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Do I tell my wife about my bisexuality?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 June 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 9 June 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone,

I'm a male in my mid-30's and married, but I want to be able to admit to myself that I may be bi-sexual. I'm attracted to men like I am to women, but I love watching gay anal and shemale porn as well as straight porn. I have also had a same-sex experience with a friend when we are in our early 20's, which involved oral and anal sex where I was the "top". I'd love to have sex with him again, but I'm not going to as I'm married now, and I've ordered a realistic penis sex toy for myself.

The thing is, I just feel so guilty keeping this from my wife and even though the signs are there I'm scared to admit it to myself. What do I do?

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A female reader, litf United States +, writes (9 June 2018):

Yes she needs to know and you need to do this with a therapist otherwise you are going to cause harm. I feel like there is a disconnect on your part. You want to pursue a relationship with another partner who happens to be a male. Even if you told her you were bisexual before, unless you had agreed to an open relationship, you can not pursue a relationship with a female or a male.

I honestly don't think you really need to be married right but it is done now. The thing is you have to decide if you want to save your marriage. If by some chance she is at all understanding most likely she is not going to be ok with you cheating on her with another person. So it comes down to do you want to be married?

Most people are going to be attracted to someone else while they are married but it doesn't mean one is going to act on it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2018):

You knew about this before you married your wife. And so, you have been living a lie and you have knowingly deceived her.

You needed to tell her about this before she married you.

Since you did not do that, you will have to do it now. I do not believe in hiding things from somebody you have vowed to share your life with so that it does not rock the boat. The boat you will eventually capsize if you go on with this charade. It is purely selfish on your part to hide the truth from her. From the beginning and from this point forward. It is plain wrong. And it is completely unfair to your wife.

Do you really believe there won't come a point that she will not find this out on her own in some way? The truth always has a way of surfacing. Always. And once that happens, it will be much, more worse because then she will then know you were keeping this huge secret from her for all these years. AND she will assume the worst of you. She will believe you kept it from her because you were cheating on her with men all along. There will be no forgiveness on her part and there will be no turning back. Lies and deceit cause more hurt than honesty ever could.

You cannot make decisions for her. She needs to know so that she can make decisions for herself. I do believe you are incredibly selfish and want to have everything your way, without consideration of your wife's feelings.

I told my partner about a sexual experience I had with a woman years ago. He did not want to leave me or did not think less of me because of it. I thought it best to be honest with him. And he appreciated that honesty. I have fantasies about women. He knows that. I have been completely transparent about this. But that does not mean I will go out and have sex with women. They are just fantasies. I have no desire to transform them into reality even though I had this experience one time. I love my partner. And it is because I love him that I am faithful, loyal and truthful to him.

I can tell you that I was once upset because he and I were playing with a vibrator. I went into his anal area because he seemed to like it and he had an orgasm with it up his butt. A totally different orgasm than he is used to by vaginal penetration with me. He described it as a whole body orgasm. And it bothered me that he got off that way. I think it's because it did not involve me. It did but it didn't if you know I mean. I have to be honest. I was surprised really. We never explored this kind of thing before. I was trying to be more adventurous and tried something new. I guess because a man's ass is taboo with women, maybe we tend to stay away? We tend to associate penetrating our guy and him liking it as maybe he has gay tendencies? So, maybe it scares us or we don't want to go there or open a can of worms? But anyway, after he liked it so much, I started to feel a little insecure. And because the vibrator slid all the way into his anus effortlessly, I started to wonder if he had done it before or had some guy's penis in there before? He could see it bothered me. I guess I always wanted to be his Goddess in the bedroom, doing everything possible to please him - having that market cornered so to speak - but I don't have a penis. So, I'm powerless there.

I asked him whether he ever fantasized about having sex with men or if he ever did have sex with men. He answered no that he never had sex with a man before. Also that he did not fantasize about men. But curiously, he did say he thought about bisexuality and then rejected it, saying he didn't want to do it. I thought that seemed like a strange thing to say, whatever that meant. He never did clarify. And I never got clarity.

Women tend to take it more personally if their guy has bisexual feelings. It is just the way it is. And yes, TylerSage is right. We do think of him as more feminine if we know this about him and his value drops in our eyes. And I see it as a turn off to be quite honest. Although we like our men to have feminine traits like empathy and understanding and sensitivity, we do not like a feminine man. Know what I mean? We also like to count on a man's strength. His take charge attitude. We are drawn to his raw masculinity. So, the minute we hear he finds gay sex appealing, I think whether it is consciously or subconsciously, we start to lose respect for him. And attraction could follow.

I understand you don't want to risk losing your marriage based on your revelation. But you put your marriage at risk from the very start by withholding this information from your wife.

Living with this secret will become quite stressful for you. And once you start to cave from the pressure of keeping secrets and feeling guilty, you will start to show cracks in your armour. And she will pick up on it. We women have this uncanny ability of reading our men like a book. We pick up on all changes, even subtle. It is called women's intuition. But, then I am sure you already know that.

I believe it's best to live life honestly and openly. On a clean slate. Whatever happens, happens. But it is better than living in guilt, weighted down by lies and the ensuing stress caused by it all. The house of cards you have created will come tumbling down. It's a matter of when not if. Don't you think it's best you are honest with her now before this happens? Maybe try telling her in a casual way that you have fantasized about men, after watching a porno together. Don't do it in a serious tone. But rather a casual one. Maybe this will soften the blow a little. Tell her you had an experience with a guy but were afraid to tell her because you thought she would think less of you and hate your for it and were only trying to spare her feelings. Hopefully she will understand. Hopefully.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (6 June 2018):

TylerSage agony auntIf it has reached a point where you feel guilty and isolated because of your new found sexuality it is understandable that you wish to share your growth with the ones you love. However, you may have to come to terms with the fact that should you tell your wife it could regrettably lead to a path of destruction for your marriage.

My words aren't to scare you but to highlight the reality of marriage, as well as the reality of the modern day woman. Just showing small interest in another woman is enough to send a spouse spiral into thinking that she isn't enough or has somehow caused a problem in the relationship. No matter how much you reassure her that you have no plans to run off into the sunset with anyone else, a part of her will always believe that is the case. Chances are you may be judged, you may be rejected or she may hold it over your head for the rest of your life.

Many straight women, if not most aren't very open to the idea of two men being together when it comes to their significant other or personal relationships. To them, a gay man destroys his masculinity by being with another man but a woman's femininity remains intact should she experiments or show interest in other women. They see it very differently.

Women can be very tricky. You could pour your heart out to her immediately releasing a big weight from your shoulders only to be met with immediate judgement and criticism. You could keep it in for the rest of your life and be told that you're an emotionless hump who shares nothing with her. Women want constant reassurance that everything is OK even when things are falling a part. Sharing this with her could change how she sees you. She might all of a sudden think you're more feminine, scrutinise your choice of clothes, or food, the TV shows you watch, completely freak when you hang with guy friends, stop trusting you, start piecing things together from the past, and reassuring her might now become harder and harder to do.

Personally, unless you're currently cheating on her with a man, or want a threesome with a man or caught a STD from a man, I honestly don't think she needs to know. You chose her and you're happy with her, just enjoy the fact that you are growing and learning more about yourself. If she randomly asked you one day, that's up to you to be honest or let it slide. You know your wife better than me, for all I know she might give you a big hug and thing it's absolutely adorable and sexy that you're into guys.

I pride myself on being honest and straight forward with people, but I've also learnt the hard way that sometimes people don't care to hear the truth, nor can some handle it.

Just know what consequences may arise if you tell her.

All the very best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018):

I'm a gay man. My opinion is, you should never have hidden this information from the woman who is now your wife.

This is horrendously deceptive! Now you can't tell her? Only because you know it will most likely be the end of your marriage. Presuming that matters to you.

Frankly speaking, you may as well be out with it; since you're now wanting to have sex with men, and you're watching porn. To be specific, gay porn! This is truly your coming-out like gang-busters; but with an unbelievable crudeness!

Your wife married you based on the belief you are heterosexual; and you knowingly and consciously attempted to mislead her. It would be fine to withhold this from your spouse; if you weren't engaging in the use of porn, and contemplating having sex with men! Some bisexual-men have lived a lifetime in marriage, choosing women over men. For those who wanted to have a wife and a family, as many do.

Not because they were forced to; but because they wanted to!

You've pulled the proverbial "bait and switch!"

There are many men out there who may have a bisexual-nature; but they are true to the one they've married, and keep that part of themselves restrained and controlled. As would a heterosexual-male; who doesn't wish to cheat on his spouse with another woman.

Due to the fact you are carrying on a duel-personality and secretive-lifestyle; by which I mean you desire men, and satisfy your gay-yearnings with substitutes. You may as well come clean; and let the chips fall where they may. You shouldn't expect to stay in your marriage; while actively engaging in homosexual-sex. That would take a lot of nerve and audacity!

Open-marriage is sometimes an alternative; but makes no sense! It seems only logical that you may as well openly-live the lifestyle that comes natural to you...and be single while doing it! Instead of subjecting the institution of marriage to promiscuity, uncensored conduct, and polyamory.

Why the hell do people bother to take vows??? Waste all that money on weddings???

You are living a lie, sir. It's not the same as someone who has never touched another man, or is conflicted; but doesn't act on those sexual-impulses. Sympathetically making a personal-sacrifice for the sake of love, decency, devotion, and the protection of their marriage. Not just ruthless selfishness, and self-indulgence! Speaking generally, not directing that specifically at you, my dear sir!

If you had divulged the truth prior to marrying her; she would have had a choice. Some women adapt to the knowledge; and will accept that side of their spouse, as long as he didn't cheat on them. Some may agree to an open-marriage; but the point being...they were given the choice! They were told the truth; and had some foundation to build their love and trust on.

It is likely she will be shocked and totally devastated. Hopefully; she may have discovered your porn, and has some idea. If she suspects, and nothing has been said; then under those circumstances, all you'd be doing is confirming what's already known. She would have already had the opportunity to deal with the facts; and it would be only a matter of figuring-out whether to leave you, or to stay.

Under these conditions, she should leave you. You're now succumbing to your wildest gay-impulses. Gay porn and dildos! In addition to your gay-fantasies!

If she wrote the post, my advice would be to seek an amicable divorce. Take her half of the assets; and find a new life and true-love. Even if she were inclined to stay. She would only be in-denial and torturing herself. She would also be running the risk of infection from STD's. You're on the verge of satisfying all your gayest-urges; so why should she bother to stay? This isn't what she signed-up for!

Instead, you have done the unthinkable. You have totally mislead her to hide yourself; but add insult to injury by secretly viewing gay porn, and ordering a dildo. For her to somehow accidentally discover.

Tell her. I can only be blunt with you; although it comes across as judging you. If I love and trust someone; it is based on the assumption I know them, and they would never hide anything important from me that would change how I feel about them. This isn't like hiding a secret love-child, bad-credit, or a criminal-record from your adolescence. This is up there at the top of the list; along with adultery, spousal-abuse, and abandonment. It's the thing that can total destroy your spouse. I hope and pray she's a very strong and understanding woman. That you have been so loving and good to her; that you both will somehow make it through this.

If you truly love her, you have to choose. Her or men. You don't deserve both!

If it's men, you must tell her the truth; and deal with the consequences. I wouldn't recommend her trying to be noble and accepting you as you are. Not if you are betraying her trust by secretly resorting to sex-toys and gay porn; while wanting to have sex with men. You're already contemplating cheating with a man; and with that, you may as well run her over with a threshing machine or toss her in a wood-chipper! You're going to tear her heart to pieces.

I just wanted to let you know how serious this is. The arrogance and nonchalance I perceive in your post doesn't seem to indicate, or suggest, that you fully understand the magnitude of this situation. It's somewhat calloused and quite selfish. I know some cultures threaten the very life of men; whom are forced to marry and hide themselves. You live in the UK, you are under 40, and this was not even a life-threatening situation. It was premeditated and deceptive.

I hope you can somehow work this out with your spouse. In order that sometime in the future; she can forgive you, recover, and move on. I know you must be who you are; but not while you are married to a woman. Show some compassion and respect.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (5 June 2018):

YouWish agony auntHere's the thing:

You're married!

Here's what that means:

If, instead of being bisexual, you're attracted to other women besides your wife, would you be so gung-ho on telling her this fact??

OF COURSE you wouldn't! Everyone knows that being married doesn't stop someone from being attracted to others, but we wouldn't hurt our spouses by making it a topic of conversation! We love and honor and cherish our spouses!

Not only that, but being married means that while we're not dead and we're still red-blooded human beings, we are FAITHFUL heart and body, meaning we don't indulge our attractions for other people. We don't nurse them by ogling, talking about them, or devoting in elaborate cheating fantasies. We go home and give that attraction or horniness or sexual appetite to our spouses!

Honestly. Being bisexual does NOT mean that you HAVE to have sex with both people at the same time. It does not mean that you can't be monogamous! It means that when you marry, you CHOOSE the person you love and stay faithful to.

There's no difference in being attracted to a member of the same sex as there is being attracted to another member of the opposite sex who isn't your spouse. It's still hurtful to your spouse whom you vowed monogamy to to start musing about having sex with other people. It doesn't make it any LESS hurtful or unfaithful or disloyal to start fantasizing about same sex than having sex with the opposite sex.

You can TELL your spouse that you're bisexual! There's nothing wrong with BEING bisexual, but there's EVERYTHING wrong with ACTING on it while you're married. It's just as wrong to go find another guy to have sex with as it would be to sleep with another woman behind her back.

That is NOT some "coming out" journey that she has to "understand" and "be supportive" about. Bisexual people are still morally obligated to be faithful to their partners, and you're playing with fire.

Another thing you have to be careful about is that you might be suffering from mid-life crisis. You're in mid-30's and thinking about a sexual experience from when you're young and wishing you'd done things differently.

Look to your future, not your past. And honor your wife. You can tell her you're bisexual, but that's not giving you a golden ticket to start swinging unless you give her that freedom as well. Something tells me that you wouldn't want her looking up some old high school flame to jump into bed with.

Think it through, man! You do not want to open Pandora's box.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2018):

I'd be devastated if my husband told me that. It would make me feel insecure in that there is something my husband likes and I am unable to provide it for him. Then I'd wonder just how strong his need and desire for another man was. I'd wonder if he'd ever step out on me. And I'd wish he would have been honest with me from the start instead of keeping this a secret.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (5 June 2018):

janniepeg agony auntYou could tell her anything up to "I'd love to have sex with him again." Telling her about your bisexuality is going to cause her to be insecure, like she's not enough for you. Using porn to masturbate is not as bad as fantasizing on a real person, but it only helps you. It does not build an intimate connection with your spouse. The time to tell her this is before marriage, so she could have decided if she wanted to help you with your fantasies. I've experienced a man who liked shemales and such. I did all the nasty stuff (don't want to mention it here). It did nothing for me. It was his decision to not marry me because obviously I was not enough. If I had to do it again, I would not want to help a partner indulge in fantasies that are too far reach for me. Yes, being bisexual is who you are and you are unique, for someone else I guess, not a wife who wants a traditional marriage.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think ones partner is the one to share things with. Intimate things. BUT I think it's also important to make sure she knows that YOU being bi-sexual isn't going to change anything as you believe in monogamy in a marriage.

That sharing is great in a marriage, but that we ARE allowed some things we keep to ourselves. Our own little personal fantasies, a little mystery, if you like (as long as these don't prevent closeness, trust and intimacy within a marriage/relationship).

Personally, if my husband told me he was bi-sexual it wouldn't bother me at all - unless he started to talk about this he would LOVE to to have sex again with someone else. THAT part (the "I would love to have sex with him again" - I think you need to keep to yourself because it will NOT help your marriage one bit if she thinks you are lusting after another person, a man, someone she totally can not "compete" with on a physical level.) I would however find it odd that after 20 + years of marriage this is now "important".

Now you could talk fantasies with her. Maybe you can INCLUDE her in the use of that toy? She might be up for it, she might not. But if you CAN NOT tell your wife/spouse then how close are you?

Just remember that there are things you can put out there... but you can't put them away afterwards.

OK, so you are attracted to men, but since you say you aren't going to act on it why is it important she knows now? You obviously haven't told her about having had sex with a guy in your past so why is it important to bring out now? If you told me now AFTER we had been married a while, I'd seriously question WHY this comes up now.

Also, so WHAT that you are bisexual? Why does it matter? I swear people and their NEED to label every god-darned thing! Your sexuality is YOURS. OK?! Being bisexual doesn't make you MORE special or LESS special than you already are!

I know that might sound offensive to some - not meant to sound offensive but I honestly don't get why people focus so much on their "sexuality labels" like it's the MOST important part of a person's identity. It really isn't.

You are attracted to whom you are attracted too. You are attracted to both men and women. And that is OK. But kind of a moot point as you have CHOSEN to marry a woman.

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