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Why did my ex treat me so badly but he's so good to his new g/f?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My ex boyfriend was very abusive to me. In ways you would never want to imagine. I was such a great girlfriend ifelt like tho. I did everything for him too. Well now he has a new girlfriend and has never even threatened to do anything to her (not that i want him to im glad he hasnt) but at one point in time she said to me how he would never do that to her n i just prob deserved it. what i wanna know is why would i be the one he chose to beat the crap out of when i felt like i was the best i could be for him but he treats the next girl so amazing.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

Well firstly, you definitely did NOT deserve to be treated that way. I do hope you realise that.

The girl he is with now doesn't sound very nice if she would say something like that. Nobody deserves to be abused. I guess it must be really confusing and hurtful for you. You were so nice to him and he treated you badly. Yet he is now with another girl, and it seems like he is being better towards her. It is no wonder you are wondering why.

Please believe me when I say it is NOT a reflection on you at all. There is nothing wrong with you. I suspect it may be that this guy felt a bit threatened by you in a way, perhaps because you were so good to him. Him being horrible to you could have been his way of trying to "bring you down". Or maybe he didn't want to lose you and was trying to somehow control you, by trying to lower your self-esteem. He may not feel so threatened or worried with his new girlfriend, as she may be more on the same level as him. I mean, if she thinks some people deserve to be abused, she is likely to have a frame of mind just as bad and negative as his. I hope that makes sense, it is the best way I can explain it.

But another thing to keep in mind is...how do you know he is not abusing her? A lot of abuse happens in secret, and no matter how this girl may seem on the surface, for all we know she could be hiding things which are going on, maybe not wanting to or daring to say anything. And even if she is not being abused by this guy, what is to stop him from hurting her in the future?

I feel sorry for her, and also concerned for her. But you are the person we are trying to help here, so the best thing I can say to end this reply is to keep in mind that you did nothing wrong, and you are definitely better off without this guy. My advice would be to stay away from them both, and count yourself lucky that you are out of that relationship. You deserve way better than that kind of treatment. I hope this helps, take care. x

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A female reader, Myrrh United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2010):

Myrrh agony auntHello. He treated you like that because hes a bully. Bullies pick on people that they know wont fight back. The other girl is probably different to you and would walk away if he tried hitting her. So he behaves properly around her because he doesnt want her to leave x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010):

She sounds awful saying a thing like that - nobody deserves such treatment.

She also sounds quite hard, which is possibly the type of person who could fight him back. But if she is new then of course he will be treating her better.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are best off out of it.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (30 June 2010):

I suspect it's because of her. Her reaction to you was very cold. She said you 'probably deserved it'. So we know that she's not any better than him, and that he will be aware that he can't be abusive yet because she's a bit too strong. You'll find that the abuse will start to sneak in after a while though. You're a nice girl, whereas she's not really. So two bad people found each other. Just as well. So stay nice and move on from him, and if you ever meet a guy again who abuses you, dump him on the spot. It wasn't you. It was him and now her. They're both just not all that nice.

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