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Girlfriend hangs out with male friend and and don’t tell me

Tagged as: Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 7 October 2019)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend soon to be finance chills with my best friend but i didn’t know about it . We broke up for like 2 days then she goes drunk and she tells me her sister went with her but i can’t ask her sister about it because her sister will lie for her . And i find out by using my best friend phone sees the messages between them . She says thank you for being there for me when no one else was there for me . And she says you don’t have to respond thank you i needed that idk what that could’ve met . And she says she didn’t do nothing with him but idk to believe it or not she drove to see him at like 3am in the morning and he calls to look for me but she’s answered and ask for him to roll her up on weed . he does . Then when he knows i know he denies it and when he talking to her bout it he just kept saying i chilled with you as if they had sex . And he didn’t wanna expose her . Then she i ask her again she tell me more of the story . That happen she says they chilled and smoke and her sister was in the car the whole time but idk to believe it this is not the first time she was about to cheat on me . Idk what to do

View related questions: best friend, broke up, drunk

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (7 October 2019):

Dionee' agony auntYou seem to be kind of obsessed with catching them or her out when the details don't even matter. You're on a rant about how you basically don't trust her and that's the main issue. You could very well marry this girl knowing that you'd probably spend the rest of your life trying to decode texts and listen in on conversations while trying study her body language all in an attempt to catch her out in some lie. You don't trust her, and trust is important in a relationship/marriage. If you feel as though you're wasting your time here, you need to up and leave while you still have the chance because once there is as heavy a commitment as marriage, it takes a lot more time and effort to end things. I say, walk away if things are this messy now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019):

typo correction:

" If she comes to him, he should let her know that he has to let you know as a gesture of good-faith."

"If she has any intention of regaining your trust; she should not seek comfort from other guys for any reason."

*This is how cheating starts!

"It's better to breakup with her, than forever hold it over her head, acting like a jealous-fool over it."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

My young friend, thoughts of marriage should be quite a few years off down-the-road!

A good and trustworthy-friend should remain neutral when you and your girlfriend are having a disagreement. She shouldn't be turning to your best-friend for anything without your knowledge. There is no amount of explanation that won't make that look shady. If the situation was in reverse, she'd probably have a hissy-fit!

Delay any thoughts of marriage...that means to anybody!

I think you should speak one-on-one with your bro, and reestablish the bro-code. If your girlfriend needs comfort of any sort, that's your job. If she comes to him, he should let her know that he has to let you know as gesture of good-faith. He should not get involved in your disagreements with your lady; and you should never gang-up on her using your buddy.

Don't ask her sister anything, because she will likely be forced to protect her sister. It's none of her business. That will strain your relationship with her as well, when she really has nothing to do with your relationship.

Now about girlfriend rolling-up to your bro's place at 3 am.

That's disrespectful on all levels. Even if nothing sexual transpired, your trust is now damaged. Not only for her, but your best-friend as well. Now you don't know who to trust.

Girlfriends who snuggle-up to your best-friend after a disagreement are doing it in spite. It's not his place to comfort her, give her drugs (which will impair her judgement), and she shouldn't be alone with any other guy at 3 am in the morning! In-fact, everyone should be at home. There's always the lame "blame it on the alcohol" excuse, or "one thing led to another." It all boils-down to being spiteful and vindictiveness. It all goes under the heading of "disrespectful;" and it is a major betrayal of trust.

If you choose to remain with her, you have to tell her you can't help but suspect something happened under the circumstances. You resent the fact she put such a wedge between you and your buddy. It speaks really badly on her part. If she has any attention of regaining your trust; she should not seek comfort from other guys for any reason. With the exclusion of help incase of an emergency; when she was unable to reach you, or her family, after several attempts! 911 might be even better, if she feels she's in danger!

If she needs the comfort of a man, make up with you; so you can move forward. Right-now, be clear with her that she has severely broken your trust. Clearly establish at this point, that if she takes the relationship seriously, she has to earn it back. Also give this all some serious thought. It's better to breakup with her, than forever hold it over head, acting like a jealous-fool over it.

She can't turn-back time!

If I were in your shoes, I'd forgive her. I would distance myself from my bro for a spell; and I would contemplate breaking-up with her. Don't do stupid time-outs and taking breaks. Man-up and talk about your problems. Cool your hothead to compromise before taking breaks. During breaks, either of you will use the time to cheat. It's typical of your age-group! Cheating psychologically or physically, whichever is the most feasible at the time. Using your partner's friends as weapons of vengeance, or co-conspirators, to carry-out your spite or scorn...that's treachery!

I know the fear about breaking-up is that they'll turn to each other. If that means they were going on behind your back all along. It also means you ducked a bullet and she was the wrong girl to marry!

Girlfriends who go for your bro behind your back can't be trusted. They are usually trouble-makers. Marriage to this young lady is out of the question. I think you might be a little in over your head. Dial-back some of that over-zealous love. You may be more into her, than she is into you! You're both way too young to be serious, and these kind of issues come-up out of nowhere!

Let this incident be a lesson to you! Weed shouldn't even be in the picture. Not if you're a straight-up dude with real goals and lofty plans in life. It'll make you lazy and kill your ambition. If you make weed-runs at 3am, you don't have any lofty ambitions in life!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (30 September 2019):

N91 agony auntYou obviously don’t trust her so why are you thinking about getting married?

What a waste of time

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

First do not propose who you do not trust. You are kind of young to be engaged anyway. Even if you spoke to your gfs sister, it would not help. She sat in the car, if she was there at all. Hormones doing what hormones do and affecting young people, such as your gf and best friend, a 3am visit sounds an awful lot like a booty call, to me! Add in the feel good lowered inhabitions of pot smoking and I would believe that they had sex. You do not elaborate, but say she tried to cheat before. Why are you even still with this girl? If that dude was truly your best friend, he would have shut her down, sent her away, and warned you of what she was trying to pull, on you, at 3am! Normal people sleep at 3am bro, not visit and smoke dope. Wise up friend! There are loyal girls out there, who do not do this nonsense. Cut your losses now, and let her go. Him too!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntBottom line: do you trust her? If not, then cut your losses and move on. You cannot build a lasting relationships without trust.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe you should hold off on proposing?

At least until this is sorted out. Or until YOU decide whether or not you want to be with someone you obviously don't trust.

And what about your friend? Why hasn't HE told you, if it's all so innocent?

You all sound a bit young for all this drama and driving around at 3 am to smoke dope. And definitely a bit too young for thinking about marriage. Seriously.

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