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male
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anonymous
writes: i have been married 11 years I love my wife but she is never intimate with me anymore. I know some women go off sex after having a baby, but we have not had sex now for nearly 2 years,we tried talking about it many times but always end up arguing and go round in circles, I moved out 6 months ago ,but would still like us to have a proper relationship but I don't think it is ever going to happen. Do you think I should look for someone else ,why should I hang around hoping that she might change. I had enough whats your advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2006): Jadzia provided great advice re: sex therapy. I would also suggest a full medical workup as well as medication evaluation (if your wife takes meds). As I have posted in other responses, medication evaluation is so important as medications often have a way of flushing sex drive down the toilet, so to speak. Additionally, if you noticed her sex drive diminished after birth, then perhaps her doctor can assess whether she is experiencing postpartum depression (even after 2 years, you ask...yes!) Of course, your wife has to be willing to explore these as well as other possibilities.
If talking with her face to face creates arguments, then perhaps you can write a letter to her that is non-accusatory. That is to say, be sure to leave "YOU did this", "YOU did that", etc. out of the letter. Instead, make every concern you have by using "I" statements. That is, "I feel", "I think", etc. She will feel less threatened by such "I" statements. Additionally, you may contact her doctor. Her doctor must protect her confidentiality and therefore legally cannot tell you even if she is a patient of that doctor, but there is nothing legally that prevents that doctor from simply listening to you and your concerns; afterwhich, the doctor may contact her directly to discuss coming in for an evaluation. Of course, your wife may become very angry if she learns you spoke with her doctor and may even see it as some form of betrayal.
You have 11 years invested in this marriage. Please hang in there a little longer. I understand it is very lonely to the point you are questioning whether to seek intimacy elsewhere. If you decide to do that, you can never take it back so please allow your wife alittle more time and explore every avenue before giving up.
Good luck to you.
K**
A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 There is obviously something bothering your wife and instead of packing up and moving out, try to establish what it is. Why have a married couple not had sex for 2 years? Thats something that you both need to discuss even though you end up arguing, you need to settle it otherwise you will be living as strangers and not partners.xXx
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (27 August 2006):
 There are many reasons why a woman doesn't want sex. A woman's libido is stimulated different then a man's and it takes a lot more work to get it going.
The lack of sex decreases a woman's libido, body image, stress, lack of sleep, depression, and many other outside factors can also.
Many women also have a problem with is knowing and asking for what they want sexually. Many women get into a sexual relationship they find no pleasure in but don't feel comfortable talking about it. The end result is no sex instead of acting like they like it.
Sex therapy might help, it would be a shame and a waste of 11yrs. She might not even know what she wants if her sexual experience is limited, sex therapy will help. It is easier for some to try new things with a counsellor pointing the way.
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A
female
reader, radcliffe +, writes (27 August 2006):
Personally, you need to move on. I put up without having sex with my husband for 4 years! Now to find out he has been having having a whatever with a past friend of mine. I moved out and it sucks but you gotta keep going. If your lucky you have your friends that sided with you. Hope you see the light.
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