Whenever I need to communicate to him about a problem--he shuts down! Help!

A female age 36-40, *orngirl writes:

My bf and i have a problem with communication. When things are good, all is fab. However if a problem arises - namely if I am upset by something - he shuts down. Tonight i came up with a (hopeful) solution to something that's been an issue for a while; he just went really quiet and said he felt really down. It feels like if i say i'm upset, he feels down, and his reaction is to run away. This has led to him suggesting we break up and cheating on me once in the past. I really hoped we were stronger now and want to be in a relationship where we work through our problems and support or care for each other. This couldn't be further from the case. Has anyone got any tips to help him, and also to help with how I approach bringing up a problem? I've read the things on not generalising, not making it personal etc, keeping calm - still the same. Realistically problems arise from time to time and if we break down as a couple each time it happens it'll be the end of us before long - which is such a shame because the good times are so good. I feel scared to say if something's not right because i know how he'll react, however in my book if you don't mention that something's not so good then it's unlikely to change. I also get hurt by him running away because i feel he's turning his back on me and doesnt care. Advice?

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A female reader, torngirl  +, writes (25 February 2010):

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