A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been stressed lately, and money's the issue.Been married for 3.5 yrs.Not that we're struggling financially (I'm usually well-informed on finances better than my husband is), but the fact my husband siphoned money from our joint account for questionable purchases.We're middle-class, and I'm from a wealthy background. Not Donald Trump-level wealth though.If it was his own account, fine, but it ain't that.He siphoned off $8,400 to buy an SUV when we already have 2 cars, and $90 worth of candy from Amazon, plus $75 worth of athleisure wear for me and $1,300 on gifts which he won't tell me who he sent them to; the gifts include lingerie and snack foods. I estimate he's spent nearly $10k in total. Plus he spent around $600 on an iPhone. So in total that's nearly $11k!We've had screaming arguments and he's been accusing me of being intolerant.This is the biggest conflict in what's been mostly a good marriage, and usually he's handled conflict well.We both want to be CF (child-free) and are on the same page on most issues, usually finances.I'm wondering if it's a midlife crisis, or nearing one, as he's 6 years younger than me.I love him, and in general, he's not a bad guy, but where did this sudden spending spree come from?He's not shown any other questionable behavior and is a good guy, generally; no cheating, no deviant sexual behavior, he's well-loved by family.I just don't understand why he's suddenly spent this much; it seems upsetting and worrying to me as I'm usually better informed on finances.I would like some help on what to do next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2021): $11 is not a lot of money if you are rich, it is a lot if you are average or poor. But most couples have had the sense to work out how to deal with their money at the start of their relationship and make sure that the other cannot get to spend it without their permission etc. Separate bank accounts for example. You cannot change what happened but you can use sense to make sure it does not happen again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): I think it is partially due to a midlife-crisis; and maybe a covid "response-reflex." During the pandemic-shutdowns, people gorged on food, many impulsively adopted rescue pets (now they're returning them in droves once back to work); and DC has gotten a lot of posts about husbands displaying very aggressive and/or perverse behavior their wives have never seen in them before. Who can really explain it? It's like somebody jacked open the backdoor to hell, and all the devils and demons escaped! Human-behavior is so bazaar these days!
He's doing what doesn't seem unusual for a lot of people during the pandemic. Besides the fact you get a lot of dopamine out of shopping! You don't just go out and splurge on an SUV because you just up and thought it would look nice in the driveway!
Is he prone to competing and keeping-up with the joneses? Is there someone in particular he wants to impress, or needs to prove that he has disposable-income? If you have a wealthy-family; he may not want them to think that you had to give-up a lifestyle you were previously accustomed to, once you married him. Some people are ashamed of where they come from, and feel they have to prove something.
Maybe he thinks, coming from a wealthy-family, you stand to inherit money anyway; so you may as well live it up!
You know you can't legally remove a co-signer or co-owner of a joint bank account, but you can close the account. You can withdraw the bulk of your funds; and deposit them into a single-owned bank account your spouse can't get into. That's only if it seems the funds are beginning to drastically disappear, without any explanation. Otherwise, I'd call the bank and request a freeze; unless both parties authorize a withdrawal. You can do the same with your jointly-owned debit or credit cards. Seek legal advice at once!
When money becomes the main source of dysfunction in your marriage, it's time to get into marriage-counseling; and you may want to get him in to consult with a financial-planner. He needs to listen to a financial-advisor, because he's literally exhausting all your rainy-day funds. Thereby adversely effecting your future; by exhausting your emergency resources on spending-sprees and frivolous purchases. I don't mean to cause unnecessary alarm; but some guys exhaust all the bank accounts when they are about to ask for a divorce.
Lets stay calm and level-headed; and assume its a midlife-crisis. Although, I find it inexplicable why he won't disclose who the $1,300 gifts were for? How could he avoid suspicion, if he's being secretive about money he's spending that also belongs to you??? It seems he only spent money on you to make you look the other way. I can't see something as a gift, if I helped pay for it!!!
Spending $11K, assuming he did it over a short period of time; would draw a lot of concern, and he shouldn't be so surprised. What can he say in his own defense, if he's secretive? It's a lot of money; even when you're financially-comfortable, or rich! Especially, when the money is spent on things you don't need, frivolous purchases, and large quantities of junk! There is something wrong; and if he won't yield to reasoning and full-disclosure, marriage-counseling is your ultimatum. I won't mention the ultimate recourse; you already know what that is. Just don't be naive when things seem extremely out of the ordinary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2021): You ramble on and say you are worried and clueless but the truth is that you are worried he spent the money on some other woman or someone he should not be in some sort of relationship with.... i.e. a mistress, secret love, maybe even a man.
If he does not want to tell you then you will never know.
As for the money itself the person who earns it chooses how to spend it. If he puts in half he is entitled to spend half, he should not need your permission and vice versa. If he works hard and earns a lot more than you then he really should not have to explain his spending to you.
You say you have money so spend some on a life coach.
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