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Did my boyfriend lie to me about spending time with his son? What's going on here?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 May 2016) 8 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2016)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend's son is over on a visit. He has been here for a week. He lives in the Florida and we are in Canada.

Now, I am having some trouble figuring something out.

Can everyone help me? Before I go insane?

My boyfriend was supposed to spend the day with me today but cancelled last minute (yesterday) telling me his son was spending the day with him before he leaves tomorrow.

I text him around 1 to say hello and ask how his day is going. He responds quickly. He says fine. He was doing a bit of work at home. I asked where he son was. And he told me his son was out for coffee with a friend.

I was out running an errand around my boyfriend's place and noticed that his son's car was still not home and it was three hours after my boyfriend said his son was out. I am not sure how many people are out for coffee for three hours. Could be more as I do not know if he is still out now?

So, my boyfriend cancelled our plans today. His son who ASKED my boyfriend to spend the day with him goes out for coffee with a friend? Gone 3 hours and counting? My boyfriend says he is home alone? Why would his son ask to spend the day with him and then go out for three hours? Surely with his son not around, my boyfriend could have spent time with me today? His excuse for not spending time with me today was that he was with his son!! So, did my boyfriend know ahead of time his son would be out today?? Maybe he figures I would not have driven by and monitored the fact his son's car was out all afternoon???

I am wondering if my boyfriend was lying to me. Spending time with someone else today?

What is going on here?

View related questions: his ex, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (2 June 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt When you spend the day with a visiting adult child, it's not the same as if they were 2 or 3 y.o. and planning to cling to your skirts or trousers all day long. Generally, an adult child will go in and out, back and forth, trying to fit in family time AND old friends and other social committments.

Your bf, probably, knowing how maniacal you are about schedules and timetables , did not want to commit himself and his son to a " program " : I'll be with son at breakfast , then alone at lunch time, then with son for a cup of tea at 5 p-m., then alone at dinnertime, then with son after dinner,... this type of thing.

I'm pretty sure that they both decided to play it by ear and to do stuff, together or separatedly, just as it would come, - that's why your bf found more practical to just cancel with you altogether rather than having to account, explain and justify any minute of his day.

As a matter of fact, if this is your normal M.O., to breathe on his neck all the time, I would not be surprised if he had, not exactly lied, but taken his son's visit as an excuse to have some breathing space . So, even supposing that his son had a preplanned 4 hours social engagement , ( I don't think so, but of course we don't know ) and that your bf was aware of that, no wonder that he enjoyed the chance of having a bit of respite , and a few hours all to himself without having to commit to you any waking hour of his free time.

I am sure that you realize by yourself that your jealousy is becoming morbid and out of control- and this regardless whether your bf is, or has been, actually cheating or you or not ! Simply because it affects yur logic processes and leads you to faulty reasoning.

For instance : how do you know for sure that the son was actually out from 1 to 5 ? Could he not have gone out just before you arrived and come back just after you left, and ditto later on ? How do you know that rather than staying away for a long stretch of time he did not just pop in and out ? I am not saying that this is what actually happened, just that the " evidence " in your possession is not nearly enough for you to formulate a good guess about how long this person's absence from home was.

Or : You worry when you don't see your bf's car in the driveway, you think he can be gone from home to go somewhere and cheat on you with another woman.

Well, as for that , he does not need to go anywhere. He could be at home, with his car in the driveway, and entertaining this woman from the privacy and comfort of his own house. If a person is faithful or not,it does not depend from where they parked their car.

i am telling you this not to feed your paranoia, hopefully, just to try and convince you that when , like in your case, you are not the master of your own mind, but it is your mind which owns and masters you, then it is time to seek professionsl help. Regardless of the actual, factual probabilities ( or lack of the same ) of being cheated on.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI think you need to break up with him and take time for yourself, away from relationships - as well as getting therapy. This behaviour, your hold on him (semi-stalking, elaborate stories, paranoia, etc.) is not healthy or acceptable. This is where it starts getting a bit creepy and you are stepping into dodgy territory. You cannot monitor people - and you are lying to yourself by saying that it was by chance; you deliberately drove there because you thought he was lying to you. That's not okay, OP. You obsessed over his son's whereabouts because you wanted to create possible stories that were plausible to you, convincing you that your boyfriend wasn't being honest.

That's not only a waste of your time, but it's torturing yourself and invasive for them, even though they don't know you're doing it.

You're tracking him and his son because you don't trust him. You need to break up with him and sort out your own issues before dating anyone.

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2016):

My guess is that this is how you think a lot of the time.... If you express it to your boyfriend in this manner, your relationship is in trouble, because no one can sustain a loving bond with this thinking between them... unless you have evidence- and you don't, I'd say you never extreme jealousy that needs help professionally

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (1 June 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie I think you need to get help. This is not good behavior. You don't trust your boyfriend because he has cheated on an ex partner, well if their is no trust then their is not point, you can say you love him ect until you are blue in the face, it is not going to change the fact that you don't trust him, you will never feel at peace, or be happy in this relationship.

My fear though with the signs that you are showing, is that you will never trust anyone, as you are always thinking the worst, and your mind is doing over time. You have a great imagination.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (1 June 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntHmmm, would it not be risky for him to get up to no good when he has a son that could come home any minute? Without a crystal ball, who's to say. Maybe it is just a case of him seeking an opportunity to have a bit of down time for himself. Which would make sense as to why he said he was watching tv. my guess is he probably did get your txt but chose to ignore it because he was enjoying watching tv not because he didn't hear it over the tv. Unfortunately is the uneasy feelings of suspicion you are left with when you know that you are dating someone who has been guilty of cheating in past relationships. Nature of the beast.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016):

You sound like you are obsessive compulsive.

You text him even though you said you wouldn't? (then count the minutes it takes him to answer)

You "just happen" to pass by his house? (come on!)

You worry if his car is not in the driveway? (for him or for yourself?)

You develop different elaborate scenarios of what he an his son may or may not be doing?

First of all you are torturing yourself.

Second, you are torturing those around you.

Why would your bf cheat on you and not dump you? I mean if he's found someone willing enough to go through all of the trouble of picking him up and taking him back home, he might as well be with that person.

People sometimes need time for themselves and it can be difficult to understand if you are not like that. People need to be alone, not answer to texts, not worry about what others might think if... blah blah...

Stop poisoning your own mind. Don't give space to negative thinking.

And seek professional help. What you're thinking and what you're doing may be obsessive compulsive thinking and behavior.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (1 June 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntA POSSIBLE SCENARIO

Friend: Hey son of woman's boyfriend, wanna go for coffee?

Son: was planning to spend day with dad

Dad: oh go on son, I can keep busy if you want to spend some time with Friend

Son: You sure dad? Okay friend lets go.

......

in the coffee shop

Friend: hey son, did you see those magazines with the pictures of the latest vroom vrooms?

Son: no, where can we get a copy?

Friend: on the next street, let walk

......

on the next street

Son: gee look at the time, I've been gone three hours, we better get back or Dad's girlfriend will be keeping tabs on me and on dad!

Friend: surely not! That would just be crazy hahahahahaaa

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2016):

It's OP. I forgot to add that when I texted him the first time to ask how his day is, he replied within 2 minutes.

I texted him once more about two hours later. He did NOT expect this text however as I said I would not be texting til tonight. And to this text... which he did not expect by the way, two hours later.. he did not respond til 1.5 hours later, claiming he was "watching tv." Hmmmmm.

Funny how the first one he responded quickly but not the second. So, what was he really doing? It appears I caught him off guard the second time?

Also, his car was in the driveway. He knows I drive by sometimes and if I don't see the car, I worry.

So, is it not possible that if he did cheat, he is now covering his tracks by having whoever he is cheating with picking him up and dropping him back off? Leaving his car in the driveway, making it LOOK like he is home?

AND his son's car was gone from 1-5 AT LEAST. FOR COFFEE with a friend.

And a last minute change in plans?

It does not add up!

Please help me with some logic if there is any! I am way too invested to see clearly or AM I seeing clearly?

WHY am I paranoid? Because he cheated on his last girlfriend.

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