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I cheated on my boyfriend and even though things are going well I am wracked with guilt

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 October 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years.

At the start everything was great, he was a tad jealous and moved quick quick which I said I wasn’t as comfortable with so everything was smooth and going well. As time went on I wanted to see each other more, it would be once a week we met up. I also felt like I was the one wanting more commitment and proof that we were going somewhere but he just seemed to agree and day he wanted a future but there wouldn’t be any proof. It was all let’s go on holiday or just have fun which obv I enjoyed but I just wanted some security this was going somewhere. As time went on about2.5/3 years in I had fears of him being unfaithful, I’m not sure if it was just my anxiety but I found out his friend was cheating on every girlfriend (my boyfriend didn’t tell me) he went out on a night out with friends and a girl who the friends have always joked they had a thing going on was there and in the pictures on Facebook they looked cosy but I wasn’t sure if it was just me overthinking, he told me he’s never cheated then found out later on he revenge cheated when younger, he deletes a lot of messages to save space he says and he deleted messages between him and some girl. So my mind was everywhere and I’d just found out my mum had an illness than I knew she wouldn’t survive. Life was hard and I cheated once. Since then he moved in with me because he was kicked out and my mum passed away. Things between us have now been amazing, totally changed but I am wracked with guilt. It’s so hard and I don’t know what to do?

View related questions: cheated on my boyfriend, facebook, jealous, moved in, on holiday, revenge

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the replies, it really does help! I am not usually an awful person this is the first time Iv ever done something like this & something Iv always been so against. We have both had a really hard time the past while and it has brought us closer together & we have been in a better place. This has just been looming over me & I have been mentally beating myself up because of it. I know I need to deal with this now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019):

Cheating often occurs in conjunction with the death of a close family member or friend, partly because it makes us realise how short life is and makes us wonder: is this all there is? Is this our life forever? Could we be experiencing more? The stress of losing someone can also make us look for an escape, which can be found in the dopamine high of cheating. On top of this, you also suspected your boyfriend was cheating at the time, which probably made you insecure and more susceptible to being swayed by another man. Although I am not condoning cheating, it's easy to see how it might have happened. It was a fairly predictable reaction to your circumstances.

Things are going well now and you have no desire to cheat again. So it's time to move on. Leave the past in the past. You made a mistake, but you have the rest of your life to do better. Code Warrior's message is very harsh; rather than say "sit in your guilt and feel guilty" I think it's more constructive to tell you to forgive yourself. Accept that you did something wrong, but forgive your past self for making that mistake. Feeling bad forever will accomplish absolutely nothing, and will probably ultimately ruin your relationship anyway. Guilt is stagnant and sucks you down like a swamp, but self-forgiveness will help you to start moving forwards. Best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

Honestly it sounds like you had good grounds to be suspicious of your man. He shouldn't be messaging other girls and deleting those msgs.

Nights out should just be with the guys and not other girls there- or why weren't you invited? And from rumour it sounds like a former hookup ... why would these people lie?

You were basically really suspicious and acted out of a fear it seems that he was already cheating anyway. And IMO that is highly possible.

I wouldn't tell him about the one off incident that you had. I would just be really careful bcuz it does sound as if he was fooling around as well.

You should have dealt with it head on at the time though, and confronted him rather than doing this, as I think you know.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate your answer thank you. I wasn’t trying to use what was happening as an excuse I was just trying to say it was a hard time & this is something Iv never done before in my life. I know nothing excuses what I have done.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2019):

You simply need to confess your cheating and apologize for that cheating if you are truly sorry. Do not use your Mom, nor her illness and eventual death as any sort of reason or excuse, for cheating! You must know in your heart, that to do that is just wrong, and your Mother would not be pleased with that. Your boyfriend should not be suspected of cheating, because a friend of his does cheat on girls. You know that to do that is unfair! Be honest with your boyfriend, and be contrite, and tell him that you will not cheat again! Tell him that you did wrong! I pray that he forgives you, but he does have a right to choose whether to stay with you, or to leave you. Also, if he confesses to ever cheating on you, you should also forgive him, knowing that we all make dumb mistakes! Best wishes for you, and for your Happy Future!

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