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Does my wanting to perform oral sex on a man make me Gay/Bi?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 September 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 December 2019)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello, I have posted here before about a similar issue but it never got resolved and the sexual idenity confusion cycle continued.

My question is does my persistent fantasy of wanting to give another man oral sex make me gay/bi?

In the past I have found women attractive, even had crushes but I have also have had frequent fantasies of being with another man, sometimes its just kissing, other times sex and even a relationship/marriage, however my most frequent one is the desire to perform oral sex on a man, its the one that turns me on the most (most of my gay fantasies are arousing truth be told and they have become more frequent in recent years) and one I daresay would be perhaps interested in exploring in real life. But I don't know how to go about it nor do I understand what the feelings mean i.e whether its simply bi-curiousity or genuine desire.

I still find some women physically attractive but I can't ignore these constant thoughts and fantasies anymore. I would like some advise on what to do about it and what it could mean for me.

Like I said I have considered exploring that fantasy in real life but I do not want to lead anyone on, it would not be fair and I do not believe in using people like that.

I should say in my fantasies regarding oral sex, the physical appearance of the male is almost irrelevent as the focus is the penis. Sorry for the graphicness but considering how complicated and gray the psychology and thoughts of humans are, I thought it might help to add that detail.

View related questions: crush, kissing, oral sex

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A male reader, AvgGuy1 United States +, writes (19 December 2019):

AvgGuy1 agony auntIf you find that you are more physically &/or emotionally attracted to men... then you are probably gay. If you find that you are more physically/emotionally attracted to women then you are straight. That being said. You can be BIsexual (attracted to both equally). Or Polysexual - ANYone it just depends on the attraction.

Don't sweat it. Just go with the flow - what feels more 'natural' to you... even if scary. You'll eventually figure out which way you sway.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

Yes probably you are gay or bi. But you sound like you really don't want to be and that's why you're posting this again. You want to be told that having these thoughts doesn't mean anything. And sometimes that's true, but honestly, if you're having them to the point that it's bothering you, and you want convincing reasons why they're meaningless it just makes me think more strongly that they are meaningful.

Download grindr. Go to town on a penis. See how you feel then.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

Hello, I am the one who posted the question, I thank you all for the answers so far, but I have to clarify something as I think maybe this is a little misunderstanding about a part of my post.

While it is indeed true what I said, that the penis is the focus of the oral sex fantasies, I did actually say "almost" because there "is" a preference for the male involved, namely being muscular/athletic, my age and clean shaven. Its just in that scenerio, the act and the orgasm of the man is the focus.

Also in my other fantasies involving kissing/making out with a man, its more slow, gentle and romantic than pure eroticism.

Like I said, these fantasies have become more frequent over the years, I don't find them a problem as I do get aroused by them and I am considering exploring them.

What I also want to know is the experience of others in these matters, if anyone had gay fantasies and did they do something about it. And if so, what did it lead to, was it just bi-curiosity? or did it became more? I want to know what I should do about it.

I should add that when I was a teenager, I did kiss another male and I did find it a turn on but I was still attracted to females. I am just so confused these days.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (16 September 2019):

Phil052 agony auntThere is nothing wrong with you, our sexuality can be mixed and complicated, and you are bi curious, as many men are! It's up to you whether you act on it, there are wesites out there for gay and bi sexual/bi curious guys, where you can talk to like minded people!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (16 September 2019):

chigirl agony auntSexuality in humans isnt set in stone. A lot of people like that there are definitive labels, but the truth is sexuality is more flexible. It changes. And humans are curious animals. Wanting to experiment doesnt make you gay or bisexual, it just means you are open minded and curious. It is also fully possible to for example only like women, but then meet someone special who is a man and who attracts you. Even if you never like any other men. Because humans are attracted to more than genitalia. It might even be that while you are curious about the penis, you come to find that you are put off by everything else by a man, and then lose the interest. Fantasy and reality are two quite different things.

Basically, the only way to know what you like is to experiment. I know some people who liked to call it «bicurious». Im not a fan of labels, and its not a sexuality, but it is a fitting description. Lots of people are curious, just like you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntFantasies are not always "reality". You might fantasize about this UP until you actually try to make it happen. That is the thing about fantasies, you are in PERFECT control over the whole scenario, reality... is a whole other matter.

But the fact that you have "gay" fantasies make you gay or bi, you ask?

I'd say probably bi-curious, at least. Though generally, I'd say "bi" people are interested romantically in BOTH sexes, not just some specific body-part. You mention it yourself that the "male is almost irrelevent as the focus is the penis." So I'm not sure if it's just a fantasy you are "stuck" on or if you ARE actually bi. I would venture a guess that you are probably not gay, because you only seem to focus on the penis. Can also be that you have "conditioned" yourself to certain fantasies/images for arousal.

I don't know what it is with people today and wanting a LABEL for their sexuality like it's a badge of honor. So what that you may be bi/bi-curious?

If you are single, now is the time to explore. JUST USE common sense and protection. You might discover that the man attached to "the penis" is more important than you think.

If you are NOT single, well... maybe you need to create some NEW fantasies that involve your partner and cut down on the gay porn.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

Let me say first, that I am a hetero male. That said, your post sounds like you are a virgin. If that is true, then every fantasy and or crush would be only curiosity, regardless of which gender that you are thinking about. It does sound to me that you could be said to be bi curious. If you have been sexually active with women, you would also be bi curious, due to persistant penis fantasies. In reality though, it is possible to have fantasies and even strong desires, only to find out when acted upon, that you detest that particular act which you participated in. My suggestion would be that you seek professional counseling with someone who works in the field of human sexuality. I shall say a prayer for you, in hopes of a positive outcome, for you!

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