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Does he like me more than he is letting on?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends with Benefits<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2019) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 September 2019)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I was hooking up with this guy for 5 months literally every weekend. Met his family, his closest friends, stayed over every weekend, etc. I fell pretty hard and told him I wanted more and thought a relationship was worth exploring. His response was that he wasn't looking for anything serious and that I deserve better, and to look for someone that could give me what I was looking for. Told me he wanted to focus on work and school, which seems to be true, since he is finishing up his program and recently started a new job. He was really respectful and nice about it so we left it at that.

Fast forward, we haven't talked for a month but I admit I had been trying to bait him on social media. I didn't expect him to message me because of how he ended it with me to begin with (how do you come back from telling me all that?) and I was not going to message him first.. needless to say, he did message me first and we saw each other a few times since then.

The thing is, he's incredibly attractive and I know he is active on Tinder and the such. I know he has other options for sex and this is a messy situation (I mean, I caught feelings) so I am surprised he even reached back out to me. Not to get my hopes up too much, but he definitely has other options, so why me? Like, I imagine it wasn't easy to message me after the whole "you deserve better" speech. It might be that I am convenient and familiar, but I would think that my wanting more and liking him too much would counteract that.

What are your thoughts on it? Does he like me more than he is letting on?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

There are a couple of things you have to grapple with here. Your sense of entitlement demands that you have what you want. Your pride/ego says you can't accept his rejection.

When facing such an ordeal, we (yeah, "we"...been there, done that!) tend to shutdown our sense of reason and turnoff our common-sense. Your subconscious-mind is working under the premise that you've already invested a lot of your time, and given yourself intimately. Dismissing the primary-rule of friends with benefits; that being..."no strings attached!"

The heart never recognizes rules or restrictions of any kind. It can be terribly foolish and selfish! Refusing to listen to our better-judgement!

You forgot, it's casual! With the understanding that everyone will keep their feelings in-check, and the sex is purely "recreational."

You offered your body in exchange for his pleasure. Not always an even or fair-exchange; because catching-feelings is always the likely side-effect. Infatuation occurs in almost every case. Thus the biblical saying: "don't cast your pearls before swine!"

Sharing intimacy and affection over the course of years registers in your mind as time-served, and making an investment; and therefore, should count towards being in some kind of relationship. However, how he defines the connection is different from how you define it. He was never serious, he is not in-love, and now here we are. It is futile to continue down this path!

You can't redeem a coupon, or cash-out a dividend; because he has dispelled all misconceptions and misunderstanding. There was always a disclaimer clause, you just chose to ignore it. It wasn't in writing, but it was inferred by mutual-agreement.

I too received the "you deserve better speech!" Ain't it a kick in the gut???

It wasn't even a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I had an expiration-date. Only, it was unbeknownst to me!!! He wanted a full-blown relationship, to be exclusive, and with all the trimmings. Only, he wanted it "short-term." I wasn't forewarned; instead, I was blindsided! I'm well over it! Came to DC to bare my soul, vent my feelings, and to help others in the same boat! I chronicled my progress!

You're clinging-on in desperation. Looking for any reason to keep holding-on to this guy. Your pride can't accept being rejected; but you compromised your well-being by being careless with your feelings. Using your body and beauty to manipulate or bait someone into a relationship. Feelings didn't just develop, they were always there. You hoped he would come-around. Now you are insulted by the unmitigated gall that he used you; and your subconscious can't let-go, until he changes his mind. You're stuck!

Guys are rarely the ones who catch-feelings in FWBs! Men are better-wired for casual no-strings-attached sex. Women do it, but few succeed over the extended long-term.

Hence women adapt to "faux-marriages." What's that? Long-term relationships as perpetual-girlfriends. Having kids, combining incomes, and incurring long-term debts with boyfriends. Why? Because guys won't get married! So hold-on anyway you can; even if you have to have a kid or two, or three...to keep him! Manipulate him into it somehow! FWBs is just another ineffective tool of manipulation. It backfires!

Women are highly-intuitive creatures, designed by nature to be loving, caring, loyal, and nurturing. Men and women think differently, and we express the very same human-emotions in very different ways. Love has a way of making our differences meld, synchronize, and work in harmony; but only when it is meant to be! That's the key!

Placing your life and feelings on-hold would be wasteful and unfair to yourself. Letting pride and stubbornness overrule your common-sense will only ruin your life and stunt your growth. You would be a slave to infatuation, and miserable! Watching him freely going about his life, and sharing intimacy with other women. Only seeing you as someone to use and objectify. He is right, as my ex was right about me. WE DESERVE BETTER!

I found better. MUCH MUCH BETTER! Now it's your turn! Let-go, sweetheart!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

My Dear, you need to understand that when a man is your friend, that you need to take him at his word! He is your friend, in fact he has been your friend with benefits. You want more with him, but he just wants what you two have already had. He has not lied to you, nor has he changed his mind, nor will he change his mind! You should stop wasting your time and seek a good man who wants to get into a monogamous relationship with you! You are wasting you weekends on a dude who only wants to bang you. Make yourself available on weekends, to meet the man of your dreams. Sorry, but your FWB is not that man, even though you wish he was! If he eventually does get ready to settle down, he will be looking for a girl who has lower milage on her vagina, sorry to say. He will continue to try and hook up for you. He likes you as a friend. He enjoys your company. He enjoys sex with you, but he does not love you. To him, you are not The One. I wish for your sake,OP, that you were the one! I pray you soon find The One!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (29 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, when someone tells you they have nothing more to offer you than what they have done already, you need to LISTEN and ACCEPT it. "You deserve better" is a polite way of saying "You DESERVE more but I am not prepared to give it to you".

This guy should have been a politician. He is very astute. What he has effectively done is what politicians do all the time: give you a "worst case scenario" then, when they offer what they were going to offer all along as a "compromise", the people are so grateful that it is not the "worst case scenario" that they accept without question. Had the politicians made the real offer from the start, nobody would have wanted to know. Can you not see this? He finishes with you (worst case scenario) then offers you exactly what little he offered you before, which was not good enough before but, because you don't want him to finish with you, you are willing to jump at his "offer".

He was right about one thing; you DO deserve better. Believe him when he says he cannot offer you any more than sex, hold your head high and walk away. That's MY advice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

It's ever so simple. If a man likes you and wants to be with you, you WILL know about it. Men don't keep the fact that they like someone a secret from them. When you meet a man that is crazy about you, you will be in no doubt. This is just him, keeping his options open for some casual sex.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 September 2019):

Honeypie agony auntThis is NEVER going to turn into a relationship. THAT is something YOU have to accept.

IF you want to be his F-buddy, be ONE among SEVERAL casual hook up partner, then you NEED to get a hold of your feelings. HE has already told you HE isn't looking for a relationship. What he meant was, HE isn't looking for a relationship WITH you, just someone to fu@k with no commitment. Doesn't mean he hasn't enjoyed you, that he doesn't enjoy KNOWING that YOU actually WANT him more than HE wants you, that you actually care.

WHAT you are doing is wasting your time. You are in your mid-20's the time in your life you have the MOST options for finding a GOOD long term partner. And you are WASTING it on a guy who doesn't WANT you as a partner, just a place to park his penis on the weekend.

He even to you that with this "you deserve better". Because he KNOWS you want more, and HE isn't willing GIVE more TO you. He isn't willing to INVEST in you.

Just because he got back in contact doesn't mean he has changed his mind. It just means he PRESUME you have accepted the terms of a casual f-buddy relationship.

I can almost guarantee that IF you start talking about feelings and relationship, he will tell you, AGAIN, that he isn't interested.

Doesn't mean he won't want to have you around for sex on demand. Along with whomever he picks up on Tindr.

I hope to goodness that you are using condoms AND birth-control and that you will consider getting tested. Him being "attractive" doesn't mean he hasn't slept with women with STD's. And don't forget, you can still get Herpes and HPV while using a condom, are you WILLING to risk your sexual heath on a guy who is only really interested in your vagina?

Be smart. If you want a partner/BF HE isn't it. Why waste time on him?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2019):

"It might be that I am convenient and familiar, but I would think that my wanting more and liking him too much would counteract that."

It is precisely that you are convenient. He already knows you like him. It's easy. He's being very selfish. When you say that you wanting more should deter him, you're assuming he has your best interests at heart and not his own.

If he wanted to be with you, he would tell you that. He would have come to you and said 'I made a terrible mistake and I want to give you more now, can you forgive me.' He hasn't done that. You know the situation.

He's not thinking of your feelings, or how this seems like mixed messages to you. He's thinking, he told you already he wasn't interested in a relationship so if you keep hooking up with him then it's at your own risk.

Please find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You're settling for less.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (29 September 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt My thoughts are that you are trying really hard to put a positive spin on the situation and to have it mean what you want it to mean. In short, wishful thinking.

Now, of course, knowing neither you nor him not what went on exactly between you, I cannot say it's 100% excluded that he does not like you more than he lets on. Never say never. Just it's not very probable, at least surely not based on the reasons you quote.

" He has other options, so why you ?". Because he can. Because people love to have multiple options,particularly if these options cost no effort and no sacrifice. Having 4 pair of shoes is always better than having 3; not that you cannot live happily with just 3 pairs, but if to have a fourth pair at your disposal, all you've got to do is ask, - then why not. He'd be stupid to curb his choices.

And… it wasn't easy to message you after the whole " you deserve better " speech ?... Why ? Try not to be too naive. It was the easiest thing in the world, there was nothing particularly essential for him at stake ! It was easy, first because the whole " you deserve better " was fake, in the sense it was not sincerely , deeply meant, it was the usual , time- honoured cliche' ( like " it's not you, it's me ) that always comes so very handy whenever you want to get rid of somebody with as little fuss and hard feeling as possible .

Second, it was easy because , since he stated very clearly what his boundaries are, and what he wants and does NOT want from you- and you have NOT been told that these boundaries have changed , if nevertheless you accept to go back to him, that means , to him and to most people that you have accepted to play by his rules. He did not change his mind- you changed yours.

Third it was easy because he was not risking anything major; he was playing it rather safe, knowing that you have feelings for him and in a month things can't have changed that much; but ,even if you had rejected him, he was not risking anything major. he was not going to have his heart broken ( judging from how you described your relationship so far ), nor was he risking a sexual famine, since, as you say, he's got plenty of options.

In short, if you want to play by his rules,- by all means do. But I would not hold my breath waiting for him to change the rules for you, or to form / show some real emotional attachment. People who are emotionally attached have no trouble letting go of Tinder.

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