A
female
age
36-40,
*ipsydoodlenoodle
writes:I recently read a post on your site, it was from a man whose girlfriend had cheated on him and it was said that after 2 or so years he still hadn’t gotten over it. The advice on this site was if he hasn’t gotten over it in that length of time he wasn’t going to, so the best advice was to leave her.I was emotionally cheated on 6 months ago, and I can’t get over it, I can’t forgive it, and I can’t forget it. Instead of breaking up, we are just trying to work at it as best we can. No way will I ever forgive and forget it, but I can’t dwell on the past forever. Doesn’t anyone else suggest just trying to get on with life rather than breaking up? Or is this a totally bad idea?Thanks :-) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PsyCookie  +, writes (14 July 2008):
 I had a similar problem you did. I understand what you mean by "emotionally cheated" completely, because I was too. At first I thought I could not get over it when my boyfriend confessed. I tried to forgive him and forget about it, but I couldn't because the pain was too much. The only thing I knew was that I loved him so much that I was willing to forgive him, but the pain stopped me from doing it.
When he told me the mistake he did, he told me over the phone. He assured me he was completely sorry, on which my heart believed but my head was messing with it. I thought the best solution to get better was to talk over this in person with him. We talked in depth of what he did, why he did it and what I felt about it. He told me he was completely sorry and I believed his words because they were true. The only difference here was that I was close with him where I could see if he was being truthful and where I could feel protected from any negative feeling I could get.
Now, I have really forgave him about what he did. I no longer feel sad about what he did and I see it as a stupid mistake he did that he feels completely sorry about. Of course as you may have noticed, I haven't forgotten about it, but I have gotten over what he did because I wanted to.
So the only thing I suggest you to do is to have an in-depth talk with your boyfriend in person. Tell him everything you feel and think, but don't yell. This worked for me, and I hope it works for you.
Good luck and I hope you end up getting over this situation.
A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (14 July 2008):
 I don't think you need to forgive or forget, but you need to be able to accept that it happened and to work on your relationship without the whole thing being constant suspicion or permanent blame. As you say, you can't dwell on the past forever - as long as you know with reasonable confidence that the mistakes of the past aren't going to be repeated again and again in the future.
I don't believe the theory that some people seem to hold "once a cheater always a cheater". Mistakes happen, particularly if and when someone is emotionally inexperienced or emotionally immature. It's not too dissimilar from someone who once stole some sweets - it doesn't necessarily make them a habitual criminal, although there will always be some habitual criminals just as there are some habitual cheaters.
As I said, you may not be able to forgive it or forget it, but you need to consider seriously whether you can get over it. If not, if it's going to stop your relationship from moving on, then you have little choice but to break up. I would, however, suggest that for most people the break-up is not inevitable for one mistake.
Good luck.
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