Kindle for me since he's brought it up multiple times and my birthday is coming up early January.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Seconding Honeypie's comments- good for you, OP!
I also wondered if you'd spoken to him about WHY he'd initially expected you to spend 5 times as much on him as he offered in return, or if he'd insisted that it was all a 'misunderstanding'? As there are other issues to be wary of here as well as saving the money itself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 December 2013):
 Good for you poster. Glad you thought it over a bit more and came up wit ha solution that works for you both.
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female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (29 December 2013):
I would not spend that much money enless i had been with someone a couple of years. If i was you i would NOT spend all that money on a play station. I would buy only what you can afford and what you were originally planning to buy. If he spends more on you then you can always spend a bit more on him for his birthday. I feel you would be a fool to spend that much on him when you are early in a relationship no matter how much you love each other. The relationship should not be how much one person can gain from it. Her shouldnt expect such an expensive gift. DONT buy it and see what happens.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 December 2013):
 So you get to spend $400 on a playstation for him plus the cost of the trip and he gets to spend $60 on a kindle (if he even bothers)...and your kindle is for christmas and birthday?...and you didnt even meet yet?
If things dont work out, he comes away with a very nice gift and no hassle in having to travel.
Dont buy him anything, tell him it's too early for gifts (buy your own kindle) and ask him to come visit you or meet half way at least...because that is fair. Promising expensive gifts will only allow him to take advantage and the fact he asked for an even more expensive watch shows he has no manners or morals.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): To minimize the volume of responses to this story, I have an update for you all. I am NOT buying my boyfriend of 4 months a playstation 4. Me and him have talked about it and are buying eachother gift cards that are $40-$50 in value. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): Okay, so on Amazon the playstation 4 looks to be about $600 and a kindle is about $120I actually don't think the issue here is so much about how long you've been going out with him for; even if you'd been together 10 years, then why ever should one person be expected to buy the other a gift which costs 5 TIMES what the other's gift costs?You're buying each other gifts which you'll still enjoy even if you break up, so if you can comfortable afford expensive gifts and will receive reasonable equal generosity in return, then great- no problem! Good excuse to both treat yourselves if you can afford to!But set yourselves an approximate budget and agree what you would both like in respect of it. If he wants the playstation and IF you can happily afford such a huge budget then he needs to be getting you a gift the equivalent of 5 Kindles! N.B. I'm very concerned that you seem to be thankful that he 'might' be getting you the gift worth just 1/5th of what he's asked you for, and that might include being for your birthday as well as your belatedly exchanged Christmas present! You deserve equality. The fact that he is knowingly asking for 5 TIMES what he is showing off about spending on you across too occasions... it is insulting to say the least.If you can’t think of anything else, could you suggest that if he buys the PS4 for himself anyway then you will buy him a couple of games for it for his gift- they can be $50 + each. Would that keep him happy if he's pretending that this is not about the money? Please don't let him play you like this- he's really taking advantage of you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 No, if he can't give you a list of appropriate gift wishes then you give him what you want to give him, and not what is on the list. A wishing list isn't a shopping list, you don't HAVE to get him what he says he wants. Besides, he could be just dreaming and saying it out loud, without the intention of you getting it for him. It depends on how these wishes came about, in what context and on how he worded it.
Besides, a PS4 is hard to come by. At least in Norway, from what I heard from my gamer-geek brother, people who were on the waiting list (yes, there was a waiting list) just started to sell their PS4 again 3-4 times it's original value, because it's hard to get a hold on right now. Don't know how the situation is in your country thought. Just saying, you might not even be able to buy one even if you wanted to.
No no no, for a boyfriend of 4 months you give something cute and nice and romantic, not something worth two months rent.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2013):
 DO NOT get him the PS4 or the watch...
in fact, buy yourself the kindle (you will love it) so that you don't feel obligated to anything if he does buy you the kindle.
I would spend very little on this guy... who is paying for your trip to visit him? are you? is he? are you splitting the cost?
next year for Christmas if you are still together you can make up for being "cheap" right now but limit all gifts now to inexpensive things... CDs or DVDs (NOT expensive box sets either)
you barely know this guy...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): and when I said ps3 i meant ps4, obviously.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 December 2013):
I don't think this is so much to do with how long you have been together (although I do see that point), to me it's much more about the fact he's hinting for these expensive gifts from you and you now feel like you should spend way more than you intended. He might be saying he doesn't expect you to get him the PS4, yet he is making it clear that's what he wants which is subtly guilt tripping you into it. That's not on at all. He should be thankful to get anything at all as a gift, and it should be something YOU choose. If he's not happy with that then he was only in it for what he could get and you're better off without him.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 December 2013):
 NO! Let him buy his PS4. Your gift should be of the small variety! No Movado, no PS4, no Kindle.
Let me put it to you this way - if you hate him and want to destroy your relationship, then start spending massive dollars early in the relationship. If he said he wanted a PS4 in the context of you asking him what he wants, all the "don't buy me" and "let's surprise each other" is all word acrobatics used to smokescreen the fact that he would be TAKING ADVANTAGE of you. The fact that you're in an LDR makes the relationship that much more precarious.
Talk to him and set the "surprise me" money cap now at no more than $50. Gifts can be tokens, gestures, mementos. You don't buy a relationship, and to do so adds an awkward resentment in both of you that will germinate into its implosion.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): I'm going to say no but for a different reason. There's no point buying the ps3 now, in three to four months or so they will bring out a slimmer version with less bugs at a slightly less price. It's always good to miss the premiere date with these things and wait until they've fixed all the problems people complain about.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 December 2013):
You need to set a WAY WAY lower limit. No more then $40-50 - and that is TOPS after ONLY 4 months and it being a LDR.
No Kindle, no PS4.
Just no.
Met up first then see how well you get on. If 2 years down the line you are still together or have moved IN with each other... then I can see a $400 gift.
Not smart at all.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 December 2013):
 PS4 costs WAAAAAY more than a Kindle! That is insane, you should not get a guy you've been seeing for 4 months a PS4. I wouldn't even get my bf of 5 years a PS4. A kindle can be had for $60. Not even a close comparison. I think even spending $50 on a guy you've dated for 4 months is a lot. Get him something inexpensive but thoughtful.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I hate to say this but I think you're being played.
He tells you, when you ask, that he would like a PS4 and THEN tells you not to get it because it's too expensive. His other suggestions are then even more expensive!
4 months is a very short time in a relationship and this is a LDR at that.
So many people get burned in LDR's as you don't really know the other person until you meet them and see them on a regular basis.
I think, realistically, you should decide what you can really afford and is more appropriate, maybe cinema tickets or equivalent and cap the gift price at that.
If you're not paying out for an expensive gift for him then you can afford to treat yourself to a Kindle.
If this guy is genuine, then he will understand and support your decision, if he gets upset then you know he's not the real deal.
Point to note, if he was going to buy himself a PS4 and knows that he can get one for the price of a Kindle, that could be a very appealing deal! Just saying.
I hope this helps AB x
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (28 December 2013):
Hi there. Having only known each other for 4 months, is way too short a time to spend hundreds of dollars on each other, that's for sure.
It would be much different if you were seeing each other all the time, and had known each other for at least a year to 18 months or more.
And also that you were pretty serious about each other.
A PS4 would have to be perhaps $300 to $500 at the least, I would think. I'm not sure, but it definitely would not be cheap by any means.
I wouldn't even be considering such an expensive item if I had only known him for 4 months.
The relationship is way too early yet, and you hardly know each other.
Did you ever see each other in person, did you meet in person - and then he moved away?
Or, did you meet online on a chat site?
No matter how much you think you like each other even now, it is still far too early to be thinking about buying expensive gifts for each other.
It would be like you were doing it in the hope, that things MIGHT get serious in time to come.
And the reality is, it might NEVER happen!
And especially, the greater the distance between you, which would mean you very rarely see each other at all.
It might be a much wiser idea to tell him next time you chat or talk on the phone - whatever you do - that you have been thinking about it, and that you just don't feel it is the right to do - spend large amounts of money - so early on in a brand new relationship.
And suggest doing something else instead.
Like organising to see each other, and spend some good quality time together.
And just supposing you went all-out, and spent that few hundred dollars on the PS4, and then a month later, it all ended, as you could both see it could never work - because of the distance!
What then?
And the unfortunate reality is, that this could actually eventuate.
And it would be a very expensive life lesson.
Think about it very carefully.
I believe it would be a HUGE mistake.
The next time you can organise to see each other, well then you could just go out for dinner to a nice restaurant and have a lovely meal together.
What's wrong with that?
Gifts don't have to be material things, they can also be activities and time spent together, just enjoying each other's company.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2013): Woah, hang back a little with the expensive gifts.
After 4 months of LDR, you don't know the guy. You say you love him, but really, you love the version of him he has presented himself to you.
For now, go for something sweet and not so expensive.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (28 December 2013):
I would never buy such expensive stuff so early in a relationship,maybe after being together a year or two.You hardly know one another and what if you break up a month later.
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