A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been dating someone from online for 1.5 months. Yesterday (after a few drinks on his end) he asked me why I like him. I thought that was an awkward question to answer and that it was weird he insisted to know. But then he said “I can’t tell what you’re thinking. I feel like I share a lot more with you than you do with me… And I think you know it too.” And he was right. He shares everything with me and I’ve even met several of his friends and colleagues. He hasn’t met mine yet as I personally feel like those steps are reserve for a “boyfriend”—and we’re newly dating. I also tend to be a private person and don’t volunteer info (which I had told him before) but I’m working on that. Anyway, we started talking about relationship titles and I shared that MY definition of “exclusive dating” is dating only one person but without the commitment. So to me, the title of “exclusive dating” is meaningless and there is only dating around without commitment, or dating one person WITH commitment, aka being official BF/GF. He said that to him, exclusive dating and BF/GF title should go hand in hand, so we have the same viewpoint. Later when asked, he said he does not ASK someone to be his GF because he believes actions speak louder than words. This raised a yellow flag with me because many people use “I’m not into labels” as an excuse to not commit. I told him that for ME, establishing a title establishes boundaries, therefore it is necessary for me. However to him, a title and boundaries do not go hand in hand. Some background – He was in the military for 15 years and his long term GF cheated on him, and he also saw his friends get cheated on by their GFs and wives time and time again. So I get him. Not establishing a title is not a deal breaker for me because I believe actions speak louder than words. He is VERY good to me and acts like a boyfriend. But I feel like the line is very blurry especially since we met online. I have not checked his profile to see if he has been online. I make a point not to, before things are official, because it is fair game and only causes me to worry and over think. Obviously when things are official, both parties will take down their profile. I asked him – If there is no title, when is it no longer acceptable to see or talk to other people (such as online)? He said “That’s a good question… I believe that when the time is right and things become serious, both parties will make the decision for themselves to only date one another rather than asking one another to take the profiles down.” I also asked – How would you introduce your girl to your parents? He said “If I introduce a girl to my parents then she is my girlfriend.” (In other words he would not introduce if only dating). In case it’s relevant, he introduces me by name to his friends, and his friends introduce me to other people as “his girl.” One friend asked me “where is your boyfriend?” yesterday when he went to the restroom. I think I covered the more important aspects of our conversation. My question is – Is a title necessary to you and why? Do his words raise a red flag? I believe actions speak louder than words and he ACTS like a boyfriend and treats me with high care and respect. However… I do not know if he is still browsing online and I believe it’s too early to discuss this with him. However I don’t want things to get serious and three months down the line, I see he is online… And he can possibly say we were not official to begin with. Thoughts? Does anyone think he does not want a title yet is saying what I want to hear to keep me around? Thank you.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (17 May 2016):
 A few red and yellow flags here.
For one thing I think this guy is moving way too quickly. A month and a half in and he already 'shares everything' with you. He expects you to do the same and has brought that imbalance to your attention.
For another, he has a deep resentment toward women. Make no mistake, OP, this rubbish about he and all his friends being cheated on by wives and girlfriends 'time and time again' is his tactful way of saying 'women are bitches and whores'. Would you be so quick to believe someone who told you that they and all of their friends had been mugged and badly beaten by black men 'time and time again'? Or a woman who told you that she and all of her friends had been savagely raped and battered by their ex husbands and boyfriends 'time and time again'? It's a bit far fetched to me. What he's given you is his excuse for having serious issues with women.
Moving on...titles and labels exist to communicate expectations. Imagine a world without them: POISON, HIGH VOLTAGE, AMBULANCE, BANK, ENTER. If you break your ankle you ask for a DOCTOR - someone with a title, a label. You don't just flag down passersby, point to your leg and hope for the best.
His nonsense 'both parties will make the decision for themselves...' is every bit the cop out that 'I'm not into labels' is. And frankly it also reeks of 'if you loved me you'd know'. People who have great relationships have them because they COMMUNICATE. Labels and titles communicate to everyone what you expect of each other and how others must relate to you.
I don't know that he's a player or a cheater, but I suspect that would be the least of your worries with him. Issues with women, trust issues, in the military (male dominated/authority driven), vague about expectations = CONTROLLING and potentially abusive.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 I think you aren't seeing the forest here because you are obsessing over the trees. You need to take a step back and look at the BIG picture.
Why are you focusing on labels and whether or not he wants labels... You are just dating, you barely know him, and he doesn't know you! Are you ready to be in a committed relationship and introduce him to friends and family as your "boyfriend"?
I think not, or else you would have asked him to come meet your friends and family. This entire "waiting for the label" thing is an excuse you give yourself so that YOU do not have to commit.
What, does a man need to propose in order for you to take the relationship seriously? So why can't you just date WITHOUT adding the seriousness of "committed relationship" and labels?
He wants to date you. That is what he is saying. And when the time feels right (which isn't right now, obviously) then a relationship will form itself. This is how things naturally happen, really. It's not a red or yellow flag in any form or sense. If you had been dating him for 6 months and he was saying this, then sure it's a red flag that he doesn't want to commit. But YOU don't want to commit either at this point, so stop pointing fingers. You're in the same boat as him.
Open up and commit yourself, before expecting him to. No wonder he doesn't want to lock this down and make it official and go through the whole formal process that this is in todays society, with big announcements on facebook and all. He doesn't know you! You admit yourself you haven't let him in or told him much about you, so what do you expect....?
Titles, for now, are completely irrelevant.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 May 2016):
 This isn't about titles. This is about baggage. You brought some heavy baggage into this, and he brought baggage into this.
You just started dating, and you both would choose to sabotage it because of things that happened in your past. That's quite literally like someone who has stubbed their toe and chooses to avoid stubbing their toe by cutting it off.
Don't worry about labels for now. He has to get to know you, and you have to get to know him. I get privacy, but you can't withhold and expect a relationship to remain on a healthy track. But he can't get impatient because of the past either.
A month and a half is too soon for the labels. Re-evaluate at the 3 month mark if you're still interested in him.
And, it goes without saying, that if you're sleeping together, it better damn well be monogamous, unless the label you've chosen is FWB. You can't start shying from commitment conversation once sex is in play.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): I never understood the emphasis on the commitment of becoming an official couple, its not like getting married. You can break up anytime, it just makes it crystal clear to both parties about the exclusivity etc. As soon as a man I'm dating tells me I like you lets not date other people now, or I say and we agree, that's all that needs to be said as far as Im concerned.Meeting the parents is something Id reserve until I was sure the boyf was a bit more permanent, equally deleting the profile etc but to me if you are exclusively dating you are a couple are you not? Until someone says I want to break up/I don't want to date you anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): Put the psychobabble aside. You have been dating 6 weeks come on. If he cant decide if you are girlfriend boyfriend maybe its time to "Consciously uncouple." Who needs all this drama. Are we exclusive? Yes or no are the options.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Exclusive dating is not meaningless because you are working towards a commitment, while not at that stage yet. My opinion is that you can only work towards that goal when you concentrate on one person. He asked you what you like about him to determine if the relationship would work out, and rather you like him enough to stick through thick and thin. So it's important that he knows.
I think he has the same worries about you, not knowing if you are serious too. The intellectual debate on this general topic doesn't really show how you feel towards each other. It's more like a play on words and it may even feel like a pressure to make it official sooner before it's the natural next step.
When you get vulnerable and trust a person, you either open up to a great future or you get fooled and deceived at the end. But when you guard yourself and wait for the guy to make it serious, nothing may ever happen because dating takes two to make it work. He needs your input to make a decision.
The outcome of the relationship does not depend on his words and action alone. I do give him credit for emphasizing the importance of actions over words. I would suggest you to focus more on your feelings than on the technicalities, the terms. Rules are sometimes made to be broken and they do not protect you from getting hurt because people get around them. People who spend a lot of money on weddings and publicity are not immune to divorce years later. Feelings, trust and mutual effort are more valid than terms that you rigidly put into boxes.
It's totally normal that you are questioning about your direction at 1.5 months. I do not see what he's saying as a red flag. I even suspect that deep down you believe in the same things, but got a bit defensive when challenged.
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