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I told him I was a virgin, but left out lots of details

Tagged as: Dating, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 November 2014) 9 Answers - (Newest, 29 November 2014)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Thanks in advance for your advice. 4 months ago I met an incredible man and we have been dating since. He is 23 and I'm 22. We have a great relationship and I can feel that he truly loves me. Both of us know we share something special and I don't think either of us has felt this way before about anyone. 2 months ago I asked him if he was a virgin (it actually didn't and doesn't matter to me at all I was just curious) and he said yes to which I said I am too. Now the truth is that I have actually tried to have sex with my previous boyfriend but both times I was so tense and "unready" that it was extremely painful and he couldn't fully penetrate me. Months later I started pleasing myself in hopes of "loosening myself" and working on relaxing so that when I am finally ready it can 'work'. I am feeling extremely guilty because I feel like I should have explained all of this to him when I said I am a virgin, maybe he wouldn't consider me a virgin after this- whether or not it actually matters to him I'm not sure of but I feel like I omitted information regarding my virginity and this is causing me a lot of anxiety and sadness. My question is, do I bring this up and go into further detail about what actually happened or do I let it go?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2014):

I wouldn't bring it up unless he specifically asks again, there is such a thing as offering too much information-technically/experience wise you are a virgin who hasn't had complete intercourse. Unless, you are going to have life long guilt that you neglected to say that you attempted intercourse if you end up together/marrying, then maybe you should mention it at some point.

I would get tested for everything because if your previous partner had an std, such as hpv, that and other stds can be contracted from any type of sexual activity.

I'de be willing to bet your bf has probably also had some type of sexual experiences even if he hasn't had intercourse yet, so you might want to discuss testing for stds before you two have sex as well as deciding on using proper protection.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (28 November 2014):

chigirl agony auntVirginity doesn't mean one is STI free... STI's can get caught in so many other ways than intercourse, and for most part is NOT transferred through intercourse, but through blood or from the genitalias touching. That means humping and fingering, oral sex etc ALSO puts you at risk. Being a virgin doesn't mean you are 100% inexperienced, hence being a virgin does not mean you are 100% sure not to have an STI. Besides, an ex of mine had Hepatitis B, and it wasn't contracted though sex, but from a health station in Ukraine where they used a dirty needle on him. So no, being a virgin is not some way to pretend to be "healthy". You need to get tested once you've had ANY sexual contact, whether you are a virgin or not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014):

If you were a virgin then your BF would not be risking STIs by sleeping with you. (Yes, HE IS risking that now. No protection is ever 100% and not all STIs can be tested for.)

You consented to having sex with someone else. You have taken all the risks of having sex with someone else including STIs and pregnancy. Therefore you are not a virgin.

Its time to come clean to your BF before proceeding farther. Big deal or not, he has the right to know what risk he is being exposed to.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (28 November 2014):

YouWish agony auntHmm, well, I have a bit of differing opinion here about this situation based on the wording of most laws in the country that define at what point a sex act is considered "committed".

You tried to have sex twice with your previous boyfriend, and you describe the inability to "fully penetrate". Well, penetration, even very slight, is enough to classify it as a sex act. Virginity doesn't need to break a hymen to be ended. It just needs to have a penis "penetrate slightly". In your case, one did. Didn't penetrate "fully", but it got in enough to make it painful for you.

That, plus the fact that you were a consensual and willing participant in the two sessions, makes you NOT a virgin. When you told this guy that you are, it was not the full truth.

I think in the matter of virginity, there should be honesty, not because I think a non-virgin is less than a virgin, nor do I subscribe to the antiquated idea of "pure" or "impure" misogynistic crap.

However, it is a matter of complete trust and sexual values. This guy is a virgin, and having made that decision, he should expect honesty from you.

Here's the thing - like many of the aunts who think you ARE a virgin, this is, in fact, a gray area. It's not like you had sex with another guy and went to have reconstructive surgery to deliberately lie about it. However, I think you should explain it to him just like you did on here, omitting the part about you trying to loosen yourself, which is irrelevant.

Also, your sexual activity does in fact expose you to STI's, which is another reason to be honest. At the 4 month mark, I think you should tell him what happened, that you attempted it, couldn't fully penetrate, and then decided to quit.

If nothing, you will feel a lot better. I don't think you were deliberately trying to deceive the guy like some on here who do have sex (one on here described it as "just the tip") and then lie about their virginity, even coming on here and looking for ideas to explain away the loss of the hymen to keep him from getting suspicious.

You should tell him. Tell him you believe you're still a virgin, but you care about him and wanted to make sure your relationship keeps true honesty, so you tell him about your attempts, and after telling him you were a virgin, you kept thinking about the "almosts" and decided you owed it to him to disclose the "almosts".

I doubt you'll have any problems.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (28 November 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony aunt"Virginity" is 'way overrated.....

Put this behind you and get on with your life with this guy, who - obviously - thinks that YOU are "somethin' special"!!!!!!

Good luck....

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (28 November 2014):

Ciar agony auntI third the advice already given. Being a virgin means you haven't had intercourse (it meant the same thing when I was a teenager and I'm 45 now), which you haven't.

It is inappropriate to volunteer or ask for excruciating details of past relationships.

Put your mind at ease. You're not obliged to provide any more information than you have. You're not lying. You're still a virgin.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (28 November 2014):

I don't think that knowing every single thing that's been in or around your vagina is something everyone you date needs to know.

Whether or not you're still a virgin is debatable, but you're definitely a virgin to lovemaking, and that's the spirit of the thing.

So relax and enjoy what you have going on with this guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014):

Thanks for your advice chigirl (I'm the writer of this question). The thing is, because I didn't try again and nave no other experience I feel like he didn't fully penetrate me but he actually may have do you know what I mean? The point is that I think my boyfriend thinks that I haven't tried anything at all and in this regard I feel like I'm deceiving him, I'm just upset because I wish I hadn't even voluntarily gave up information by saying I'm a virgin because I kind of feel like I am and because of when I tried but I also feel like I'm kind of not and this is exactly what I should have told him but now I don't know how to bring it up again and whether or not these details will upset him more than the fact that I am or am not a virgin

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (28 November 2014):

chigirl agony auntNo, its not necessary to tell him these things. You consider yourself a virgin, and these days that doesnt mean fully inexperienced. It means you havent had intercourse, which you havent. Whether or not you have tried with exes, or masturbate, is just details that dont change this fact. If he wants to know more, he will ask. Other than that, as a general rule you should NOT tell a current love about your experiences with past loves. Its generally not something anyone wants to hear, especially the details. Its a private matter that most people do not want to know about. So dont worry, you have told him exactly as much as he needs, and wants, to know.

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