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What should I tell the girl I'm seeing about my separation/ soon-to-be divorce?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 October 2019)
A male Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi

Seeking advice.

I have been separated from my ex wife for 12 m months now and have just applied for a divorce with the court hearing to be taken place in November.

I have met someone, whom I really like and see it going somewhere.

We have been on three dates and at this stage have only kissed.

I am going to tell her about my situation however how should I go about it. Should I just tell her I'm divorced and avoid the whole explanation about still only separated awaiting to be divorced. When should I tell her ?

How should I tell her ? She's quite conservative and only 26 and no doubt has not encountered this before.

Really don't want her to go. Like this girl alot

Thanks In advance.

View related questions: divorce, ex-wife, my ex

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A female reader, DazedAndConfuzed United States +, writes (3 October 2019):

Trust me tell her as soon as you can. I made the mistake of not being upront about everything with a guy i fell in love with and it completely changed him. I dont even know who this person is anymore. So dont make it worst, just try meet up with her and lay it on the line not through a text. If it ends it ends you're doing the right thing bud nothing good can come of it if you dont anyways. Dont wait too late best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2019):

If you're worried that she's so conservative that she won't want to date you if you're married/divorced, don't you think that it's probalby not going to work out either way. Now you're the guy who was in the middle of a divorce who pretended not to be. You have got to tell her now. If you think she wouldn't be with you if she knew, then you're tricking her into dating you AND you're just prolonging the inevitable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

Yes. Tell her as soon as possible. The longer you leave it the worse it will look to her. I don't understand why you didn't tell her straightaway. I'm guessing you've both given each other your back stories when you first met? You should have told her then really. But don't delay it any longer.

Don't be surprised though if she gets really suspicious of you, even if you explain that you are separated and in the process of getting divorced. Honesty and trust is key in every relationship and sadly you've already given her a reason not to trust you by not telling her this very significant information.

Hopefully she will be OK about it but I wouldn't expect an easy ride.

But regardless, just make sure you tell her.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou've been on 3 dates and kissed but not mentioned that you are still married? What did you talk about? Surely that should have been one of the first things you asked each other?

I think you need to make your status known to her as soon as possible, i.e. the next time you talk. Perhaps lead into it by saying "I don't want to upset you but I have omitted to mention something I should have mentioned right at the beginning . . . " Stress that you are filing for divorce, that you have been separated for 12 months, etc.

Hopefully she will not hold this against you but you may have to do some apologizing and explaining as to WHY you chose to withhold this information from her. If it does all fall apart, learn a lesson and be completely honest and up-front going forward.

And another thing, take thing slowly with this lady. You have only been on three dates. That is WAY TOO SOON to be talking about long term.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2019):

You should tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, just as if you were in a court of law! Also you should have done that right upfront, just as Wise Owl has suggested! You lied to this girl by omission, because you know that as a conservative young lady, that she would have turned down your advances! Even though she may give you the gate, when you tell her the whole truth, you still do owe her the whole truth, right now! You see OP, you now may lose her altogether now, even her friendship, because you have shown her that you are a man of questionable character! Do the right thing and learn from this, that lying does catch up to us, sooner or later!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2019):

If you want to be trusted, you'll tell her the full truth. Immediately!

It's too soon for your feelings to be certain anyway. You don't know how much of what you're feeling for her are rebound-feelings, or just a flash in the pan. You've only been "separated" for 12 months; and still have to go through the legal divorce-proceedings. That's going to be a highly-emotional, and sometimes very toxic, experience.

She deserved to know from the very first date that you're technically still married. You're starting-off on the wrong foot; when you protect yourself through deception, or by withholding the truth.

Let a woman establish her feelings for you based on what's real, not what you mislead her to believe!!!

Don't wait until you're certain you've captured her feelings to know you've gotten an unfair advantage. That truly defines the kind of man you are; and might tip her off why the ex-wife is the one who figured you out first, and has good reason to leave you!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntBe honest.

You are STILL married, but in the PROCESS of getting the divorce finalized. YOU won't be "single" until the INK is dry on your divorce papers.

SO no DO NOT lie to the new girl and SAY you are divorced when you are not.

Tell her what's going on. If she can't handle that... well, that is on her.

PERSONALLY, I think it "dumb" to start dating when you are still married. Separated or not. But since you have met someone AT least have the decency to BE honest with her so SHE can decide to move forward with you (and all your baggage) or not.

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