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Wife has total control of our sex life

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Question - (7 June 2009) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 May 2010)
A male United States age 41-50, *YerMike38 writes:

I have been married happily for 10 years. Over the last 3 years my wife has taken control of our sex life. I am definitely become submissive in the bedroom. We dont get BDSM but she always decides when, where and how. She loves this control.

Lately she only perfers sex one way. She lays on her belly and wants a massage for an hour. Then she spreads her legs and she tells me to get her big rabbit vibrator. I use it on her doggie style while she instructs me to perform analingus upon her. She has an orgasm in about 5 minutes. She expects me to cum simultaniously, while humping the bed or else she tells me to orgasm while masterbating after she finishes. On occasion she has even left me in the bed without release.

While I do certainly enjoy this, I have asked her on many occasions for some variety. I would like to enter her sometimes and she has not performed or sex on me for years. Now she doesn't even touch or look at my penis. She has stopped using birth control and an unopened box of condoms remains in our night table

Granted, I am a bit under average at 4.5 inches. She would always have a hard time reaching orgasm with straight intercourse.

Honestly we have a very happy marraige and I don't want to add an friction to the relationship. Should I be concerned? Should I press the issue or except my role? Again, I do enjoy pleasing her and I usually get off.

I would love your thoughts.

View related questions: condom, my penis, orgasm, sex life, vibrator

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A male reader, NYerMike38 United States +, writes (3 May 2010):

NYerMike38 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dr. Ash (and anyone else who can offer some helpfull advice),

It has almost been a year since my original post. Absolutely nothing has changed.

First note that I made a typo in my original post. I meant to say the "she has not performed oral sex on me for years" We do sometimes (once every few months) have old fashion vanilla intercourse, but the condoms and her lack of significant response make it less than satisfying.

I took your advice and sought some counseling. I went for 2 sessions alone with sex therapist.

Basically, I was advised that we had a relatively "normal" sex life, although obviously somewhat differant than others. Since both of us were happy in the relationship and we were able to communicate, the therapist didnt see any great problems.

There are no strange things in either of our past relationships. We both come from happy normal backgrounds. To my knowledge neither of us have ever cheated.

There is no doubt that my wife gets off on the control. There is no doubt that she has turned me into a submissive in the bedroom.

Just this past weekend I asked if I could get the massage and be the recipiant for a change. I was really exhausted that evening from a days of hard work in the yard.

She said flatly, "no". She wanted to be pampered yet again. She said that if I didnt want to give her a massage... we could just both go to sleep.

But I was horney so I complied and gave her a half hour massage. She than spread her legs as she remained on the stomach and I performed cunniligus on her for about 15 minutes. We were both really worked up and I went to take off my underwear and put on a condom. She stopped me and told me she was loving this and wanted to climax from my tongue.

After another ten minutes we orgasmed simultaniously... me in my underwear while humping the bed.

She told me it was fantastic and who am I to argue as I came too.

I guess this is ny role and since I love it while I am doing it and usually orgasm... I should just accept it and be happy that my wife still turns me on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009):

If you are happy then why are you asking this question? I think you should be honest with yourself first. What your wife is doing is completely selfish, it could be a result of your sexual relationship in the past where she was treated in the same manner as you now. Anyway you need to go to a relationship advisor and fix this before one of you cheats on the other.

Good Luck

Dr. ASH

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