A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: two questions combined into oneHi everyone.I've been married for nearly 6 years. We have a three year old son. Last year my husband and I had some issues where I focussed too much on one my hobbies and spent less time with him. He thought I was having an affair and subesequently had a one night stand with one of my friends and kissed another of my friends in the same month.I found out about this in May last year.I realise how this has happened and he is remorseful of his actions. He says he did it because he thought he had lost me. My problem now is is that I cannot have any physical intimacy with him. He keeps saying things to me (which I do NOT like) such as "I want to do things to your body" and I didn't like this before this happened but now it is ten times worse knowing he has had an affair. I dont want to sleep with him and I dont even want to think of him in that way. I'm trying to make my marriage work but the idea of sleeping with him or anything makes me want to run away. I wasn't very sexually active with him before this happened and now I can't even fathom the idea of it. Is this a time will heal situation or what?My husband since the start of our relationship has always grabbed me inappropriately and has always said graphic things to me "i want my hands all over your a**". I hate it. It's constant. I walk in the kitchen, as I try to get past him he grabs my backside or looks down my top and makes a comment. I hate it. I've told him this so many times I'm so sick of having this conversation with him. He always says "Why don't you like it? Do you not find me attractive anymore?" he doesnt get it. He had an affair last year which has made it worse. I feel objectified. Last night he said he wanted to grab my chest. I told him to f*** off which is usually against my character and now he's not speaking to me. Any help? I can't handle it anymore. Ive told him so many times.
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male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 That feeling will never go away.
I was cheated on too. And I tried to make it work. But that sick gut wrenching feeling you get if you try to get sexual with your partner is there to stay.
And if you don't like the way he behaves around you as well, your best bet is divorce. Take him for all he's worth. He cheated on you with your friend. Make him pay.
A
male
reader, N91 + ♥, writes (23 March 2018):
 There's absolutely no way back from this.
I don't think any amount therapy or advice could make you let a man who makes your toes curl back into your life and easily show love and affection to him.
You don't love him or trust him and you never will do. Why waste your life trying? As long as your son has two parents that love him that's all that matters.
Break up and get your life back.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 March 2018):
 "I'm trying to make my marriage work but the idea of sleeping with him or anything makes me want to run away."
But OP, while I understand that you hate him, isn't sex the underlying factor, the one connection,the one thing that sets a marital relationship apart from other relationships? Without sex you're essentially just two people sharing a house. You're also giving your extremely crass, immature and horny husband an excellent excuse to cheat because you're not fulfilling his carnal desires. There's a saying that I don't fully agree with but in your husband's place, it kind of holds true. "Women need a reason to cheat; men just need a place".
He didn't cheat because he thought he'd "lost" you; he cheated because he wanted to. He then had the audacity to blame it on your hobby. OP do you really see yourself spending the next 50 years with this man? Do you think that your child will grow up in a happy environment, with a mom who's constantly unhappy and a dad who's a complete ass? And do you think that realistically it's possible to have a sexless, loveless marriage for the rest of your life?
You haven't forgiven him and you can't now. He hasn't changed his tactless ways and won't either. He'll keep pawing at you, keep trying to get you into bed, you'll keep a snapping at him and it'll soon get ugly. Why not part in a civil way and save yourself further pain?
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A
male
reader, justmyownself +, writes (22 March 2018):
This is a unique situation you've put yourself in, nevertheless, there is always a solution to everything. I can list out a few things that may help:
1. The one priority you have got right in this marriage: You want your child's life to be a complete.
2. You BOTH need to work on your marriage. So Marriage counselling it is!
3. Breaking up or living a bad marriage is not the best of solutions available.
4. A marriage without the sexual excitement is one of the reasons for affairs. Do things together, spend time together, speak out, communication is key!
5. From experience, The best relationships are the ones that are built on friendship. They last longer because you're friends first and couples next.
6. You both need to work on your trust issues! It does take 2 to tango!
Hope you're able to sort this out without breaking the marriage!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): What kind of hobby do you have that keeps you distant from your husband?
Does it keep you out all night?
Does it glue your lips together so you can no longer talk to him or smile?
It sounds very dubious to me!
You are putting hubby in an impossible situation with your shut down of feelings so own it!
You can't blame your hub.
If you want to shatter your lives then figure out why.
Perhaps you are a hopeless romantic always wanting something else.
But you are not kind.
You are not clear to your hub or your son who you will
you explain to one day "that daddy had an affair and mummy went elsewhere."
But why do you need our approval?
You've taken step one, two and three so take step four and see a one to one counsellor or couple therapy to figure out your mixed messages and concentrate on what's important to you and how to move forward.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (22 March 2018):
 You didn't reveal how you found out about your husband's affair, so I'm not certain if he told you, if your friend told you, or if you accidentally found out. That information would have had an impact on my response by I'll just play it by ear. In rocky relationships, people sometimes accuse others of doing things that they know they're capable of doing themselves. He assumed you were cheating because he has probably already cheating on you before and that fear of it happening to him builds up inside him. To make matters worse he targeted a friend. Cheating on someone because you were afraid of loosing them is like getting a new dog because you haven't seen it around the house since morning. It's a bag of crap. It even sounds selfish.
Of course he's remorseful....they're always "remorseful", they then want to act as if they didn't do something hurtful and wrong. Cheaters tend to be stellar actors and sometimes very self-centered because cheating is a choice. However, everyone I think, deserves second chances. Pushing the cheating scandal behind us let's look towards the future.
What you're feeling is natural because he severed the emotional bond between the two you which haven't healed but wants to have physical relations, most likely for his own needs but the problem here is, how long will you feel this way? This is a marriage after all. He does sound rather manipulative however.
I think a middle man is needed here because you're hurt by something that he did and he doesn't seem to care that much and to add injury to insult he does things that upset you. Try and set up a counselling session so that a professional can weigh in on what each individual needs to do here because it seems to be at a two way lock.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 March 2018):
 By the sound of it, the command to "f*** off" was well overdue. At least it got through to him, which nothing else seems to have done. I feel your pain because I had a boyfriend just like this many years ago. The consistent uninvited and unwanted mauling soon got on my nerves and I ended the relationship because I was starting to hate him anywhere near me.
I have a question: why did you marry this man? Surely he was like this before you married him? Did you make the mistake of assuming he would change? He is who he is, and obviously has no regard for you or your feelings, otherwise you would not have needed to resort to swearing to get him to listen to you.
Do you actually WANT to salvage what is left of this relationship? Do you realize he will probably never change?
I totally get that you have a child together and, for his sake if nothing else, you need to try to get on, but it doesn't sound like there is much worth salvaging here. On the other hand, if you agree to part in a civilized manner and both stay in your son's life, maybe you could stay friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2018):
 I have to agree with FA and Allumeuse,
I don't think there is anything here to salvage. Things in your marriage have not been going well for a LONG time, well before he cheated. You both ignored it. He then CHOSE to cheat to either feel better about himself, or get your attention (or both - I'm guessing both because the women he CHOSE to hook up with were YOUR friends and it was probably inevitable it would get back to you.)
You weren't happy either, which is why your hobby became more important than him. so in a sense you ignored the marital issues by burying yourself in your hobbies. It's called escapism. Most of us do it to an extend. Having hobbies are (FOR THE MOST PART) great. Because they ADD to the quality of our lives. But when they become MORE important that one's partner, they are not great (for the partner at all).
It seems like you understand and take SOME responsibility for the marriage breaking down. However, DO NOT think it's YOUR fault he cheated. THAT was HIS choice. You didn't MAKE him.
I also TOTALLY understand why you don't want sexual intimacy with him any more, and you might never "recover" that again.
If you and he REALLY want to try and make the marriage work, I'd suggest marriage counseling ASAP.
You two can't do it on your own. And as long as you resent him because of the cheating it's not going to work.
As for his "objectifying" behavior. I think your husband is VERY emotionally immature. Think "playground" where a buy would pull a girl's pigtail because he likes her. For a 5 year old you can kind of understand the crude behavior, but for a grown man it's just... not attractive. And it becomes even LESS attractive when you somehow connect the behavior with him having cheated. It makes it seem disingenuous, fake and CRUDE. I think he is TRYING to get your attention - like a 5 year old. He knows you have "gone off" him.
So decide, IS there something here to build on? If there is, GET counseling TOGETHER. If not, then seek a divorce. Don't stay together for your child, it's not fair on you or your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): I think the advice you have been given is excellent. You don't appear to love him and you and he are definitely sexually incompatible. I would only add that your friends that have been willing to betray you with your husband are not deserving of your friendship. dump them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): Okay, maybe your husband doesn't get it that the dirty language and illicit approach is degrading and disgusting to you. To be honest, I think desire for you husband was lost long before the affair; and the way he talks to you isn't entirely the cause of the disconnection. It only exacerbates the problems.
You don't enjoy the touch of your husband, and you are very upset by the fact he has had affairs with your friends. You are now even more repulsed by his touch. You give no backstory about how your marriage came to be or how it evolved to the state where you no longer enjoyed intimacy with him.
Did you ever really love him, or was he the first guy who came along and popped the question? Was the marriage for the sake of your son, or did you just want to be married?
Real-love doesn't just stop on a dime. Dirty-talk doesn't make a wife stop loving her husband. I speculate love was absent before the marriage, my dear. Perhaps this is a marriage of convenience. The revulsion you have for your mate borders on hatred; and now you've got more reasons to be distant.
I'm not even going to address the matter of his affairs. I don't think you care about him anyway. It's just another reason to dislike him. He told you he felt he had lost you.
That's no excuse, but it may be a clue.
I don't think marriage-counseling will repair this. I don't think there is any love for him.
Most of our lady OP's mention how they originally felt love for their spouses or boyfriends; and then there's some turning-point. The word love never appeared in your post. We clearly see how revolting you find him. Counseling may help you to open communication and might offer some mediation; but no one can make you love anybody. A wife who loves her husband doesn't mind his naughty words. You talk like he's some stranger in your house.
If you feel no love. Divorce him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 March 2018):
 Anezka, the objectification is not about him talking dirty; it's about him making sexual comments and groping her when she's made it clear that she doesn't like it. That's objectifying her. It's putting his sexual view of her before treating her like a person with feelings.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 March 2018):
 I'm pretty Sure he isn't very interested in a sexless marriage, which has apparently been your goal all along.
Don't get me wrong I completely understand why you are no longer attracted to him. Sexual infidelity usually causes an aversion to sex in the betrayed partner. When you see him acting sexual all you can see him acting inappropriately with your feckless friends.
The trouble is that while you are repulsed by him and are in the habit of rejecting any advances on his part since long before the infidelity, you still think you are working on the marriage. This is where you are wrong. Working on the marriage is trying to heal and bring the relationship closer, while for 10 month you have been escalating the conflict. You are no closer to him now than last may. In fact now you are surprised that you can tell him to F- off. Soon you will escalate to more violent speech and possibly actions.
You need to admit to yourself that you are not attracted to him, and that you desire less interaction with him. What you really want is a divorce. And he has richly earned it. His guilt and possibly financial penalties are the only thing keeping him from filing for divorce. With your feelings about him and about sex with him, you should do the right thing and file for divorce from him.
To be honest, as clumsy as he is, he has never stopped being sexually attracted to you. That is not enough to hold a marriage together. Neither of you is willing to do the things that it would take to "make the marriage work." It is better to move on and find a chance for both of you to find happiness.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (21 March 2018):
I think your time is up. If you didn't fancy him before you certainly aren't going to now.
It seems like your marriage was in trouble before this so its unlikely to heal itself.
To make matters worse your husband isn't hearing what you say. How is it going to get better is you don't feel listened to?
So, in short, you weren't really sexually interested in your husband before he had the affair and definitely aren't now and he doesn't listen to you how you hate being spoken to that way or respect your personal boundaries. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
You two need to go to marriage guidance to see if you can fix these disconnections. But it seems you two have neglected your marriage for a long time. It's like a garden, you have to tend it, fix the small things, have difficult conversations, otherwise it withers.
And whilst you are looking at your marriage, have a good hard look at those friends of yours.
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A
female
reader, Anezka98 +, writes (21 March 2018):
Hi! So it sounds like you need to tackle this from way back. You need to analyze why is it that you started pulling back from the beginning and focusing on your hobbies more. Could it be that you no longer felt a connection with him? What he did was wrong but you need to decide if you will be forgiving him in the future or you just can’t ever so you can either start working on your relationship and forgiveness or finding what to do next. It’s ok to not like his dirty talk, men sometimes like it and women sometimes too. Was he like that too when you did find him attractive? If not remind him of that. If he was then he’s probably confused as to why you don’t like it anymore. I don’t think he’s objectifying you. Some guys just get turned on by talking dirty. Yet not all women find that a turn on. If you ever find yourself being intimate again you need to be clear on what you are ok or if it continues think about moving on.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 March 2018):
You need marriage counselling, OP. You can't improve this on your own and, unfortunately, divorce seems inevitable.He objectifies you and refuses to care that you hate it.You need professional help, but it's likely you won't be able to move past this *and* fix his annoying groping/comments.
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