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Choosing Boyfriend or potential job?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 July 2016) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *asminandangels writes:

Hi there, I hope you are all well. I am kindly seeking advice for what is for me a big issue and which I keep thinking over. Basically me and my boyfriend have been together for almost four years this December. We met in the beginning of our undergraduate degree in London and hit it of pretty quickly. Now we are in Manchester doing our masters which we will complete in September. Now, let me tell you - I am born and have lived in London all my life (apart from now). My boyfriend is originally from Germany but has lived in London also since the age of 19. He is now 28 and I am 22, and he is set on living somewhere else (he says quite strongly not England, and not Germany) but somewhere like Australia or America, Africa. Anyways, my preference would be to stay in here in England and find a good job after we graduate so both of us can just live normally. (Even though traveling sounds good, but in an impractical way) Yesterday, I received a phone call from a company who said they have a role for me related to my criminology degree, however it is London. It is working as a fraud intelligence officer with a salary of 24,000 a year. I told my boyfriend about this offer and he has told me that I can go if I want. I asked him what about him, and he said he doesn't know because he doesn't like London (it's expensive, old etc), so has expressed to me quite frankly lthat would not be willing to move there if I was to take this job. I love him so much though and would feel so sad living apart, even though this is what I think a once in a lifetime offer (I'm not sure, as this is the first actual job offer related to my degree which I've received). Plus I'm not sure even if I'd 100% get the job, but I also feel dumb totally rejecting it since we have no set plans on what where gonna do once we graduate in September anyway. He says that maybe if it was in Manchester he would consider staying here for a while. I have emailed the company asking them if this opportunity is available also in Manchester as me and my partner both live here currently (even though initially over the phone I jumped and said that relocation wasn't a problem since my family lives in London). My question is to you all - what would you do in my situation? I know everyone's different but I'd like some advice. I'm currently working at a sales advisor, and today I just felt really depressed in work at the fact my boyfriend was actually ok at the idea of me taking it and us being apart. Even though he said he doesn't want to get in the way of a good opportunity so I know he is also having an interest in what I might want aswell. Also, if I don't take this opportunity I wonder if I'll ever get another one like this? How could I gently let the company down after sounding so enthusiastic on the phone. After all, I might come into contact with the company again in the near future and I don't want to burn bridges with them (hopefully they wouldn't remember me, lol but you never know). Your thoughts would be kindly appreciated. Best wishes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016):

Thankyou for all your answers. He said he would come if he has too but then complains about it being unfair that I'm making the decision for us. In regards to my interview, I don't think he is being very supportive aswell. He doesn't really want to come with me from his heart (fair enough, I'll go on my own) and his reason being is that it's long and that maybe there's a chance of me getting the job and that it would be pointless going all the way over there and then not getting the job. This has upset me, and I asked him why he said there is only 3% chance and he said because He said that me, the op, is not sure how high the chance of me getting it is. (Obviously, I don't know how high the chance is but I'd rather go. I feel like he's tryna say I'm not good enough for the job, I don't know. But he even said that it's not a great job and blah blah. Now he's telling me he would come with me to the interview in London If I really him too. I don't anymore.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (22 July 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt So your bf does not like London because it's OLD ?!! I can't imagine how much he'd suffer if he had to live in Rome. But maybe he could blow up the Coliseum and build a multilevel parking lot in its place.

" When a man is tired of London , he is tired of life " (Samuel Johnson ) :)

Anyway, OP.. no please don't fuck this up. You don't pass up great opportunities because of a " boyfriend " - and a bf who clearly is thinking in terms of " I", not in terms of " couple " : not that this is wrong per se, but maybe you should take a leaf off his book and put yourself and your future first.

HIS plans are too vague for you to revolve around them. So he wants to go to America... or Australia... Does he know, right, that he needs a work visa to work there and a sponsor to get one. Has he already found a sponsor, how many chances are there that he'll find one in the short term ?... what is he going to do abroad, and most of all what YOU are going to do ?

You are, or want to be, a criminologist.... do they need lots of ( foreign ) criminologists in Zambia or Malawi or Sierra Leone ? Somehow I doubt it...USA could be a better choice for you , but, are you going to follow him like what ? Tourist ? Illegal immigrant ?... It may take a good while for him to get his Green card , it can be quite a lengthy process, - and even if you got married ( which you haven't mentioned yet ) a spousal visa is not a working visa, what are you going to do in the meantime ? Waiting tables off-the-book, sitting at home watching your framed degree collecting dust on the wall ?

It sounds to me that his plans are a bit vague and hazy for the time being, ... it's a bit like a kid saying " when I grow up I am going to be an astronaut " - cool,.... where's your rocket ?

Since your goals are clearer, more realistic and , hopefully, within reach- go after them first. Then, when there's a will there's a way, if you BOTH are really committed to make this relationship work, you 'll compromise, you'll sacrifice , you'll do long distance for a while, you'll hustle and bustle, ... if you both want it, you'll come up with something.

But as of now.... "If I stay in Manchester he might stay for a while... Oh really. And then ? How long is it a while ? 3 months, 6 months, one year ? Then what happens, he goes to live his adventure in X place- and you stay plonked in Manchester getting by with some job that was never your dream and your first choice ?

OP, on one hand I understand your hesitations, what you are going through and what you are feeling, you reason exactly how a 22 y.o. in love is expected to reason. Oth, often the decisions we take at 22 on the purely emotional / sensual wave of romantic love aren't the smartest in the long run.

I'd change my tune if he were your husband, - or the father of your children- or your fiancee' at least. But , risking screwing up your life, for just a boyfriend, who btw also happens to have a very different life vision ,and different priorities from yours !? ...OMG !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2016):

Yes it is the original poster, I am just not logged into the account. I keep going back and foward on whether I should take this oppurtunity. Sometimes I feel confident but then I feel like what if where apart :(

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016):

Modnote added: could the Original Poster (OP) confirm if the following post is from the OP?

................

Hi there, I have an interview with the company on the 1st August. I have agreed to attend however I keep getting doubts like maybe I'll be depressed all the time ;( I don't know what to do. But I get that this opportunity is great.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016):

This isnt really a crises at all. Boyfriend is cool with it and understands that you did a degree to work in a degree related job.

It will give you good money for the future and you can stay with family for the monday to friday and boyfriend for weekends.

Or as you live together currently just get a monthly or yearly train pass and commute back and forth daily.

Apart from the train time there will be little change in your routines!

Also you wouldnt want the day to come when he drops you for someone more ambitious!

You can have it all! The boyfriend and the job!x

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (18 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntPlease listen to all the great advice you have got on here and take the job.

Look I know you love your boyfriend, but what happens if you refuse the job and then all off a sudden he leaves for another country and tells you he wants to do it alone? you would be left with no job and no boyfriend. You need to think off your own future and your own needs. If you and your boyfriend are meant to be then it will work out. Take the job and then work on the relationship, if it needs to be long distance for a while well at least you will have your family in London.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2016):

Take the job and make adjustments accordingly.

You know that its the only way to get respect after graduation.

He will go with the flow if he really cares about your future career.

But it seems you may want different futures so be prepared for changes!

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (17 July 2016):

Getting money is difficult. Getting boyfriends or girlfriends is easy.

Proceed accordingly.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (17 July 2016):

chigirl agony auntTake the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't even know yet if you'll actually get it, so what on earth is there to think about? Try to get it! Then, if you have an ACTUAL offer on the table and contract ready to be signed, you can think again if this is what you want or not.

But seriously, even then: TAKE THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trust me, we women make many foolish sacrifices for men, but they are NOT worth it. You can NOT, must not, allow yourself to give up your life, future, hopes and dreams for a BOYFRIEND. He's not even your husband!!!!!! Now, if you were married, I'd say it's a different story. Because if you are married, and say you don't get a job, he would be financially responsible for you. So you'd be secured financially by him. But he is not your husband, so he has NO OBLIGATIONS towards you. And here you are, thinking about throwing away this ONE CHANCE OPPORTUNITY you've gotten so far at a job within your field?!?!?!?! Are you nuts!?!?!

Take the job.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

Take the job; getting a position right out of university is difficult these days and by the sound of it, this position can get your career off in the right direction. The independence you will get from it as you find your feet in the world is priceless.

As for your relationship, it looks like you are the one making a (or will have to make) a lot of the sacrifices i.e. move away from your family,country, job....you are very young now and this may make you have regrets in the future.

Lastly, it doesn't appear like your boyfriend is very serious about this as there is no indication of a future. So what would you be giving up this opportunity for?

Good luck and I hope things work out for you!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

I think you should take the job. Even if you just do it for a year or two, at least you will have some good experience under your belt and this will open up doors for you in other places. If you have a strong relationship, it will withstand a year or so apart (London to Manchester is only a couple of hours on the train so you can still see each other every weekend). I live in London and definitely, for people with an average salary, it isn't the best place to try and buy a house, have kids etc. (it's far too expensive!). But you are still young so I would say take the job, get the experience, and in a few years maybe consider moving somewhere else. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

Ask him outright if he's planning on marrying you and expect an engagement ring to start you on the future as soon as possible.

After 4 yrs are you gonna settle to be a friend with benefits?

Your anxiety about your job is understandable but there is nothing wrong with the countries abroad.

It seems like he's an outdoor kind of guy!

He doesnt want to stand in your way if its what you want but he thinks you are mad if you do.

He's not a culture vulture so London does nothing for him!

The realities of the job and your future life is that you would go your separate ways and he would carry on with his great life adventure with a sun loving replacement.

So are you quitting?

Jobs come and jobs go. I can guarantee that it will rain and be cold in london about 7 months of the year.

Work can be good and awful or just mundane but if you want a future with a funlovin, sunlovin' little family you need to know now that he wants the same with you!

And a dog!

Your folks will visit you abroad if you decide to take the necessarry steps but you have to determine his commitment level yourself.

You could have a lot of fun in creating a new life abroad and if it didnt work out you can always return to the Uk and dear ol rainy London.

So stop stressing about the job ..its always hire and fire as needs be.

You owe them no commitment regardless of what you said.

Stop feeling guilty.Look at the Uk government -they promise one thing and then go back on it without a qualm so why cant you?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

Like the others I also say you should take the job because opportunity does not come knocking on the door twice.If he loves you and wants to be with you for the rest of his life he will come and follow you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI'd go for the job.

As I see it... HE would do the same. And you two do NOT have the same end goals. (you want to stay in the UK, he doesn't).

IF he decides that maybe London isn't so bad (as he gets to be with YOU) who knows? But I would not turn down such a great opportunity for a guy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016):

Sounds as if, after all these years together, that he does not have long term plans that must include you.

Let that be a warning.

Yes do take the job.

If you do not take the job there is no guarantee that he will stay with you. And a really good job to build on and use your skills and your studies in a city you love near family you care about is too good an opportunity to miss out on.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2016):

celtic_tiger agony auntI think you should go for the job.

University romances very rarely continue beyond graduation. They are great whilst inside the bubble of University and study, but once out into the real world, suddenly the rose coloured glasses come off and the cracks and reality begin to show through.

I have a PhD, so I understand the strains of doing higher level degrees and also the importance of grabbing every opportunity if it comes your way. Getting your foot on the ladder is the most important thing, because once there, you can build on up. But it is that first step that is most important.

There is a slight age gap, and although only minor, this will have an impact on your relationship. He is nearly 30, you are still only early 20s.

You have been together 4 years, but you have to be realistic about the strength of your relationship outside of university. Is it strong enough to survive a massive move abroad? Your relationship may not survive, so what happens then if you are left alone in a strange country?

Should you not take the job and move with him to a foreign country, there is a risk that you will end up resenting him because you gave up the chance. If you do split this would be amplified significantly.

If you stay behind and take the job, having a LDR, you have to accept that your relationship might break down.

Ultimately he has told you where he stands. And I think that speaks volumes.

He will do what HE wants, regardless. He IS going to move, even if you don't go with him. To an outsider this sounds like he really is not as invested in the relationship as you.

I think you need to weigh up what is most important for YOU and YOUR future. Take him out of the equation, put you first.

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