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How do I approach him about the question he wants to ask me?

Tagged as: Crushes, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 January 2022) 14 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *ouLouW writes:

Hey everyone, I need some help, this might be a long one sorry! So I’ve met this boy online (Tinder) probably about 6/7 weeks ago now / Start of November last year. We have been talking every single day since then. He’s stayed at mine multiple times and we seem to get on really well. We have slept together as he doesn’t seem to be after JUST sex off me, based on the vibes I’m getting.

About 2 weeks into us talking he said he didn’t want to rush things, I respected his decision as everyone moves at a different pace. I know he’s spoken to family about me saying he is ‘seeing someone’ so they are aware of me.

A few days back, he was on a night out and had a few drinks, I hadn’t seen him for about 10 days or so, he had Covid and I went back home for Christmas with my family. He sent a few messages, but one saying: he missed me, wants to see me as soon as I’m back and has something to ask me.

It’s played on my mind but I didn’t really know how to approach this with him, as I don’t want to make it awkward and ask in person but then how else do you approach it. Like I said, I do like him and believe he likes me too and isn’t just in this to jump into bed with me.

So my question is really 1. How do I approach the possible question he had/has?

And 2. Do I admit any feelings or leave it a while longer.

Thank you so much in advance!

View related questions: christmas

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2022):

That's wonderful! Be careful about the L-word. People use it too soon, and toss it about too casually. Love is better demonstrated than just spoken. Anybody can say it, but only their actions will prove they mean it. Take it day by day!

God bless you, sweetheart!

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A female reader, LouLouW United Kingdom +, writes (14 February 2022):

LouLouW is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update for those who are interested - we are now together ‘official’ boyfriend and girlfriend, I’m so happy so thank you for all your advice :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 February 2022):

Honeypie agony auntCongrats OP!

best of luck for the future!

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A female reader, LouLouW United Kingdom +, writes (13 February 2022):

LouLouW is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update for those who are interested - we are now together ‘official’ boyfriend and girlfriend, I’m so happy so thank you for all your advice :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022):

You are acting like any other foolish girl who gives it up way too early. Sorry hun but you gave all your power and leverage away to this guy you hardy know the minute you spread your legs. WTF? WHY do young women spread their legs so easily these days?????? It puts this guy in the driver's seat. Wanna know why? Because he has you waiting for his next move and thinking about him constantly. Pining away. Writing Dear Cupid. Girls get attached after sex. And guys, well, they don't. If I were you, I would not be placing all my eggs in one guy's basket. He sounds like he is just playing around. Why the heck was he on Tinder? To find a wife? A serious relationship? Stop being naive! Grow up hun! You just wait and see. He will use you. And you will let him. You gave it up way too early and now he is calling all the shots while you salivate at his every word or action! Pretty darned sad!!! Don't think for a minute he is not talking to other girls on Tinder while he gives you bullshit excuses! He is playing you! Next time stay off Tinder and have more respect for yourself! Make a guy WORK FOR IT!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2022):

Here's a little more advice I'd like to add; because it's a very common complaint that female-posters often submit to DC. They get led-on by suggestions he's getting attached; and some guys use subtle trickery to keep sex available.

Here's an example of what I mean:

"This evening he has sent me a message about where we’re up to and things, saying he isn’t talking to anyone else and doesn’t have the interest, wants to take this slow because he doesn’t want to rush it and ‘ruin’ ***a possible relationship,*** saying he’s happy ‘with’ me and ***loves*** spending time with me.(Note the words with asterisks!)

"...a possible relationship," This remark is only an insinuation, or an implication, of what could possibly happen; but has not actually occurred. What I'll call "heart-bait!" A subliminal-message to trigger a subconscious-response.

Your brain will lock onto the words "relationship" and "loves;" and you will subconsciously believe you are actually in a relationship; hence, you will continue offering him sex. A play on words, i.e. "I love you" vs "I *love* being with *you.*" Wordplay is how players get women stuck. Fixate on the fact he wants to "take it slow;" and your mind won't take your budding connection further, or more seriously, than it actually is at this point.

"Take it slow" is also a built-in safeguard or cautionary phrase; so he has a disclaimer in-place, if or when he decides he wants out. If you get attached too quickly, and he decides he's not that into you; he can always say, "that's why I told you to take it slow." Sex is not what seals the deal, it's a benefit. It's often misused as bait, or an incentive; but that's how you play yourself. He can get sex anywhere, and any time. He's on Tinder.

Wishful-thinking has a way of making us see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear, and believe more than we have evidence to confirm. Pace your feelings, and don't let those words I've mentioned get you thinking too far ahead of where things are at this time.

I hope things will go as you hope. I wish you the best, sweetheart. I'd give this same advice to my own sister, or a daughter, as I've said.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (4 January 2022):

kenny agony auntHe may be genuine, but in my opinion i would air on the side of caution. You met him on Tinder, and to be honest you really don't know that much about him at all.

I would not try to go against the grain, infact it would be best if you just sat back, let things materialise easy and effortlessly, just go with the flow and see what transpires.

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A female reader, LouLouW United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2022):

LouLouW is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey this is an update! I think I didn’t word it right but we’ve been seeing each other 2/3 sometimes 4 times a week since meeting originally, going for food and things and spent time over the festive period together. I haven’t been to his house as he lives with family and shared a room with his twin brother, whereas I live alone and live away from my family due to work, so just for space and until things get serious we would automatically go to mine instead. This evening he has sent me a message about where we’re up to and things, saying he isn’t talking to anyone else and doesn’t have the interest, wants to take this slow because he doesn’t want to rush it and ‘ruin’ a possible relationship, saying he’s happy ‘with’ me and loves spending time with me. I’m really appreciative of your advice and as most of you have said, taking it slow is the best option and enjoying what is happening now and not trying to rush things too much. Thank you all for the advice!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022):

It boggles my mind this guy just left you hanging. You met him on Tinder? Oh, alrighty then!!! You've already had sex, and it's been just a little over a month. You've only had a few "in-person" encounters over these past few weeks.

I'd be terribly suspicious if he drops the love-bomb on you, or showers you in a lot of sweettalk.

I think you need to date some more, before you hitch your wagon to this pony. Don't take anything serious said under the influence of alcohol or drugs. People get high and sentimental, and say all sorts of sweet and sappy things.

Don't ask him anything. Don't be anxious, give him plenty of room. Let him think it over carefully; so whatever he says, isn't just off the top of his head, or based on good-sex. First and foremost, make sure he is stone-cold sober; because he might forget whatever he tells you. If you have to remind him of what he said, he didn't mean it.

Here's the advice I'd give you if you were my kid-sister, or my daughter. Put a lid on your honeypot, and date the guy four or five more times without sex. Just some good making-out. If he suddenly grows distant when you put a lid on it; it's all about your honey, girlfriend! As soon as a fresh honeycomb comes along, he'll buzz-off.

A guy can hate a woman but love her honey; or you could just love her honey, and feel indifferent about her. It won't be "playing hard to get" when you hold it back for awhile; that's foolishness from the olden days. In fact, play no games ever!!! It's testing to see if it's you, or your honey he's so crazy about. Just a suggestion, I don't think you'll consider this advice; but there are other readers who might.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2022):

What people say when they are drunk often gets forgotten later. You pushing for it will make him forget it too, it comes across as desperate. If he wants to remember it and bring it up that is his choice, if and when.

This is not even a real relationship yet, you've been very free and easy with your home and your favours. For all you know he is married or got a partner already, or lives in a tatty room. You also seem to forget that when guys are angling to sex off a woman they say what it takes, they tell them they like them or love them or whatever sounds good at the time so that she agrees. Does not mean a thing.

You are silly to put so much store in him. After such a short time it should not be so serious and not be monogomous. He has not made any promises or commitments to you so why only see him?

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (2 January 2022):

Ciar agony auntYep, what they said.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (2 January 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHe's stayed at yours but you haven't even been to his (I assume, as you don't mention it). Why is that? In your shoes, I would be suspicious. You only have his word for it that he has told his family about "seeing someone"

So he messaged you, while drunk, and said he had something to ask you? If he doesn't ask you of his own accord, while SOBER, then it was the drink talking. Let it go. If you push it, you may come across as a bit desperate, especially given that he has said he wants to take things slowly.

You've known each other only a matter of weeks. Relax and enjoy what you have. You know very little about him - only what he wants you to know - so it goes without saying that you should be extra careful about contraception.

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you both.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (2 January 2022):

You're overthinking, just approach the situation honestly, and don't play any games.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 January 2022):

Honeypie agony auntJust let it take its natural cause.

When you get back and you both are testing negative for Covid then meet up and talk.

I'd hold back on asking him what question he has, LET him ask when HE is ready.

You want to know NOW. I get that but he might not BE ready. If he misses you then it's probably something good and not to "dump" you.

I'd say let him take the lead. Don't try and hurry him along.

Also when you two pick up where you left off, make DARNED sure you use birth control & condom (preferably) and that you are BOTH tested for STI's.

Just slow you roll.

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