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What does my lover mean when he says he wants to rape me?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 July 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2009)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My lover keeps telling me he wants to rape me and i'm not sure what he means by this ,why say something like that when we have good sex anyway,does it mean he want's to play act with me and if so and i went along with it what if he lost control and got really violent with me not that he ever has but i'm worried if he did.he also keeps asking me about my other lovers when he is having sex with me asking me if they where better than him .i find it a turn off i'm with him not them so whats his problem.hope someone out there can shed some light on his thinkin for me.

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A female reader, goosie_gander Ireland +, writes (21 July 2009):

i agree with satindesire...if he really wanted to rape you in a hurtful and forceful manner he would not have told you about his fantasy. me and my boyfriend have role-played using a rape scenario and i really enjoyed it as i totally trust him not to lose control...just be honest with him about your hesitations.

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A male reader, Rogerramjet Canada +, writes (20 July 2009):

Hmmm...Well as someone who has been known to use that term on occassion:

I don't think it means what you're thinking it means. I find "I want to rape you" slips out at an incredibly sexually charged moment where i am very very hot for a woman. For me, anyways, "I want to rape you" means "I want to screw your brains out all night long, so sit back and enjoy the ride."

I have never had any fantasies of desiring to actually role-play a rape scenario..

Basically i have given myself over to animal lust, and the only way that i can translate how much i yearn to have sex with a particular woman at that particular moment is to say "I want to rape you".. I think it indicates a desire to have sex that is raw and physical to be sure, but basically it translates in my mind to "I want to fuck you long and hard all night long.."

The bit about wanting to hear about your past lovers while having sex is a bit odd, but i think it's an indicator of a very dominant lover.. That kind of sounds to me like something similar to saying something like "Oh yeah, you like that bitch, don't you?"

I think you're dealing with an aggressive lover who gets off on hearing about how he's the best you've ever had.. He wants to hear you tell him how you're better then every other man at pleasing you.

As someone who has experienced a woman saying this to me without any prompting, i do have to admit it was good for my ego!

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A male reader, wherestheinstructions? United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2009):

Rape is a very emotive word, but in this context of an established loving relationship it has a completely different meaning - it means he wants passionate, dominant sex without all the niceties of prolonged foreplay,etc.

Two of my previous female partners have used this word themselves and said "just rape me" - in other words they wanted me to just do it and take complete control. It added variety to our sex lives and it was a huge turn on for my partner to know that she could have that style of sex, but still feel completely safe.It was also a turn on for me, knowing that she was open to the idea, so that if I wanted,I could walk up behind her in the kitchen and rip her clothes off without risk of rejection.

So talk to your partner, and as long as you both know the boundaries and feel comfortable, it shouldn't be a problem. As to asking about your other lovers during sex, I think he's trying to boost his own ego and level of passion - he wants you to tell him he's the best you've ever had, as it's all part of the dominant play, but if it turns you off then tell him so.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009):

You need to be honest with him. If you don't want to talk about past boyfriends or be involved in his rape facrasies then make that clear to him, if not then yoj can't blame him for bringing it up all the time.

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A female reader, wants to do what is right United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2009):

wants to do what is right agony auntyou can tell by your question that you have your doubts about this man as you yourself said what if he lost control. if this scares you then you should really talk to him about it because obviously it is getting you down. to me he sounds as if he needs reassuring that he is yours which is why he asks about your previous relationships . x x

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A female reader, ilovebowsandcherries United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2009):

ilovebowsandcherries agony auntum!

that's a bit freaky that your lover wants to rape you and keeps asking you if he can.

i mean you're right to be a bit afraid there i mean what if he does get out of control.

i think he'd enjoy the control over you, forcing you to do stuff maybe it's a fantasy i hope it is.

but he's a bit messed up to want to rape you!

perhaps you should get out of this relationship i mean he's constantly asking you of other lovers you've had whilst you're having sex big turn off i'd agree i mean for him to want to rape you and keep on it's a bit dodgey.

perhaps just tell him how you feel about it have a good long talk about it i mean if you really like him if not then just get shot of him tell Psycho lover where to go.

Hope this helps :)

x ilovebowsandcherries x

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