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Is it ok to only want sex?

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Question - (27 June 2012) 24 Answers - (Newest, 28 June 2012)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Is it ok to only want sex? I mean I see that women are often irritated because the new guy they just met only seems to be interested in sex. What's wrong with that?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

"But what I’m really thinking about is, will she open up to me? will she try to connect with me on an ever so high intimate level? will she burst with fire and passion?"

Not likely if you can't balance that out with a lust to get to know her in other ways.

Most of us get very horny with new girls OP but those of us that want that to last balance it out with a healthy emotional, intellectual and mental desire for her.

Your priorities are not at all related to what to what you actually need by the sounds of things. You talk about wanting fiery passion, yet you also mention emptiness and solitude. You sounds like one of those girls who sleeps around thinking that it will get guys interested in her enough to want to be with her. Sex doesn't fill a hole of emptiness and solitude, what's missing there is companionship OP not sex. You could go out and have sex with the same hooker every night, she could fake the fire and intimacy for you, do you think that would satisfy your needs?

You can help it, that's how the rest of us do it. Do you really think you're the only guy who is sitting there imagining all the things you'd like to do to a girl if you can get her alone when on a date? You're not but you have to stop thinking solely with your dick and getting carried away because quite frankly the best chance any of us guys have to get regular passionate sex with a woman who we adore is to take the time and work towards that without jumping straight into bed with her.

You need to curb your horniness and balance it with the whole getting to know the girl thing, sex is great but if you introduce it too early then the mystery, the magic and very often the passion goes with it.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (28 June 2012):

janniepeg agony auntGeneral questions get general answers. I have respect for men who decide they want to be single because of their career, but I have no respect for men who secretly yearns for that girlfriend experience but can't afford it. My fondest memories are having sex with strangers in foreign countries and I didn't see them once again.

What is it that you are asking? You already got two beautiful experiences.

Women who have experience will learn that this is how men function. They are visual and they are ready to mate. They have to get that out of the system before their energies can move up. There is an author who says that sex should begin early in the relationship. If this is what you believe also you don't have a problem. I do think many women are up for early sex nowadays.

It is also how you approach women. You don't assume that every woman will get hurt. You flirt with them and make them feel good. If they ask where the relationship is going then you tell them good things will come later, let's get to know each other first. "I want only sex" sounds too negative and it triggers the abandonment fears in a woman.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

*new girl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

"The reason that women are more choosy about who they sleep with is because they have the CHOICE."

This is only partially correct. Simply put given popular social conventions women are approached far more than guys as it's still how things are mostly done. Where that doesn't hold water is the fact that most of the guys who do the approaching are substandard sleazes. So in reality the choice is very often between drunken sleaze number 1 or egotistical player number 2.

Women don't have higher standards than men, read over the questions in this site to see the hilariously stupid things they will put up with from guys. We have the same level of standards just different criteria. I don't know many men that would think by giving a girl who only wants sex, lots of sex, that they can make her fall in love eventually and commit, yet that's all too common a notion amongst women and that leads to another reason a lot of girls hate the idea of a guy only wanting them for sex because most (at least most of the ones I know) have experienced what it's like to be used for just sex when they thought that there would eventually be a romance movie like moment and he'd fall in love.

I do know plenty of guys who think if they "treat" a woman to nice things, expensive dates etc. that eventually they can make that woman fall in love.

So let me ask you OP, Is it ok to only want money/expensive clothes/gifts? I mean I see that men are often irritated because the new guy they just met only seems to be interested in money. What's wrong with that?

While I'm sure there are plenty of guys and girls willing to do the casual sex/money thing, most of us would rather feel like more than just a living real doll or cash machine.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well many thanks for all your attention to this.

I see that many of you are implying that I am referring to the “only sex” in the context of casual sex, one night stands and impersonal sexual encounters.

I can say now that commitment is not an issue for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that flings and one night stands are not really my thing.

I once met a girl on, of all places, an aeroplane. We had a fling from Singapore all the way to Frankfurt and when we got to Frankfurt, we continued that experience further at the airport. A few hours later our respective connecting flights were ready for boarding, and we went our separate ways, never to see her again. Now I thoroughly appreciated her presence, her affection, her willingness and her beauty. But to this day when I think back on it, a feeling of sadness overcomes me. For me, her time with me meant something, for her it was superficial, another small adventure which was en suite with her upscale lifestyle.

Back in the summer of 2005, I spent some time in Aire sur l'Adour in south west France. There I met a beautiful French girl, with long black hair, lovely tanned skin wearing a very sexy and very short summer dress of jade green. I had sex with this girl, in many different places, very often outside and many times during the short occasion I was there. Again I had such an appreciation for her, the way she took my hand and put it under her dress and pressed it hard up against her left bum cheek, then taking my other hand and putting it on her firm breast, the way she gave herself over to me, her wiliness, her sex and her lust. Before I knew it was all over, we had to go our own ways and again I felt that sadness. But I didn’t see any of that in her. I saw contentment, fulfillment as her few days with me was just another small page in her book. Her carelessness and liberty was what her life was all about.

I have had a number of other encounters in my life time of similar narrative, but the ending is always the same, emptiness and solitude, for me that is.

Meeting a girl for the first time, all I’m thinking about is the sex. I’m sex crazed, I’m woman crazed, I won’t deny it. Many of you have spoken about standards, women having high standards, men having very low standards and so on. The women who I have made love to in the past have been average, beautiful, not so beautiful, slender, full figured, short, tall and so on. I don’t mind so much about how she looks. I do have standards but they are not about her appearance, but are about her ability to give herself over to me sexually, to submit and to be willing. When a women does give herself over to me, I’m excessively appreciative. I can’t think of anything more giving than what she is doing for me, what more is there for her to give? The fact that a woman opens up to me like a blossom, is nothing other than sacred, divine, almost illusory.

I guess that’s my problem. I’m there for the sex, passion and intimacy. I don’t need it with lots of different women, one night stands and flings. I want it with the same person and preferably for longer than just a weekend. And that’s the hard bit. On the rare occasion that I am lucky enough to find it, it’s always with a women whose life is continually on the move, progressing to higher levels. And when I’m lucky enough to encounter a women or girl who doesn’t lead this fashionable lifestyle, I’m accused of being shallow and only thinking about sex. Well it’s true, I can’t help it, I am only thinking about sex with the new women I just met. But what I’m really thinking about is, will she open up to me? will she try to connect with me on an ever so high intimate level? will she burst with fire and passion?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

I asked a similar question about this months ago on here and got vilified for acting like a "pig"....I love how it's SO inappropriate for men to be upfront about wanting sex and, moreso, actually engaging in sex makes you 'dirty', while women - the very same who will criticize such a lifestyle - will go around and form successive pseudo-relationships, one, after another, have sex with that person and when it falls apart, they just file it under a 'love-life experience that didn't work out' and claim they're still at a higher level, morally, than the person who 'just want's sex'....

On a side note: a lot of people, mostly women, will say being upfront about having sex with an individual really means you 'don't really like me'...truth be told, it's the complete opposite - think about it: out of the 7 billion people on the planet, I find you so attractive that I get sexually aroused and would love to have the opportunity to have sex with you....it's the nicest compliment anyone could receive! If a woman ever told me she gets "aroused" by looking at me and wanted to have sex, I'd have a smile on my face for the next 2 weeks! It means I'm better than the other 3.5 billion males who COULD have had sex with her

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

well said, CindyCares.

We, women have a patience to wait for someone that we like at least physically to enjoy our casual sex to the fullest if we choose to have it. If we dont meet someone we like at least physically we go home alone and "do it" ourselves. We dont go so low as to jump in bed and be intimate with someone who in a morning we ll look down on because he is below our standards.

And if a guy that i choose looks down at me because i m below his standards after he had sex with me, i can say only one thing: too bad for him.

we, women dont have sex as often as you guys, because we are choosy. also we have more choice because of you guys going for it too easy, because you dont care who to hump.

it is effortless for us to have any, because of the way you guys are, you would go with anyone even if she is far from your standards.

Casual sex doesnt happen that often for us, as for you, because we dont want to look down at our sexual partner in a morning and think that he is below our standard, we want to like our fling very much and remember it with a smile.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (28 June 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt Supposing that the theory of anon male of June 28th is correct, I don't see what it proves, or disproves.

Probably , just that generally men are willing to go way below their standards for the sake of a "whatever" fuck, as lackluster as it may be, ... and generally, women are not.

... the discovery of hot water, if you ask me.

Probably the balance of power in the erogation of sex, so to speak, would change if men would learn not to mitify and overrate any banal exchange of fluids , and have sex only when they feel it's really worth their time and attention.

If you ( generic horny guy ) ask me for a one off, or casual sex, I am not flattered . I know it just means that you are horny and maybe you are lazy, or having carpal tunnel problems, so rather than using your own hand, you want to use my vagina.

But I am not like you, I 'd have no problems to channel my sexual energy in non sexual pursuits , or simply ( excuse my bluntness ) to use my own hands until my fingertips are worn out UNLESS I find someone just as, or very close to, my specifications. The very good looking, out of my league guy, would be at least compatible with, in fact exceeding, my physical, visual , sensual requirements, if not the emotional ones - which is already something.

But the average guy - what's in it for me ?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012):

The reason that women are more choosy about who they sleep with is because they have the CHOICE.

The average looking women go after hotter men for casual sex, because they can. But what does that leave for the average man when he wants a casual fling? Women below his standards, that's what. And when the man does choose women below his range for casual flings, then an average woman in his range looks down on him for it. She thinks the fact that she got a hotter man is proof of her attractiveness. She should be realizing that the hot guy sees her the same way that the average man looks at his below-average flings.

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A female reader, justmen United States +, writes (28 June 2012):

justmen agony auntI love the SVC's line that if it's just about sex you are essentially masturbating into the other person. I don't agree with eyeswideopen's assessment that a relationship where both consensual adults are openly and honestly to one another, just in it for the sex, can be equated to prostitution. The honesty piece is key if this is the set up. If both parties know at the onset that's what it's about, fine. Even a prostitute knows he/she will be paid for the act and nothing more. It all depends on whether both parties are aware and into it .

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A female reader, AuntyEm United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2012):

AuntyEm agony auntWomen want ramonce and love not just to be a penis 'parking space'.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012):

Completely agree with person12345. Ussualy guys who just want sex, will say anything to get a woman in bed tonight. They usually don't want to work hard to please that woman, because they don't care if she has orgasm or not, because they know they will never see her again, or even if they see her again it would be again just for sex, so who cares how she feels!

So, a female body is used as commodity, there is no effection, there is no pleasure here for a woman, that's why they're irritated by this. They basically, know what's coming, and not only it's not flattering, but somewhat humiliating.

Male anonymous who said that if a woman treats a man like a sex object than it's ok, and called it hypocrisy. That's the thing, women are very very rarely almost never are in only for sex. They are more selective in choosing their partner, and if there is a situation when only sex is welcomed, they at least choose their partner based on physical qualities. At least women need to physically like their partner to be in bed with him. Men on the other hand couldn't care less who they bang, if it's free and effortless.

We are not the same, men and women, but we need each other to leave this life.

I m glad OP asked this question and got many answers for his benefits. I think men need to understand how we women work, its about time.

Also, I want to add, that many years ago, I met a guy who was very handsome. I was very young, and felt in love with him. 20 years later I still consider him to be my best lover. He was so excellent in bed, givin me multiple orgasms every single time we were together. I loved, loved, loved sex with him.

2 months into dating him, I realized that he was a dummy, talkative one too. He loved talking after sex how much he is into me, and all this stuff. I was embarrassed to take him to my friends, because he was so stupid.

I had him for another 2 months, and then broke things off, because I realized that I m turning into man: I didn't want anything to do with him, just sex, which I can't say enough how unreal it was. After sex I wanted just to get up and leave, without listening to him talk.he wanted to hang out before and after, I just wanted to go to bed with him, and leave immediately after it was over. I was turning into man, and I stoped liking myself. I just couldn't use like this another human being.

So, anonymous, there is a big difference between men and woe, we are not the same

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A female reader, Tez7 United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2012):

hi there,

not all women are like that, i myself dont want commitment at the moment, and im only interested in the sex.

its the perfect thing for me at this time.

if youve just met the person then its just not logical for her to suddenly assume that something more than sex will happen.

however you shouldnt lead them on if nothing more will come out of it.

just be more respectful and let the lady know what you want and dont want, that way you'll both be on the same page.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

eyeswideopen agony auntThat's exactly why prostitution is the oldest profession. Hopefully you live where it's legal and you don't pick up any nasty surprises.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (27 June 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt Because it basically means that you don't like me , and you are arrogant enough to tell me that in my face AND expect me I'd be ok, or maybe even all excited, about it.

It means that I am decent looking enough for you to be able to have an erection with me- not a great compliment, particularly from men who really set their bar so very low, at anything that breathes- but I am not good / special / interesting / cool enough that you may want to know me, to try and spend time with me, to have a conversation, to share my interests and let me share yours.

It means, I think you are boring so I'd limit my time with you to what's strictly necessary , and I'be embarassed to introduce you to my friends or show you off in public, and

I don't want to get stuck with you even just temporarily because I am sure that I can do much better than you... but hey, I am horny, help me have an orgasm without costing me any money, time and effort.

No wonder that often the answer is : yeah right.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIn my opinion it’s OK to want only sex if you are open and honest about it from step one… NO LIES, no pretending to actually LIKE her for more than a roll in the hay….

Be prepared to be lonely….. most women are not interested in just sex they want it all and that’s a good thing. AT YOUR AGE you should too… if you don’t I strongly suggest you look into why you are so commitment phobic.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 June 2012):

Honeypie agony auntBecause it's nice to be more then a hole in the mattress to another person.

If you are not capable of anything but sex, it says a lot about you. And for most woman what is says is, NOT a keeper.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

It is totally fine as long as its mutual that way. A man doesnt use a woman for sex any more than a woman uses a man for sex. Its knowing the parameters of the interaction beforehand, and everyone is responsible for that themselves. If someone lies about their intent, that is different. But adults make their own decisions, and are wholly responsible for their own actions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012):

Because women know we'll pretty much shag anything with a pulse. It's not exactly a compliment to just be interested in sex, it says you don't think she's interesting/pretty/fun enough to want to date.

It says all you see is tits and ass, and she's "doable" and that's it.

Most women want to feel desired and just wanting sex means you think she's only worthy of sticking it in and that you don't desire her at all in any meaningful way. She's basically just another random vagina, no more special than any of the other girls around.

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A male reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2012):

Dr.LanceMerryweather agony auntIt's a 'woman' thing.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (27 June 2012):

person12345 agony auntBecause you are using her for her body. No one wants to feel used. Also women who engage in casual sex rarely have orgasms, so there isn't much in it for them a lot of the time. The women who get upset about this are usually upset because some guy will get them in bed, and then only tell them they're not interested in a relationship after they've already used them.

The whole point of sex is that there is another person there and you are interacting if not connecting with them. It's a little odd to physically connect and not emotionally do it. If you are using someone for sex, you are essentially masturbating into them and that's not fair to them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012):

Do I hear the sound of blatant hypocrisy?

Just sex is a basic human right when a woman wants it. Women act like its a human need that all liberated adults in 2012 have every right to pursue without being judged.

But the same women will turn around and act like its proof of mens emotional immaturity when a man wants just sex and they want more.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (27 June 2012):

janniepeg agony auntI do look down on men who only want sex, because they have nothing else to offer but his penis. If men are not ready for relationships they should stay celibate until they have their lives together. It's not I am afraid of getting hurt, but cheap sex is so available that I am not too excited about it anymore. I would rather do something else to uplift my mind.

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (27 June 2012):

Starlights agony auntWell if its only sex the new guy is after and not her personality; sure the lady will feel some hurt.

Its ok to want sex and friendship too; but if its solely just about sex it can be a unbalanced relationship.

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