A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 21 and can't get a girlfriend. I have been alone for almost 3 years now and it feels really bad. I keep hoping that I will meet the perfect girl for me, but it never happens. There are so many girls at uni, yet I can't seem to meet the right ones.I feel as though the only thing I want in the world right now is a girlfriend. My question is, would a girlfriend actually make me happy? Would I no longer feel bad all the time if I had a girlfriend? I think I would be very happy.I know that desperation and lack of confidence are huge turn offs in women, so I don't go around advertising this. I'm just not very social, and when a girl I like is my friend I never tell them that I like them.What can I do to get out of being so desperately lonely all the time? Right now I just go to lectures, work out, and work all week. I hate partying/clubbing/drinking/socializing. All those words make me sick, but I don't usually tell people that either. I just want to meet someone nice and be with them, not a bunch of social people.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I cannot help you, I'm sorry. But I am just like you and it amazes me that there is someone out there like me. I am 16 and never have had a girlfriend in my life.
I too hate partying/clubbing/drinking/socializing and have never done any of them once. I am very anti-social and have really low confidence.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): I'm 30 OP and it took me until my mid 20's to learn to swim in a social ocean of "alpha's" as you call them. Pretty soon you learn there's no such thing, it's just a projection some guys use because they think they have to. The real alphas don't actually need to act that way they don't actually need to try, they already have the girl and the job, because they're good people that treat others with respect and gain respect because of that.
The secret is to always know who your real friends are and keep them to close to you. They're proof good people do exist. They're the ones who will give you strength, perspective and pick you up when you fall. You can do just about anything with a good support network. You already have that, so people shunning you doesn't matter, water off a ducks back. You don't actually need more people in your life so you get to choose who is worthy and who is not, you can be selective and only have the ones who will actually bring something to the table.
Above all just open your mind to new things, new people and get out there. You may be surprised what you find.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I am pretty shallow. It's just that I have been stuck around alphas since I got to uni. There are so many here that it really put me off socializing completely. I was very open and wanted to meet new people when I first came, but when you are around alphas and they sense you aren't normal, they shun you. It was very painful and it felt better just to lock myself away from everyone rather than to keep trying.You're right about everything. I have been becoming too pessimistic and judgmental of other people as a result of my experiences. I have been finding much better people and getting away from the ones that put me down. The pricks will always exist. I'm just going to have to find a way to enjoy life with everyone else even with them around.Thank you for the advice, I will try to be more open to socializing. How old are you by the way cerberus?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Trust me I know where you're coming from I've had years feeling the same but at the end of the day I had to stop worrying about other people or what they were doing.
Drinking, partying and popularity are not things you should care so much about as to actually be anti them. At the end of the day people do that to have fun, to let go and forget about their normal life for a little while.
It's not what you think it is to be honest. Sure you will see the peacocks and you will the guys trying to "play the game" and you will see trashy girls dancing like strippers. But most aren't like that.
To be honest you say you want to rise about the fake act. How about rising above the overly judgmental notion that everyone that goes out socializing is somehow fake or putting on an act just to get laid. Most are just dressing to suit the occasion, like wearing a dress to a ball, a suit to a funeral, a uniform to school, a football jersey to a soccer game. If you're judging people solely on their appearance and actions when out then (no offence) but that's shallow, the very thing you say you despise.
You don't know these people, you don't know their thoughts their fears or their desires. I dress in my best clothes when I go out, yes it's to look good because that feels good. I don't exactly subscribe to the idea that going out is merely to pick up women to get laid. I like good conversation about history, politics, science, science fiction, video games etc. my general interests as a person. And you know what? A lot of those girls I meet out that you described as peacocks have the same interests as me, have the same need and desire for intelligent conversation, the same need to meet someone nice on their night out that they can have fun with. Because at the end of the day that's all it's about is fun. That's 6-7 hours in the week when they don't have to worry about life and they can just dance and let loose.
Being sociable isn't an act, yes there are lots of people that are fake out there but to judge everyone or the idea of partying as fake is a very arrow minded view. I've met scientists, doctors, lawyers, world of warcraft players, every and all types of people while out. Being sociable isn't an act, it's a need, it's a requirement of our species.
You don't have to go out and get drunk to meet people though. Parties, clubs and pubs aren't the only places you can meet new people, you can go to LAN parties, take up classes, go to gigs etc. there are all kind of places you can go. But the most important thing is to move outside your comfort zone and actually be open to meeting new people.
I did that by forcing myself to do it. I just learned to talk to anyone that was around me wherever I went. In the shop in the pub etc. I'd just talk to people in queues or the cashier. Because every girl will tell you the best way to get a girls number or "chat her up" is to treat her like a friend and talk to her normally. Find out who she is as a person.
I have a distant ex, a girl I dated years ago that was seriously one of those girls that guys fall over to get with. She was a girl of stunning beauty, the type that is so good looking that you just can't help but feeling out of your depth and she was the girl in the room that everyone men and women would stop what they were doing just to have a good look at her. I met her in a club one night where she was working in the cloakroom, now she was sober because she was working and always had drunk guys over there trying it on. I noticed she was reading a Douglas Adams book so I asked her about it and started talking about sci fi, it turns out she was in college studying to be a marine biologist, so we talked about science and science fiction for a good while and I asked if she'd like to meet up sometime for coffee and the rest is history.
The point of my story is this. Out of all the ripped body, tall, dark and handsome guys that came over to her regularly trying it on. I was the first guy to go over and treat her like a person, the first guy she can recall that was not overawed by her appearance or just trying to get with her. I was the first guy that acted like I didn't care about getting with her but that it might be fun to get to know anyway. You don't have to sell yourself out to meet women, you can just be you, in fact that's the best way of being because you just can never tell when a girl is just like you or looking for a guy like you. Even if she isn't like my ex she might be open to meeting a new person.
If you're not open to meeting new people because of your preconceptions of who they are then you're going to be a lonely person until you are.
You don't have to be fake but you do have to be willing. You have to dare to explore the social world and see what it has to offer because at the moment you really don't know. The ideas you have of how it is are very superficial and myopic. You need to ignore your discomfort and just open yourself up to new people and new possibilities or your just going to sit there alone depressed, with a sense of injustice that the world doesn't adapt to you. Whereas for most people we learn to adapt to how things are done, doesn't mean we're fake just means we know and do what's required to meet new people and have relationships.
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female
reader, heart-shaped-balloon  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 No, you will not. Girlfriends will have their own problems and needs and dramas that will be added to your own. They are not an anti-depressant pill.You need to learn to be happy BEFORE finding a girlfriend, or you will just drag both of you down.And throw away the "perfect girl" ideals. That will hold you back and stop you from experiencing a lot. My fiance is my soul mate, but he is nothing like what I was normally attracted to when we first got together. He was VERY different... And he turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me. So just open up your mind.And your friends aren't "putting on appearances" they are ENJOYING themselves. People act differently due to EMOTIONS. When people are excited or feeling goofy they will act differently than when they feel deep or philosophical. And I don't partake in any of what you wrote up there and I have many many friends and go to lots of social events. You are just being overly pessimistic. You assume too many people are acting- what if they just LIKE things that are different from you? And how will you have and keep friends if you're always to yourself? I'm rather socially awkward and inept myself.. And I started out very depressed due to abuse growing up. Now I am happy, still awkward, but I have people who love me because I put myself out there.Maybe you should seek therapy? I honestly think a therapist would help you much more than a girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just can't stand anything social. I can't stand when people put on a facade and become social. Some of my best friends I love talking to about things and being around them, but the moment they are at a party dressed up being a different social person, they make me sick. I hate all the insecurities, money, and time wasted on clothing and appearance that goes into being social. I hate drinking, talking bullshit, the game, pickup artistry, all that shit. Why waste all the time and effort putting on a face and being part of the crowd just for sex and popularity? It all seems like such a waste of life and energy. It is so superficial and empty. I feel like human beings as a species with all our technology should have evolved beyond this. I really just enjoy having a close group of friends and family and no one else. I don't want to have 10,000 facebook friends. I don't want to dress all trendy and be the alpha male peacock in front of all the girls. I don't want to understand and "just be myself" as is always said on tv. I literally want to be the way that I am, without any social pressures attached. I want to discover interesting things and just have fun being alive with the people that I know and love. Nothing else. I don't ever want to have to act around people.
Either that, or I am just a failure with social anxiety disorder and suck really badly at socializing.
Two possible reasons why I don't like going out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): Unfortunately it doesn't work that way or we'd have no lonely hearts posts on this site. Happiness comes before dating. In fact happiness is the most important precondition of dating. If you bring unhappiness into relationships then you only find girls that are equally as unhappy or even a bit messed up not exactly the basis for a good relationship.
You have to be out there, you have to be seen and you have to approach women you like and go for it.
You're in college so if you don't want to do the usual partying thing then just join some clubs and societies. Colleges go out of their way to make it so that people can make new friends just explore one of those avenues for meeting people.
Get rid of that 'perfect girl' idea too, that's one of the main things holding you back. You're prejudging girls too much if you're looking for miss perfect. Get rid of that concept, because frankly the best relationships I've had were with girls that I didn't immediately think were perfect but grew to be perfect for me.
Being unsociable is just leading to loneliness in you, you have to decide which is worse. Biting the bullet and going out socializing or just staying at home alone, lonely wishing that a girl would magically appear at you door and do all the work. You have to get out there and meet girls, you have to find girls you like and you have to ask them out.
Above all you have to find some way of making yourself a happy independent and single man.
You say you're able to hide your lack of confidence, that's not true people can smell that a mile away. It's in the way you talk, walk, move and especially down to your lack of sociability.
Dude I work out, work all week and attend lectures too. But I also go kick boxing, take dance classes, I have a show on student radio, I go out during the weekends and all the time while living with my girlfriend who I spend the rest of my time with. I'd be doing all those things if I was single but at every opportunity I'd be talking to girls and asking for numbers.
Have you figured out why you don't like to go out and do that kind of stuff? "Just because" "or I just hate it" are not actual reasons by the way.
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy +, writes (4 October 2010):
Hi,
Sorry to hear that but,True happyness comes from within.
Why dont you join some social/hobby clubs?
The happier that you are, the easier you will find it to get a GF
Good Luck
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