A
female
age
36-40,
*labamgo
writes:I've been dating my new boyfriend for a few months now. Not long after we started seeing each other, he shared that his last long-term girlfriend had died of a sudden illness just a year before. Not long after that, I noticed that he keeps some of her ashes in his living room in an open container. I keep dwelling on the idea that every time there's a draft or a breeze, particles of dead girlfriend ashes go swirling through the air and sticking to everything. Including ME. Am I blowing this out of proportion, and what would be a good way to bring up how uncomfortable this makes me, given the sensitive nature of the particles in question? It's making me not even want to be in his house. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): To be honest, losing someone you love takes a long time to get over. Its only been a year so its highly likely that hes still very much mourning her. But its a new relationship for you and already youve noticed something that bothers you. I have a feeling it wont be the only thing. So if i were you, id start as you mean to go on. Be honest and open with him. Mention it bothers you A LOT that the container is open. Yes, dust of any kind will travel throught the air, so you arent only getting particles on your clothes, you are also inhaling it too. For that reason ask that he pops a lid on the container and maybe keeps it somewhere out of sight when you visit because it upsets you a little. If hes sensible he will understand. If he totally disregards how it makes you feel and refuses to cover the container or pop it out of sight when you are around, then he really hasnt accepted her passing just yet and doesnt care about how you feel.
I wouldnt say hes a weirdo. People can do odd things when they miss someone whos passed away. My sister kept some of her late husbands clothing hanging up in her wardrobe for many years. She remarried and STILL kept her deceased husbands things in the wardrobe along with her and her new husbands clothing. Her 2nd husband never complained, he understood. They didnt make the grade and divorced for other reasons. But no one could fault how kind and sensitive he was towards my sister regarding the death of her first husband.
Its horses for courses. If you think hes weird and things like that bother you but not him, maybe you arent cut out to be a couple x
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Perhaps you sould suggest an alternative like keeping a top on it.
His girlfriend died. Yes, he should get over her, but it is going to take time. Now, as far as we all know, from the information you provided, that is the only sign of him dwelling on the past.
If he does other stuff, and it is too much, and that is the straw that broke the camel's back, then assess your feelings on the situation and go from there.
If it is simply that his gf's ashes hit you and stick to you, I would ask him if he can put a top on it, so that the ashes can be contained.
And again, go from there.
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