A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I used to hang out with her a lot in high school, but at the time I didn't act on my feelings. Partially because another boy told her how he felt and it didn't go well for him because she was going to leave town for college soon. And partially because I wasn't ready. When she got to college she started dating a guy. When I got to college I realized what I had lost and after a little while I told her how I feel. We continued being friends.This summer I went to visit her in the city where she is going to university. I stayed in her apartment and we had a great time for a week and a half. I was much more open and intimate and I am pretty sure that she enjoyed my company. During my visit we talked about relationships. I told her again how I feel and her reply was something along the lines of "Now's not the right time for either of us. But we don't know what will happen in the future, so keep that door open. Don't miss out on anything because you are waiting for me, but keep that door open and we'll see what happens." Yes, she still has a boyfriend, but she is inexperienced in relationships and from what I know about him he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend. Even she questioned how long they'd be together and told me that other people close to her had too. That's partially because this is the first relationship she's had and there's the common belief that 1st's don't last. She is the kind of person who avoids any drama/conflict, and she told me she thinks that breaking up with him would be really hard on her (obviously, but she holds the idea that it would be the hardest break up she'll ever go through because he was her first- in more ways than one). So, my real question is, what does this answer mean? She knew at the time that there's a possibility that I will transfer to the school she is going to. She wouldn't tell me her opinion of me going to the same college as her because she didn't want to influence my decision one way or the other... Do you think it means she wants to wait and see what I do? Or does it mean I'm her backup guy, or what? I don't think it was a polite no because she said as much.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 September 2011):
 "...from what I know about him he doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend."
That doesn't mean anything, chicks stay with crappy boyfriends all the time - what a girl considers a good boyfriend is very different from what most guys think of.
Her answer is a polite "no." She doesn't want to lose the emotional support of your friendship, but she also is not attracted to you. Having feelings for a girl but not acting on them is the single most effective way to kill any chance with her - it's a lesson all of us guys have to go through at least once.
Your best bet is to stop dealing with her altogether for now and go find a new girl, and ask her out as soon as possible (first time you meet her would be ideal). I say stop all contact (at least for now) with the old girl because in your heart, you're devoted to her, even if you know in your mind that you're just friends. It's screwing up your ability to meet and bond with new girls. Go out, be prepared to get shot down a few times, and you'll meet a great girl who likes you back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): I think now that she is in college she probably wants to gain a little experience. I think you may quite the opposite of just a backup plan, I think she probably would rather date you when she is ready/mature, because she knows you would be a good boyfriend. She may think that if you guys dated now, it would end up badly.
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