A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have a mutual friend who is really slim, pretty and fun. I've known her all my life and my boyfriend met her through high school. Last week I was in an awful mood and all I wanted was for him to come and see me so I text him and he said he was out so I said It didn't matter then, then I later found out he was out with our mutual friend who lives over the road from me, so he could have come and seen me as he would have had to go back to hers to get his car. Also, last night we were in bed and he was on the phone to his friend (our mutual friends ex boyfriend) and they were talking about sex, his friend on the phone suggested our mutual friend should join us and we should have a foursome, to which my boyfriend said "Yes!! Defo getting her involved in this!" I shook my head as I thought it was a typical lad thing, then my boyfriend said "we can swap half way through mate!" meaning he wanted to 'do' her instead. This made me feel like crap. I'm nowhere near as pretty, slim or funny as her, I feel like there's competition and I'll never be good enough for my boyfriend. What should I do?
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (14 October 2013):
Looks are subjective... It's difficult to say you're nowhere near as pretty as her, because you could just be a different type of pretty. Or your self esteem is low and you don't have an accurate idea of what you really look like.
In the end, being prettier than everyone else is impossible and you are more important than your looks.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 October 2013):
 So.... you get to feel like "crap".... and HE gets to spend time with this hottie, who is a mutual acquaintance...
WHY would you put up with this for more than a few minutes??????
Dump "boyfriend" ..... and find one who really likes you...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 "This made me feel like crap. I'm nowhere near as pretty, slim or funny as her, I feel like there's competition and I'll never be good enough for my boyfriend. "
This boils down to two different things. 1. You are insecure and YOU are the one comparing yourself to your friend, and YOU are the one who is telling yourself you are second best and not so pretty. 2. Your boyfriend is an absolute idiot, and I wonder why you are with him if he is so prepared to "swap" you for someone else. It doesn't matter who else, but the fact that it is your friend makes it so much worse. However, her looks are irrelevant here, because he's be just as much of an idiot if your friend was butt ugly. His actions are still lousy.
As for the visiting you part, though. You never told him you wanted him to come over because you felt bad, did you? You probably just asked him to come over, without telling him why you needed him to be there, or stressing the importance of it. He can't read your mind. You need to be more direct and actually tell him it is important to you. Otherwise how is he to know? Men really cannot read our minds.
As for the sex swap thing, that's below the belt. Have a serious talk about boundaries, and especially when they come to your friend, because he's crossed the line with her. Her looks are irrelevant, he's crossed the line saying he wants to have sex with her. If it was my boyfriend, I'd put down restrictions on how much he gets to see her, and whether or not he gets to see her in private. It's no longer a platonic relationship once he's shown sexual interest. Ergo, the friendship must end/be restricted.
My boyfriend had two girls who where clingy'/flirty with him, but I put my foot down. He was given a chance to put an end to it himself, but when that couldn't be done I told him very clearly that I didn't want him to be alone with these girls, and preferably not hang out with them at all, because they couldn't respect our relationship and they didn't know where the line went.
In your case it is your boyfriend who doesn't know where the line goes, and you need to tell him exactly where the line is... People have different boundaries, and the only way you can be happy is if you compromise and adapt so that your line and his line is the same. Your line was crossed when he said he wanted sex with her (and to be honest, that's crossing the line for the majority of people). Just tell him, and then agree on it not happening again. Don't demand it, be clever about it, but come to an agreement on where the line is.
As for your insecurities.. well, that demands a lot of work on your part, and maybe your boyfriend isn't the right man for you if all he does is feed your insecurities.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 October 2013):
 I meant to say in the third sentence from the end that being slim and pretty DOES NOT make someone better than someone else.
So passionate about your plight I typo'd :)
Love AB x
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (13 October 2013):
Stop thinking less of yourself just because you perceive someone to prettier, thinner or funnier than you.
Respect yourself and appreciate who you are.
Sorry but janniepeg is right, you really need to look at your choice of boyfriend.
I'm not the jealous type so I wouldn't have issues about my guy spending time with a female friend but I would be unhappy if he knew I had a problem and I needed him and he blew me off for something less important.
I would, however, be furious if we were in bed and he was chatting to a mate, not just about sex but us having a foursome and swapping me for someone else halfway through!
No woman is a commodity and should not be treated like one.
Even just talking that way about you is totally disrespectful. Also if this slim, pretty friend is so fabulous why is this boyfriend her EX and it speaks volumes that he is, yet she still has sex with him and other men!
She may be pretty but she has no class!
What amazes me is that you're worried that you'll never be good enough for him! EXCUSE ME?
You said that that comment made you feel like crap and I'm not surprised. How come you still care about whether you'll ever be good enough?
Being slim and pretty does make someone better than someone else!
Please have some self respect, this guy is treating you badly and you need to seriously rethink this relationship!
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2013):
 I question these guys' value because they look at women as meat to be shared, passed along and enjoyed. You shouldn't feel lesser than the thin girl. Maybe his friend wants you the way your boyfriend wants the other girl. It has nothing to do with who's better. It's something new and a change. If that girl is so pretty, slim and funny why would her boyfriend ask for a foursome as if she is not enough for him?
I am surprised you sound like you will just go ahead with it even though you don't like this idea. Your boyfriend just knows that you will agree to this and didn't have to ask for your input. At the end you still have that awful mood that's not taken care of, because obviously his thin girl fantasy is more important.
You should look at your choice of boyfriends. If you are insecure you shouldn't be doing foursomes, let alone being with a boyfriend who causes this insecurity.
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