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I really like the co-worker who I slept with but she's non committal and there's this other girl who's interested in me. What do I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Dating, Sex, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 September 2019)
A male United States age 36-40, *iket389 writes:

I’ll get right to it, I have a friend that’s also a coworker and we’ve been friends for years, and honestly I’ve always wanted more but haven’t expressed myself. Until recently, I expressed my feelings and we talked and it was just a line that we couldn’t cross. Fast forward a month and not to drag out the story but we hooked up, she messaged me one night while we were all out and asked me to come home with her. We ended up sleeping together twice in a week period both being honest with each other, she expressed that while she can see herself with me in the future, she’s cold and not emotionally available right now. And I expressed that while I could probably be casual it’s not what I’m looking for and I have genuine feelings for her. The sex was amazing, and I really enjoyed spending time with her but I don’t want to ruin a friendship either. And now I’m stuck in my feelings. We haven’t really had contact in about a week, but work will force that hand soon enough and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve been single for about a year, and her the same, and I’ve just now got back to where I’m comfortable with myself again and now I’m just a ball of bad feelings. To make things worse, someone else has approached me that wants to see me, I like the girl well enough and she’s looking for exactly what I am, I’m just really struggling because I can’t stop thinking about the other girl from work. I’ve never had feelings for more than one person in my life and didn’t think it was possible. It makes me feel uneasy and if I spend time with the newer girl I can’t get the girl from work off my mind. I’ve expressed my feelings to the girl at work and her honesty has been great, she’s told me not to pass anyone up or hold

Of my life because she can’t give false promises, but I can’t help but think there’s something there between us. Why do I feel so strongly for someone and a situation that’s clearly complicated and most likely to end bad, and another person pops into my life that seems perfect, and all I can do is think about the person that’s unavailable, or acting unavailable. I’m hurt and confused and don’t want to make the wrong decision, but I also don’t want to hurt anyone else. I want to see where this goes with the girl I’m talking to now but can’t get the other one off my mind. I need help

View related questions: at work, co-worker, girl at work, period

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A male reader, Miket389 United States +, writes (16 September 2019):

Miket389 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I really appreciate all of the insight and advice, there’s not I’ll intent on my end and I’ve truly never been in this situation before, it’s a difficult thing but I know the right thing to do now. Its deffinatley hard to the right thing sometimes when you want something so bad. I just need to clear myself of both situations and gather myself again

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIronic that you are considering using someone else as a Plan B option when your main crush is doing exactly the same to you. Telling you she can see you together in the future while, at the same time, telling you not to pass up on any opportunities or to put your life on hold for her, is her way of saying "I can see myself ending up with you in the future if I get no better offers in the meantime but I can't promise you ANYTHING so I will not try to keep you waiting".

Neither of these ladies sounds like she is going to work out for you, the first one because she is unavailable to you and the second one because YOU are unavailable emotionally to her. Don't use her as a consolation prize. Just say you are currently not in the right place mentally to date.

You need to step back, give yourself time to get over your disappointment, come to terms with the fact this "friend" is NOT interested in anything serious and, once you are over her, then start looking for someone else, preferably not via work. That seldom works out well.

Having less contact with your "friend", at least for a while, might also be a good idea to help you get over her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

Wise Owl is right, that you should stay away from any dating relationships with coworkers. You could have the harassment charges or just a nasty work enviornment, if the relationship turns south! Even if you do date a coworker and things are good, what if another male coworker starts moving in on your turf? Then you have a messy triangle situation, on your hands! Management has very little tolerence for lost productivity in the workplace, due to love dramas that play out on company time! If you owned a business, would you like to pay employees to flirt, make plans, just talk, or to argue about private business or jealousy in the workplace? I surely know that I would not tolerate, paying for that nonsense, and I would eliminate the problem PDQ, pretty damn quick! Why not just not date for a while and let your mind and heart calm down and let your feelings level out? After that time out, then make wise choices, to date away from your workplace! I hope this helps you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019):

Apart from the no-no of messing around with women on your job; I'll tell you what the problem is, in no-nonsense and no uncertain terms.

From the very start, the first woman told you she wasn't up for anything serious. Whenever a guy comments about how good the sex was, an alarm-bell goes off! Most of your feelings come from below the waist. The rest from your male-pride that doesn't like to take "no" for an answer. Then your will and sense of entitlement kicks-in; and you're stuck in a place feeling rejected. That's like being told by a female you're not good/man enough; or she didn't enjoy sex with you, as much as you enjoyed yourself. You feel somehow you've got to find a way to get over, perhaps continue in the pursuit to change her mind. That's when you're teetering or bordering on harassment. She has told you things have gone as far as they will go. That's that!

Oh, now you're sniffing around another woman at your job. Hopefully, this might make her jealous, or create a competition between them. I know this is rolling in the back of your thoughts. That's precisely how trouble begins, my friend! You go from one to the next. She said don't let her stop you, in female terms that means "go for it player, I've had my fun. You didn't impress me that much anyway!"

Now, here we go again! Now you're checking-out yet another female co-worker! Oh, she's described as perfect for you; but you want the other one. Yeah, your pride won't let-go of the one who told you it was just a hookup. It's just a matter of time before you proceed to use the other as your consolation-prize, to soothe your bruised-ego. Sort of "in-your-face! Then I'll find somebody else! Neh!!!" Just so happens they work for the same company, and likely to cross paths. They'll share notes too!

Guys making their rounds among the females on the job are nothing but trouble. You don't know how to separate business from pleasure; and it's just a matter of time before you've created drama, started rumors, and become the subject of gossip. It's distracting from the sole purpose of why you're at work, and that is TO WORK! Not to work your way through all the single and available female-workers!

My advice? Zip it up, and concentrate on what you're paid to do! Find your dates off-premises! Leave the female-staff alone; before you find yourself the subject of a sexual-harassment complaint, or a fatal-attraction. The only remedy to such cases might be giving-up a good job, or being fired.

If you can't get one off your mind; then leave them both alone!!! Don't lead the other young-woman on!!! You're not a kid in a candy store. She deserves better than being "settled-for" because you couldn't get the one you really wanted!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntYour coworker likes you well enough to have sex with you and hang out, but nothing more. That isn't really likely to change.

I have to ask, DO you think it's fair on the "new" girl to date her when she is really only a second option or a stand-in for girl #1?

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be used like that. Neither would you, I am sure.

Because you KNOW that if girl #1 said OK let's try this, you wold DUMP "new" girl like a rock.

Don't date someone because they are offering. DATE someone because you can SEE yourself WITH that person long term.

And girl #1... she is wasting your time.

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