A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry for asking such a question, you're all probably going: Isn't it OBVIOUS? Unfortunately, it isn't to me. So WHY are relationships between students and teachers forbidden exactly?!I just can't justify it. I've tried so many times and in so many ways, but still nothing justifies why this type of relationship is illegal. And I'm sure there are reasons, I just want to know EXACTLY what they are? It just doesn't seem fair at all that this type of relationship is deemed by the public as 'Wrong', 'Dirty', 'Sick', Twisted' or 'Perverted' when two people love each other! How is that fair?!If it's because of the age difference than that's a pretty lame reason, don't you think? This has been bugging me for ages, nearly 9 months, and I just want some anwers?!!! Even if you don't know for sure, any suggestion will provide me with at least something different to think about, thanks a lot xox Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): I mean the following with the best intentions, and I thank you so much for your time replying to my question. Ok just a few things I'd like to mention in pure self defence:I think it's completely fair not to mention vital that "minors" are protected agaisnt these so called "predator" teachers, ones that are perverts and/or paedophiles; I think that is totally and completely understandable, and without question should remain law. What I don't find fair, is how a perfectly innocent relationship is still deemed as dirty or sick or perverted! Does anyone agree with me when I say that isn't fair?!Ok so yeah, I'm a teenage girl. That DOESN'T mean I don't have a mind, or that I can't make my own decisions. He never pressured or forced me to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with. He didn't black mail or bribe me with my grades, and I wasn't his sex slave or anything remotely like that! It was just two normal people, with not that much of an age difference, with feelings for each other. How is that wrong?! Some of you say it's unprofessional. I mean it would be totally unprofessional if a student and teacher were kissing during class, I understand that, but do you normally see student boyfriends and girlfriends kissing during class?! NO!!! So how are teachers and students any different? Some of you say it's because of the age difference, this man was in his early twenties, and personally, I don't think that's much of an age difference to be concerned about. Some of you say I don't have a mind of my own and that I'm a child. Technically that may be so, but I'm a mature, diligent, straight-A student, I'm not stupid, and I know when people are taking advantage of me, and this wasn't like that, this was genuine feelings between two people. Some of you say that it's because of the position of power and duty of care factors. I hate to sound like the love between this teacher and I was different from everyone else, because it probably wasn't, it's just obvious because he never abused that power, never! He never used bribery or black mail. It just doesn't apply here. Some of you say that we should guard these feelings from ever occurring. Well I didn't plan on falling in love with my science teacher, it just kind of happened. And I've always been shy; no one really knew who I was. And then suddenly, I'm this amazingly handsome and intelligent man's world, and I've come to realise how much I want our feelings to be accepted by everyone. I hate having to feel so put down every time I think about him in that way (which is literally 24/7), just because all teachers fall under the category of 'Possible Perverts'. That isn't fair, does anyone agree with me here? I'm not feeling victimised by your replies, really I'm not; I just wanted to put my case forward. I don't mean to upset anyone, because I do really appreciate all of your time, it's just that I don't feel like people really understand what it's like from the teenager's point of view, unless you've been through it. I hope this provides insight, and any further comments on what I've said would be much appreciated. Thanks xox
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Dear "Why?";
As a student Welfare Officer/Counsellor in a school, this is a very interesting topic for me. The main reason society puts rules around this type of relationship is based on 'power'. We recognise, that the 'power base' or the most amount of influence, control and authority, lies with the teacher. We know that at the bottom of every potential and real abuse case is the hunger for power and control. A person already having this control in a school can affect not only the emotions of a student, but even their academic outcome. Seeing as we have not set schools up as a social network, but as a place of learning, anything that can get in the way of a student rightfully learning and achieving a fair result for their work would be of concern. We then need to admit, that not all teachers/adults in this world have the best intentions. As a society, we value the protection of 'minors'. Young people, vulnerable and young enough (maybe in life experience and certainly any power) who may fall prey to those who's intent is to harm. Sometimes "stupid" sounding rules are set up across the board, to guard us from potential harm. Like seatbelts. Only need them when you're in an accident. But how do you plan for it unless you've always got it on? One last thought..have you wondered why a stable, intelligent, educated adult needs to find girlfriends/boyfriends in a school of underage people? Where is their own network?
Just some thoughts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): Let's ignore everything about feelings and emotions because the issue is not that IMO - it's about principle. It is totally unprofessional simply because it betrays the trust that you are given by the parents and the responsibility as a guardian that you have over them. It is an unwritten rule, parents do not hire a baby sitter so that they can romntically involved with their kids. A teacher is a teacher who goes into this profession prepared for their duty and understanding that they have to guard against such feelings from ever occurring - it's like if a soldier goes into battle but doesn't understand that he has to kill. It's simply put not right by principle - it's stupidity and utter unprofessionalism.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Simple.
Power.
The teacher is put there to teach you and guide you, based on the trust that they will not abuse or mistreat you in any way.
The law hold the age by which you can legally consent to a sexual relationship with anyone at a certain point (16 in my corner of the globe).
But even if yu exceed that age, it is still illegal, or at the very least morally suspect, as that teacher is still in a position to coerce and alter you life. He/she could use you attraction in a negative way, like refusing to give a good mark unless you provide sexual services.
Its also because until you are about 16-18, your hormones are still playing havoc with your mind and making you think things that will increase your desire to mate with the nearest suitable person. These natural instincts die down greatly and come under far more control the older you get.
And after the legal age of consent has been reached, yu are no longer the problem of the law. They essentially shove you out on your own in terms of sex.
But whilst most 16 year olds know enough about sex to choose for themselves if they want to have it or not and who they want it with... its still possible that a teacher can use those desires for their own sexual gratification.
Above all, no one should have that kind of sexual power over anyone (unless you are two adults and are into that kinda thing :P) else. We must all be given our right to choose.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Thank you everyone, I have to say you're all right, and I'm sure eventually I will come to realise this completely for myself, but until then I don't think it's going to totally sink in. I understand where you're all coming from, and I mean (Please don't take this personally!!!) I feel rather disgusted when I read other people's questions about teacher and student relationships, but I just somehow cannot put myself in this position, and I know that's hypocritical. It's just he treated me like an adult, as if I deserved all this extra attention, time and work, plus the fact, as alwaysnluv said, that he was willing to risk his job for me. I guess unless it has happened to you, you can't really understand fully what that feels like and how flattering it is. Anyway I thank you all for your help so much, it inspired reasoning I didn't think of before, so thanks xox
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A
female
reader, alwaysnluv  +, writes (10 June 2009):
I have to say, i agree with all of these responses, however, i agree with you too. I too, am a student who was once in love with one of my teachers. He was handsome, young, smart, and had that sort of charisma. He was a man that any young girl would fall for. I especially did. I felt like he was attracted to me, so as time went on, i started to become more and more obsessed with him. Finally, i realized, i was being silly, and there's no way a relationship between a teacher and a student would work out. First, he would loose his job, second, he could go to jail. I realized this is just one of those lustful crushes and soon, i will have forgotten all about him. I used to think, why do people frown upon these type of relationships? I mean, you can't help it if two people are in love. Age is just a number, right? But after reading all these responses, it all makes sense. So thank you to all who replied to this article..it really opened my eyes up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Because being a teacher is a profession and relationship is fun, and you can't mix work and play together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): from a former guy teacher...
Simple. Teachers are in a position of authority with the ability to coerce a student to do things. This is not overt or physical coercion, it is far more subtle.
Read some of those stories about female middle-school teachers actually kidnapping 13 year old boys. The boys go voluntarily and think it is the right thing to do. It is wrong and the boys cannot see why.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): A teacher is in a responsible position. They have to treat all their students alike and not have any favourites. They should not take advantage of someone who is not yet fully mature.
Many young people get a crush on the teacher. They think it is love but it is something else, an idealisation if you like of that person. They imagine the teacher is interested in them because they pay them attention, but take it that the attention is something personal. Look at Dear Cupid and you will see dozens of problems of young people wanting a relationship with a teacher, even though they know the teacher is married or attached.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 June 2009):
At your age I thought the same thing. I didn't see a problem with a 15 yearold or 14 yearold going out with a much older man... as long as she was "mature" enough to deal with it.
This next bit is going to sound really condescending and patronising and I don't mean it to be so I'm sorry if it does.
Now I'm in my 20's and I know men my age and younger I look back and realise that no matter how grown up I felt at 16 and even at 18... I was a CHILD!
I was so immature and naive. Even looking back at my first serious relationship, I had no idea what I was doing. I wouldn't have stayed with him so long if I had the experience to understand that just because you THOUGHT you were never going to love anyone else, it doesn't mean you should stay in the relationship for fear of it being meaningless.
The reason teachers and students are not allowed to date is that teenagers are vulnerable creatures who are basically just still children in many many ways.
You are not emotionally mature and experienced enough to deal with an adult relationship. If you were to date a "Man" rather than a boy your own age then he would expect certain things that you are not ready for. I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about an emotional level of understanding.
Basically this is one of those things that you just have to put up with. The rules were put in place by people much older and wiser than you or me.
The other thing to consider is the professional side of things. It's never a good idea to date your boss. How can you be friends with a person who may have to give you a telling off when you mess up? It's not fair on them and it makes all your good grades look suspect, no matter how hard you worked on them.
If you really are "in love" with a teacher then surely your love will last long enough for you to leave school and be able to see him as one adult to another.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (10 June 2009):
 people say it is wrong because teachers are alot older and they can lose there job.
it is perverted really becuase it's an older man interested in a young teen girl.
whether or not the girl wants him as well.
you just think of your dad going after like one of your friends.
that's the same sort of thing.
whether or not your friend likes him back people see it as an old perve after young girls.
Teachers can lose there jobs because they think it's very unprofessional that a teacher of any age ranging from late 20's to late 50's having a relationship with a young girl the oldest in high school being 16-17 as you get to college teachers become a bit older again so again it's unprofessional and other people see it differently whether the student or pupil feels the same way back that teacher will always get a name and think they should know better than to go after a young girl.
That's why people say it's perverted.
because they feel the young girl doesn't have her own mind they don't feel she's making the decision just see it as the teacher making her.
whether or not it's true.
they see young girls as vulnerable and afraid so they think a teacher who takes advantage of that is a perve for pursuing this.
they don't feel the young pupil has there own mind just yet and aren't sure what they are doing and are enticed.
hope this helps
and makes sense.
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