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My fiancee didn't tell me that he's frequenting these so called massage places where prostitution is involved!

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 May 2014) 43 Answers - (Newest, 6 May 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *ary01 writes:

I need help. My fiancee didn't tell me that he is frequenting these so called massage places where prostitution is going on. I am devastated. He says that he went there for relaxation but i can't see how going to prostitutes is a form of relaxation. I really fail to realize that. I know he was getting bathed and touched by those women in an erotic way. I have big issues with stopping thinking about what he did with those women. I don't think I will get married to him anymore. This behavior is unacceptable and I can’t accept it. He apologized but that won’t do. I am so angry I don’t want to see him ever again, he repels me now. What he did with those women disgusts me even more. The massages involve the woman seeing him naked as well, i don't like that.

Any advice on what I should do? I am not a forgiving person at all and this makes me sick. But we have been together for 4 years. I need some well thought opinions please. Thank You.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (6 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntI thought that you and she had a lot in common, you even sound the same!

The best revenge is living well. Any other type of revenge just pulls you back down in the mire. Rise above, move on, and get that counseling if you are stuck.

Best wishes.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes, i told my family and the engagement is cancelled. I haven't cut him off my contacts tough. You never know when opportunity to hit him back will come. Its just so hard to stop thinking what he let those women do to him. I will definitely feel anger and the need for revenge for a long time. Thank you for your input tough, i appreciate it. That other woman in the answer you provided a link for knows what she is talking about.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (6 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntI didn't say you would forget it. I said that you are in a mourning process for the end of the relationship. You will have to get to a new 'normal' and that will take some time; rely on friends and family for support during this difficult time.

Talking to the ex will not help you get over it, it will only prolong the pain.

Have you cut contact with him? Have you told your friends and family that you have ended the relationship? If not, time to do. Taking some positive steps for your recovery will help you feel just a tiny bit more in control and may help you feel better.

Best wishes.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Tisha-these massage parlors offer more than just hand relief and a nude massage. I believe it will take more several months to forget.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (6 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntWell, as you are 21 and were with him for 4 years, you have obviously only ever been serious with him. So breaking up isn't easy or nice but the feelings will pass.

Don't keep talking to him, that will only prolong the mourning process.

Seek support and comfort from your friends and family, the people who love you.

In a few months, this will get better. If it does not, then consider getting counseling to help you cope.

Best wishes.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (6 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I just found out recently, i didn't know he was doing this kind of thing behind my back. Yes i broke up with him, but i feel very bad and no relief. He took a big part of life away from me.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (6 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntI remembered a question that covered this just 2 months ago: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriends-friends-visit-massage-parlors-for-happy.html

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (5 May 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntI'm confused. You wrote "I definitely don't want to get involved with anyone who frequents these places" but in your question "we have been together for 4 years."

So are you with a man or is this more of a soapbox type post?

If your fiancee is visiting massage parlours (not legitimate massage therapists) that provide hand jobs, and that's a deal-breaker for you, then break up with him.

End of story. Don't bother talking to him any more.

"I think i will cheat on him out of anger and jealousy!" Don't bother, just break up with him.

"I am showing him the back door tomorrow." Today is that tomorrow, have you split up with him yet?

"He repels me now and i find it hard to be near him." Why are you near him anymore? End the relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014):

Hi,

Just add to things. These massage parlours, saunas etc are really places to go to 'enjoy' being with a girl for 30 mins or so. They involve a 10 mins nude type of massage and then after , extras are offered. These are called relief.

Really, a guy would go to these kind of places for the relief and having brief company with a girl. When I was in my early single 20's, I went to a few a couple of times purely so I could enjoy the company of an attractive girl that I couldn't get in real life.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Mark, i am also in the UK!!! that's disgusting, there must be many guys going to these massage parlors if the area is so busy. I definitely don't want to get involved with anyone who frequents these places.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (5 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Well, they ARE brothels, OP.

Men who want JUST a relaxing massage to soothe tension stiffened muscles , would go to a legit massage place where licensed massage therapists ( those who have gone to massage school , got their legal credentials and can SHOW them ) work.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntThey are brothels OP! Sorry but "massage parlours" are a legal name for brothels.

It so that should the police enquire as to the prostitution the owner says "the blokes pay for a massage mate, anything else that happens (ie sex) is not paid for and is because the girl wanted it with the man, non of my business." hence its legallity. Here in Birmingham (UK) there is a famous road out of the city centre which is extremely busy with shoppers, clubbers, etc. a couple of years back police raided a massage parlour and found dozens of girls, mainly eastern Europeans, some underage, forced into prostitution there. Nice! And that was an expensive part of the city too.

NOBODY goes to massage parlours for massage. Its for either oral, full sex or hand relief. Possible a bit of a massage before but its about sex.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014):

I'm a qualified therapist. These places are not proper massage clinics. They are basically brothels and Honeypie is right about trafficked women and sometimes even minors are working there. Seriously, of course they're going to lie to you!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou called the place and you actually think they would tell you the truth and the whole truth?

Honey! Don't you think they ave a standard "excuse" they use for all the "belligerent" GF's and wives?

Who does she make her money off? The men or their significant others?

Don't be naive.

He doesn't go for a MASSAGE because those girls are not TRAINED to massage. They are trained (if at all) to AROUSE and get a guy off.

GO GET TESTED for a FULL STD/STI panel, when you doctor asks WHY tell him you found out your EX frequented BROTHELS/Massage parlous.

And stop listening to his excuses. He didn't see him going was wrong til you dumped him or threaten to dump him, what does that tell you? HE is PLACATING YOU. Hoping you will believe that he went for a shower and massage.. SERIOUSLY? Shower? With whom? And a massage? With someone untrained?

IF he truly NEEDED a massage, he would have gone to a day spa. He wouldn't have hidden it FOR YEARS. He might even have book a couples spa day for the two of you.

Massage parlous/brothels use TRAFFICKED women. Young girls who can't just get up and walk away. THIS should never be supported!

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Cindy, that's disgusting. These places are worse than brothels.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (5 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Op, it's not about the " need ", it's about how things work in these places. Touching and rubbing etc. are for arousing the client ( and it's uncluded in the massage fee ) , then the conclusion ( happy ending ) happens manually, or orally, for an extra "tip".

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntOP do you really think if you contact the woman she is going to say "Oh yeah you fella paid me for sex, called me a bitch and cum on my breasts?" I think not!

Everyone has the right to privacy in such matters in that respect plus whos going to admit being paid for sex?

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I don't think there is a need to go further than getting a bath and a massage tough, that's bad enough there is no need for sex tough.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Oh god, actual sex? i contacted the lady and she said he has been getting a "shower and a massage" i said to her is that it? she responded "yes". I assume what she meant was that he got a happy ending with a massage and a bath. Well that is definitely a deal breaker for me. He keeps apologizing and promises he will never to it again, but he also insists that it's just a massage. He is a fool if he thinks i fall for that. He repels me now and i find it hard to be near him. He deserves the worst i believe.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014):

OP as someone who frequented massage parlours in the past I can assure you there is little in the way of masages going on!

Please don't be naïve enough to think he is having his body rubbed with oils. He is NOT! he is having sex or at least sexual acts with these women. I don't know of anyone who goes to these parlours for a genuine massage. That's health spa treatment, something VERY different!

You need to get tested for HIV and other STIs as he is putting himself and you at risk.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (5 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt....But for revenge - cheating on him, you should still be together with him. Didn't you say that you are going to leave him ?... I really think that leaving him is your best, and only, course of action. It's not that people can't ever be forgiven for their weaknesses and mistakes, it's that he does not want forgiveness because he does not even think he has done anything wrong, or at least won't admit it. He is not regretful for what he's done, he thinks it's not a big deal and you are just being a nag. Ergo, the moment you forgive him,.. he'll just dive into a massage parlour for more erotic massages ( which, btw, involve more than just being bathed and oiled by pretty ladies, I am not quite sure if you realize it .. ) only this time he'll be more careful in covering his tracks.

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (5 May 2014):

bronzed adonis agony auntIt`s got nothing to do with relaxation. He pays prostitutes, full stop.

The only reason I can think of a man wanting to pay for it, is maybe they are doing a specific act on him that the average girl just wouldnt want to do. That doesnt mean this is necessarily his case though.

Whatever it is doesnt matter. What matters is that he cheats on you with prostitutes. The next move lies in your hands. I hope you decide what to do wisely. There is no need to tell you what to do, because you already know.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014):

If I were you I'd be worried about what he hasn't said he's been up to...he could have caught any disease or infection from some back alley prostitute and passed it on...no I wouldn't forgive. I'd tell everyone what a lying scumbag he was, how he was inconsiderate of the plight of women in prostitution and that it's over. Massages for relaxation from prostitutes? No, he was going there for more than a massage otherwise he would've seen a trained masseuse! I'd be as angry as you and I'd want nothing more to do with them. Good luck x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014):

As my mother always said "Keep your standards high and be careful of who you mix with"

Op you come across as an intelligent woman. Don't ever accept this type of behaviour. It will only get worse.

Set yourself free. It will hurt but it’s the right thing to do. And lastly....be true to yourself. You have one life and make it good for you.

There is much better out there for you.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Good answer Honeypie.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntYou, cheating on him out of anger will do NOTHING for you. Other then make you stoop to his level and.. make you look like you don't know what morals are. CLEARLY you know what they are, so you should know, that no matter the REASON cheating is cheating. No matter who does it.

And for people to say you should forgive, yea, I agree with you there. If THEY want to forgive someone cheating on them, then that is FINE. Doesn't mean you SHOULD.

YOU can forgive him (IF YOU WANT TO), doesn't mean you have to stay with him.

The fact that HE (the OP's BF) can't see that he did anything wrong means he doesn't deserve her forgiveness or her as a GF. (at least in my book).

Yikes!

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I discovered this by seeing a message on his phone. An Asian lady was texting him telling him the date and time of his next session. Disgusting, i knew what's going on immediately and done some research as well as asked his friends to confirm my suspicions. My friends told me to dump him.

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A male reader, wise-guy United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Good for you. If you don't feel right about this guy then drop him - you're 21, find someone you feel comfortable with.

Just don't become a cheat yourself, as tempting as it is to hurt him do not do that

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I am surprised about the answers that suggest to be more forgiving. Sorry but i would NEVER EVER forgive cheaters, marriage or not. Haven't you hear once a cheater always a cheater? i am sticking to that. I am 21 by the way. We got together at 17. I clearly said he was cheating on me all the way from the start. Why bother with someone who can't understand what morals are if there are 7 billion people out there? i don't get it. Cheaters don't deserve forgiveness at all. Sorry but that's my view.

Do cheaters deserve a second chance because they have behaved good? what kind of idiot said that clearly will get cheated on in the future. I appreciate his kindness but in no way in hell will i forgive 4 YEARS of cheating with massage prostitutes. It's killing me that i didn't find out earlier. I think i will cheat on him out of anger and jealousy! getting his body fondled by one of those women, it makes me sick. I am showing him the back door tomorrow.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (4 May 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSometimes, we guys tell you girls some real WHOPPERS (lies).... and many of you (girls) hear them and don't have the foggiest idea what they "mean."

WAKE UP!!!

Good luck....

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A male reader, methuselah United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Hi,

If he did this while in a relationship with you, then I am amazed. This is not good.

There are professional massages...that is a fully trained masseuse or there are 'massages' that can include relief endings for the client. For a guy in a relationship then I think this is out of line. If my partner was doing this, then it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd be devastated.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 May 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntI'd read ms Honeypie and take that road---Relaxation can definetly be achieved via a little romp in the sack but so can a myriad of STDs.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (4 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I can see how visiting prostitutes may be a form of relaxation ,but certainly it is not an appropriate form of relaxation for a man who is in a committed relationship!

He can call it what he wants, but if he was patronizing massage parlours to get erotic massages with a "happy ending", ... he was partecipating in sexual acts with another woman, i.e. was plain old cheating. That he cheated AND èaid for that, rather than cheating for free, it's completely irrelevant IMO. You said it yourself : this behaviour is unacceptable and you can't accept it. Then, do NOT accept it and do not stay with someone who has been cheating on you not just once, but regularly for the last 4 years.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014):

well i feel for you. But try to forgive people. Forgiveness is not just about people who offend you alone it also about letting go of negative emotions that can hurt you. Ask yourself if your 4 years with him is worth fighting for or throwing away because of this issue. You have the luxury of leaving right now. What if you guyz were married with kids and this happens? Would you walk away, throwing away your marriage and everything you worked together for, or just stay with him with resentment in your heart? D choice is your's. You know your man better than we do. You should decide if he deserves a second chance to earn your trust. Remember you could do wrong to someone tomorrow do you want to be forgiven or not?

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A male reader, wise-guy United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Why on earth would he do that? He had a perfectly good girlfriend at home who loved him - this is what gives us guys a bad name.

That was a really dumb mistake on his part. The thought of going to a place like that makes me awkward.

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A female reader, Mary01 United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Mary01 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He can't see what he did wrong at all. I find it very offensive that he let a lady rub him all over and bath him till he was clean. This makes me so angry i can't even sleep. him? its just a massage and he told me to get over it. He disgusts me.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntMy advice?

First go have a STD panel done. I'm not saying that prostitutes are full of STI/STD's but they are EXPOSED to them WAY more then the average man/woman.

If you can't see yourself marry him anymore then why not end it? Kick him out (if you are living together) or MOVE out yourself.

It would be a deal-breaker for me too. One thing is getting a massage by a masseuse (someone properly trained and in a non sexual way) another is going to "massage parlors" and getting his rocks off through erotic "massage". That is cheating to me.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (4 May 2014):

person12345 agony auntYou did the right thing, he was cheating on you and justifying it by saying they were paid to do it. I'm so sorry that happened. Right now you just need to take time for yourself. Cry, be upset, talk to your friends and family, and then keep yourself as busy as possible. The more time you spend sitting around with your thoughts, the more upset you'll be. 4 years together is a long time, but it doesn't justify cheating.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (4 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntDump him. Why would you want to continue to have a relationship with a man who pays other women to touch him, stroke his body and god knows what? How do you know he isn't having full sex? Even if he isn't this isn't like visiting a health spa and having a professional expert give a medically benefiting massage, this is paying prostitutes to caress his body.

Also you need to consider your own health. Please get tested for STIs and move on from this man (assuming you are in a relationship which is, or has been, sexual).

Besides, why would you want to get married at your age? Your between 18 and 21! You and your partner are still maturing, learning about adult life, developing and gaining life experience. I appreciate you have been together for 4 years but if your 18 then you would have spent the majority of the relationship as, basically, kids. If you are 21 then you got together at 16/17? You were two very different people then and will be different again in a few years time. Sorry if im going off piste here but I think you need to think about the fact that you are young, don't know what your BF is really up to and clearly he is not ready for a steady, adult relationship let alone marriage!!!

"This behaviour is unacceptable and I can’t accept it" Then don't. This man is putting your health at risk, basically cheating on you and is involved in a seedy, horrible world. Clearly he is not ready for marriage and is either extremely naïve or very selfish. Probably both. Either way he is not marriage material nor is he able to have a proper, normal relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014):

He cheated and he's covering it up by calling it "relaxation." End it before you're legally sworn to this guy. You're correct in your judgment and disgust for him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014):

If he has crossed "YOUR" boundaries.... it's a deal breaker, relationship over. It is definitely a deal breaker for me, I know what my deal breakers are, and I make sure my boyfriend knows in no uncertain terms what they are, so that IF they choose to cross them, I no longer have to think about whether or not I want to continue a relationship with them.

It is still going to hurt you to break up with this man, but you have strongly indicated that it goes against what YOU can accept/forgive/get over, so I suggest to you, you will never get over it. It will upset you for the rest of your life in some way, for as long as you stay with him.

IF YOU CAN forgive him, and you love him MORE that that, and you can forgive him if it happens again and you know in your heart of hearts he is your true love... then maybe consider working through this and forgiving him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014):

Yikes, nasty. I would feel the same too.. I'd also get myself tested for STDs. If I were you, I'd have to end it. He's been cheating, yes, if that's your question, for me that constitutes cheating and endangering your sexual health.

As a qualified massage therapist, I know the difference between a brothel and a massage clinic/salon. And so do most adults. Basically he's been visiting prostitutes. How did you find out? Or did he suddenly volunteer the information?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014):

You should learn to be a forgiving person, otherwise you can harbour grudges that turn into unhealthy issues for you. HOWEVER that does not mean you should stay with him. Did he say he went more than once over the years? You're very young, you will find someone else, and I think you should hold off on marriage and futures with people until you're in your mid twenties because you'll be a bit older and hopefully be with more mature guys who wouldn't want something like that from a stranger as it's cheating.

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