A
female
age
30-35,
*iceandkindme
writes:Okay me and my bf,have lots of fun together.But i get worried about him when he goes on this temper thing.One time i was over at his house,and lets just say this wasn't one of his great days.He was angry,then he started saying babe please can you give me some sex.I was like what?that's what i was thinking in my head...He pounch the wall.I said no I'm not going to give you sex.Whene he pounch the wall i saw like a hole.I went over to talk to him but then he just started kissing me i kinda got uncomfortable and that i actually was.Because he was all over me.We kinda had sex... after that he was like oh my god babe i love you.I try to make him happyy is that bad? Hes my first bf,sometimes he tells me what to do but he tells me things
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male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (9 March 2009):
Well sometimes when people are having a bad day or in a bad mood sex makes them feel better. There is nothing wrong with that.HOWEVER punching a wall is really bad. It is violent aggresive behaviour and isn't the way you should treat anyone, let alone someone you claim to love.Be very careful as I'd hate to think one day he might hit you instead of the wall.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): A lot is said about how you should do it only when you want it.. but I disagree with it big time. You do it when you want it and you do it even when you dont want it to please your partner. Love gives first and takes. Or.. it is not even love. It is a business contract. I have read somewhere that when people get angry the level of testosterone in their bodies increase. We know testosterone is linked with both sexual desire and aggressiveness. That may be the reason for your BF desiring sex when he got angry. When you are in love, you always think good about your partner until they give you very strong proof that they are not good. People saying at the drop of a hat "aahh he is using you" "he is abusing you" blah blah.. dont even know what love is. Dont listen to them until your BF gives irrefutable proof that he is not good. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I always like to think that love equals respect equals caring equals supportive of each other. I could go on, but it could get boring.
Anyways, Aunt Tomas has given the first link and first step toward educating yourself on why your b/f behaves the way he does.
Second step is, for you to further educate yourself, so that you know what to expect in the future. Your next decision will then be a very well informed one.
Why do you need to educate yourself? You want to have a b/f or partner or husband that would give you a lot of love and respect, and you him. You want to have mutual enjoyment in sex, not to be coerced to have sex with him that made you feel uncomfortable and used and scared. The thing that bothers me, as I was reading your question, is that he punched the wall so hard it created a hole or big dent in it. Before you know it, he will be punching you instead. Or throw object at you. (I hope it would not come to this).
How do you educate yourself on this issue? Do your own research, on this site, on the net, in the public library in town, in your own school library, and so on.
What key words do you use to find articles online or in local/school libraries? Try "abuse", "how to identify abuse", "types of abuse", "what to do" "abuse in romance", and so forth. Narrow it down to fit your specific situations. Broaden it to know more of it.
Here are a few sites that you need to access and read up:
http://www.cdh.org/ClinicalServices.aspx?id=9298
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
http://organizations.rockbridge.net/projecthorizon/signsofabuser.htm
http://www.mvwcs.com/redflag.html
http://au.geocities.com/tigrispoet/12signs.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/722093/warning_signs_of_an_abuser_that_you.html
http://dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/2865833-warning-signs-abuser
http://www.articlesbase.com/women%27s-issues-articles/7-signs-of-a-domestic-abuser-you-shouldnt-ignore-240872.html
http://www.womansdivorce.com/signs-of-an-abuser.html
You saying WTH when he asked you for sex to “calm him down” make me glad to know that you know your basic human rights. You know it is wrong, period. Your friend needs help. If you love him, you will try to help him. But only if he admits that he needs help in that department. If he does not see anything wrong in his behaviour, regardless how charming 95% of the time, that other 5% of abuse is still deadly venom.
Yes, sex can be calming and gives a guy a feeling or “release” and “fulfillment”, and women would be happy to do that to please their boyfriend/partner/husband .. but not when coerced. Men can have the biggest grin ever on their faces when their women gave them the most enjoyable “release” they needed, be it before a game (sports) or mid week when they feel a bit stressed at work.
OK, enough lecture from me now. I like your name, Nice and Kind Me. It suits you. And I bet that’s what you are in real life too.
Take care, and keep safe.
Cat
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A
male
reader, girlygirl07 +, writes (8 March 2009):
If the guy is punching walls and shit maybe he has temper issuses be really careful cause he might hit u when he becomes angry.And when he does get angry and asked for sex don't give it up to him! He uses anger to get what he wants, SEX! Good luck girl!!
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (8 March 2009):
For one thing, guys often find the release of orgasm to be calming, and so they seek sex when they are stressed. So that is why he might want sex when he is angry ... in the same way someone might reach for a beer or a cigarette.
But there is something else in your question that you should recognize as a problem. We've been discussing a similar topic over on this page:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-pregnant-girlfriend-left-me.html
I'd ask you to note the similarities, and especially how the guy in this case didn't think he was doing anything wrong, even as he lost his girlfriend (and their baby!).
The lesson for you should be the importance of responding to physical intimidation with consequences, so that you don't positively reinforce that bad behavior.
Good luck.
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