A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Tell me please a way that a woman can live with a man that is an enabler to his adult children that are married and who is a people pleaser and a co-dependant man. He does not stand up to his kids for anything, he always does everything that they ask him to do, even if it hurts his girlfriend and him. He would actually give up our relationship to please them. This also applies to his sister, brother-in- law and and ex siter-in-law. They basically control his life. He always meets the needs of these people no matter if it hurts me. Please someone tell me how to successfully live with a man like this. I do love him very much and we have been dating and in our relationship for 3 years and 3 months. His family disapproves of me because they alway need this man to be with them because none of them have successful marriages. Their spouses do not provide their emotional needs. This is why I know now that this man will never remarry. He always tell me that his kids will one day include me in the family and it will all work out. They did not treat me like this before him and I broke up this past summer. This is why I know that they made him break up with me. They are so immature and have never grown up. They are cruel and mean people and they act like 2 year olds. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Hi Hunny
I think he needs to back off and pay you some attention, If he was not so available they may appreciate him more and then be more likely to accept you as part of his life, He sounds like a good man who wants to please but he is having the piss taken out of him as kindness can be looked upon as weakness and it is most definatly not...
Try talking to him you can only please people so much and his family should be pleasing him as well so have a good chat hunny, Oh I found a site at last it took awhile but it may help you love..bloody hope so :)
http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/article.cfm/children_who_refuse_to_grow_up
Have a read and see what you think it goes on from younger children to older so with abit of luck it may shed some light on how you can deal with this TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): Well it is difficult to know if his family relationships are more complex than most, but I am not sure if that is really your issue. However,
What you should realise at your age is that this man has a strong past, present and future with all of these people. It is his family, irrespective of whether you consider he does too much or is too supportive.
Your comments on this problem alude to your not being happy when he chooses his family over you. Perhaps if this is the case you have taken this as a personal attack or insult on your relationship. This man is a father. As a parent of an adult child myself, I will never not be there for my son, irrespective of whether he is considered grown. A parent and child relationship is unconditional love, care and attention. I consider this quality in your man admirable. And rare.
Your relationship with him is relatively early in the scheme of loyalty and repsonsibility. He is still perhaps feeling this responsibility which is life unfortunately.
I think you should think deeply about this relationship and if it is for you. Throughout your post you have placed alot of blame or direction at all his family and how they are pretty much disfunctional. Then you consider this is why you are not receiving the attention you consider that he should give to you. What is that all about?
This man has committments, he is, by the sounds of things acting as the leader of his family/extended family. Perhaps for many years prior to you being on the scene he was willingly a major part and influence on this family. Why should this now be an issue for you, unless he is neglecting you unreasonably.
It is highly feasible that his family is not fond of you because you could well be sending out those pissed off vibes we all get. But just remember you are the newest member of his family and the more you accept and acknowledge that he cannot just disconnect, ignore and be unavailable to his family - irrespective of their age - the easier it will be to resolve the insecurities you have with his attention to others.
Not everyone can handle living with someone who has children and close family ties. Not everyone understands the connection between children and parents, unless you have had children.
To insist or be negative about his relationships with the family members, in an unhealthy and disruptive manner, will make him think twice about who shares this life he already has, and how they will contribute to his purpose and personal harmony.
To be honest, it is in my opinion, his choice of how he chooses to assist his family and not yours. Obviously depending on individual situations, if he is deliberately neglecting you then you may have a gripe, if you have been critisizing how he helps or handles things, then he may reflect on the pressure you are putting on him.
So be careful, as silly as it sounds, they are in his life forever, and blood is thicker than walter - You are just starting your life with him, so don't push your luck!
It is always hard to play second fiddle. Decide if you do want to go down this path. Whilst things may get more settled between the family and you and our partner, this issue in varying degrees will always be there!
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