A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do men always avoid confrontations?Just today, my bf and I touched a topic about food and an argument was starting. While I was trying to explain things and wanted him to have his say on this, he just started to say he was going to sleep.I feel helpless. Why is he always avoiding discussing our problem. Every time I raise out a point, he just starts to answer it with an impossible answer, then he gracefully says he is tired and wants to go to sleep. I noticed my ex was also like this. Fights between me and my boyfriend are rare and we are always understanding of each other's sides, I guess that's why. I am not the type of woman who nags, but if something is bothering me, I always make it a point to tell him. This happens about once a month.Can anyone share me some tips how to get my point across to him and a step that I can make him listen to me? I feel helpless and I don't want to always adjust to him just because he refuses to listen and I am left with no choice to do but to ignore my own needs.Thanks all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses, I may not say your name one by one but all of you had provided me good points to think of about this issue i raised.
Thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I am afraid you can't ignore your own needs for ever because it won't make you happy. Trying to ignore them will build an enormous amount of resentment. Until the day arrives when you don't care enough to even try and approach him with issues anymore. Then the relationship will truly start to go down hill!
So that he can avoid confrontation, he is attempting to manipulate and modify your behaviour. He doesn't want confrontation from you, so he effectively shuts it down by ignoring you and doing something else. He is trying to 'train' you. He probably doesn't lose his temper very often or become truly passionate about anything very much. Hence few arguments. I expect he has lots of 'sleeps' instead. No doubt leaving you frustrated, annoyed and rather hurt that he does not feel that a situation important to you, warrants his attention or debate.
His behaviour is in fact, controlling and emotionally abusive. I say emotionally abusive because while he sleeps, he will know he has left you pacing the floor with a stomach tied in knots because he doesn't appear to care. That apparent carelessness is damaging the relationship. He might care passionately but how are you to know when he withdraws and leaves you to struggle alone with issues that are important to you.
One way forward is to ask if he would consider some behaviour therapy. Because he needs to learn how to express himself properly instead of giving 'impossible' answers then going to sleep. And he really needs to learn how to deal with conflict too, rather than avoiding it all the time. If he can't break this habit of 'walking away' from you when there is a problem, he will eventually lose you.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (22 August 2011):
All humans find a system of managing their anxiety. Your boyfriends system is one of avoidance. When something comes up which heightens his anxiety, he takes steps to avoid it. Going to sleep is a great way to do this of course. Some people avoid difficult conversations by distracting themselves and others, creating some kind of drama, getting angry and shouting, or switching off and not really paying attention, to name a few. Avioding conversations and making you feel helpless is also a form of manipulation and control. He controls the outcomes, and the emotional direction of the relationship.
You sound like you are better, and can take more steps in dealing with things and communicating your feelings and needs, but when you reach your comfort limit, you also back off. This is your own avoidant strategy. Instead of asking him these questions, you are asking us on an internet forum.
What would it be like for you to sit him down and say "Sometimes when a problem or argument comes up, or a difficult conversation, you avoid it by going to sleep, or not listening, or avoiding the conversation. And then I avoid bringing it up with you again. What can we do to have those important conversations, for you to be able to listen to me and me listen to you, so that we can come to an understanding on issues that are important?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): What about you listening to him too? There are two points to get through,not one. He may see you as not listening. Do you listen too?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I've met a couple of guys who were/are into me and are like that as well...so I think that the simple answer would be that they're basically wimps!
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