A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a manager of a team of about 15-20 people. Most of them are men. I have only been in this role for about 3 years so I am still getting acclimated. One of the things I struggle with is what to do when faced with the situation where my subordinates (always women so far) start crying. The first time it happened I asked another woman who worked for me if she could help console the woman who was crying and she did. (She was crying about something that wasn't to do with me directly.) With sexual discrimination being a big deal I don't really think it is appropriate to offer a hug (although I will give a short hug back if hugged first) but it also feels awkward to just sit there and watch someone cry. Mind you, the tears are about work-related incidents and not because, say, someone's relative died. In those situations I think it is okay to get a lot more personal if the relationship warrants. These are more like incidents where a mistake is made or someone is feeling stressed or overwhelmed with a work situation. I am just curious how people handle this in professional relationships. It's not something I expected when I became a manager and I want my employees to feel like I care but I also don't want to do anything inappropriate. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Men always feel we have to have a solution for every problem; so when something of an emotional nature occurs we feel thrown completely off-guard.
I've been through many years of tears with staff and employees. Male and female, and some of my own at the job. Loss of loved-ones, grief over the death of a beloved-colleague; and everyone going through a community crisis together.
You are not required to have nerves of steel and iron-clad resolve in all situations. Just composure and professionalism. You don't go to pieces with the crier, you console them by asking them to take a moment to gather themselves; and you quietly wait. Lower your voice, but maintain a tone of authority.
It's a scientific-fact that nature has equipped women with tears and screams; and it is a biological-fact that a crying-woman can lower the testosterone level in a male-adversary. It doesn't always work in highly-aggravated situations; but it works in less aggressive confrontations. It's why some women (and men) use crying and visible emotion to manipulate. Some use it to bring-out empathy and compassion in someone who refuses to openly show emotion.
Learn how to use compassion without losing your own composure. If you feel bringing another female into the room to assist in calming the person; then you should leave the room temporarily to diffuse the tension in the room. We males exude authority and strength when we are in a position of power; and sometimes our staff, or others, are intimidated by our titles. They may not necessarily be intimidated of us as a person.
You won't see a lot of crying. It's very rare. Just take it in stride, and keep calm. If you're calm, they'll calm-down also. If you act as if you're unsettled or awkward; you'll set yourself up for manipulation. Every time you try to address a issue with that employee, they'll turn-on the faucets. Just show measured-empathy and compassion, dependent on the issue and situation. If it's about job-performance, you best maintain your professional-demeaner. If it's something emotional or personal, but not work-related; allow them a moment of peace, so they can regain their composure. Just be silent. You can seek the help of one of the nearby female-supervisors, or a female team-leader within your unit. Do not remain in the room when someone has lost control of emotion. That is an HR issue. They have no business behaving that way at work, unless they've just been informed of an accident or tragedy. That's not for you to address, they should find their way to Human Resources. You can have a coworker escort them. You can follow.
I don't recommend hugs under any circumstances. If the person loses their balance or falls, of course you would assist them. You are not required to touch her, and if someone has completely lost all composure; it is best to contact HR to have that person escorted to their car, or let them sit in a safe and private location until someone can come pick them up. I don't recommend keeping them on the floor, or in the work area after such an emotional episode; it will cause too much commotion and distraction.
Crying is no big deal. Human emotion is inevitable when you work with fellow human beings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): I agree with code warrior. When I started my career as a boss I was still learning how to manage a team of 40 people. One of my subordinates was having a personal problem and ended up crying to me in my office. I was extremely uncomfortable and didn’t know how to act - my natural instincts took over and I hugged her. After that I literally became her personal therapist. Every day a new drama and she always came to me for advice and upset. Point is I unknowingly crossed a boundary. I was all of a sudden her friend and not her boss. That spilled over in everyday working life as well. She felt like me and her had this special friendship and she could push the boundaries with me. This was 15 or so years ago and I’ve definitely learned my lesson in that respect. Point is you have to stay professional and set some boundaries. I wouldn’t hug your employees. And if they are having a personal problem, just ask the basics. Don’t go into detail about their problems. If my employees start crying I usually tell them to take a breather and relax - I then leave the room. When they have calmed down I go back in and talk to them in an understanding but professional manner. As code warrior said ask them if they need to go home for the day or take some time off to sort themselves out. That shows you care about their well-being but in a professional way. We also have what we call at my workplace ‘the scream room’. I work in a very fast pace and stressful environment so have created this room. It’s really just a cupboard. In it are pillows and a boxing bag. If I have an employee who is stressed at work or emotional they can come to me and say ‘can I have a scream break’. I take their phones off them as this not a break and they have 5 minutes in there before I come and get them. In there they can do what they want. They can scream at the top of their lungs ( the cupboard is at the far back of the building so no one can hear you. They can punch the boxing bag. They can have a cry. I practice meditation and breathing exercises that I have taught some of them. They do that in there to. Get it all out of their system. After 5 mins I go and get them. If they need a bit more time then I let them in certain circumstances. But there has to be boundaries with that too. My staff know not to abuse the room or they will get banned. Usually after that they feel better and come back to work with a bang. More productive and work harder. It shows I care without being a therapist or friend. I’m not saying you have to go that far. Just stick to letting them have a breather alone and letting them get it out of their system. Then talk to them in a professional manner when they have calmed down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2020): I loved Honeypie's suggestion about having Kleenex box!Now, working with people is tough. Managing them, even tougher. And make no mistake, you've been managing people even before you actually got appointed.What would you have done earlier if your colleague came to you with a problem and started crying? You can't (nor should you) solve her problem so you can only listen.But, when you are a manager, usually when they come crying they want something from you. So, what it is that they want? A day off? To be reassigned? Had they been harassed and want to file a complaint? Sometimes it can be vague, they feel stressed, depressed, overwhelmed... what ever that may be, in some way they want you to make it go away.Different people have different set of rules of what is acceptable and what is not. For some people, crying at work is a big NO NO. They will do anything not to cry at work. For some, well, they cry at the drop of a hat.And some people abuse this. So, be professional, as Honeypies has said, get a Kleenex box. Try to see what it is that they want and if it's reasonable, give it to them and reassure them that they are not alone, that they have a support system in the firm. This unfortunately is not true for som many firms. You can also offer them to take a break, get out for a walk (they not you with them), grab a coffee... you can also offer them to stay at your office for a minute to get themselves together while you get out (this is especially useful if they do not have an office).It's tough dealing with people who have some emotional issues or personality disorders. They find it impossible to control when and how they express their emotions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2020): The perspective I see it from is that no one comes to work to be upset or treated badly or spoken to as if they are vermin.So on those grounds I think you need to look very closely at yourself.A good manager is capable of communicating to his workers in a pleasant manner and there should be no tears.A hug is not appropriate.You need to invest in some interpersonal skills either online or through your companies training skills.I don't like the way you refer to these people as your subordinates.They may not be managers but they are not inferior to you.They also have lives and feelings.If I were your higher manager I would sack you for inappropriate behaviour which made female or any other staff cry.But I am not.But as you see I think the problem rest firmly with yourself either due to your manner or tone and a lack of compassion due to the fact that you believe you are superior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2020):
 First of all, get a box of Kleenex tissues. If you can't conform with a hug (which I can understand is really uncomfortable when it's someone you don't know well) giving them a Kleenex is in a sense a show of compassion. It's SHOWING the person that you acknowledge their upset. It's simple gesture, that most people appreciate.
Also, tell them that you can JUST LISTEN, if that is what they need. Are you all right? Do you need a minute?” And “let them say what they need to say.” If it happens in a group setting, pull them aside into a private area to see how they’re doing.
You can't FIX everything (especially if it's not work related, but sometime lending an ear can be helpful. If you can listen without trying to fix anything — and demonstrate that you will not judge the employee for crying it makes a BIG difference for most people.
You can offer to step out a minute if they need to collect themselves (if they are crying in your office).
And then FOLLOW UP a day later. See if things are OK.
If it's in a group setting, you can suggest a quick break, pull the person to the side and ask them if they need an ear or a break.
However, if they are trying HARD to hide they are crying, pretend you don't see it and THEN talk to them after. When they are alone.
People have lives. Shit happens. Roll with it.
I just wouldn't TRY to fix issues that is NOT work related. Let's say one of them got dumped to broke up with a Bf... they just need time. If it's something tough like the loss of a friend or family member, contact HR and find out what kind of compassionate leave situation the company has. And help them sort it out.
It's a little hard to give super specific answer here, because it all depends on the person and situation. I think, PERSONALLY, I would be mortified if my boss felt he had to "comfort me".
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