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Why doesn't he spend the night with me?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 May 2007) 1 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2007)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of two and a half years never spends the night. Literally - in the last three months, he's spent the night maybe 4 or 5 times (not including two short overnight trips we took).

This bothers me. Why doesn't he want to go to sleep next to me and wake up with me? When we were first dating, he slept over all the time, and he used to tell me that the moment I slid into bed next to him at night was the best moment of his day. Now, he just wants to go home to sleep in his own bed.

What's going on? I feel rejected and like he doesn't care about me as much as he should. He knows I like for him to stay over, but he just never does it anymore - if he has *anything* going on the next day, he goes home. I can't ask him to stay more, b/c (1) a lot of what hurts my feelings is that he doesn't *want* to stay with me, and even if he would agree to do it more, for my sake, it wouldn't make things better b/c he'd only do it grudgingly, and (2) he hates it when i ask him things like that.

He doesn't compliment me or treat me as affectionately as he used to, but we're getting along fine, and I'm not worried he's looking at other girls. I just don't know what to do about this. It hurts my feelings, and I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know how to be okay with this (not get my feelings hurt), and I don't know how to ask him to change, and it seems a silly thing to end a relationship over.

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A female reader, mcbirdie United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2007):

mcbirdie agony auntFirst and foremost, anything that bothers you enough to need to write in for advice is NOT a "silly thing to end a relationship over". There is no list of Appropriate Issues To Be Upset Over. That your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to do something that matters so much to you--sleeping together all night--of course feels like a hurtful rejection. You don't need to make apologies for that.

As to why he would suddenly not want to spend the night...there is, unfortunately, no way to tell that without asking him. He may be having trouble sleeping and needing to be in his own surroundings--do you ever spend the night at his place? Or he might be withdrawing from the relationship and not wanting to share those intimate moments with him. Guessing isn't going to help--you're going to need to sit him down and talk to him.

It doesn't have to be about asking him to stay over more. As you say, that won't be satisfying to either of you, since you want him to want it. But you do need to know why he isn't wanting to--and he needs to know that he is hurting you, so he can decide if his reasons are important enough to keep doing so.

After you have the information, you'll better be able to tell if this is a relationship ender or not.

Best of luck.

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