A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a strange situation. The first time a guy liked me [in a serious way] I felt so uncomfortable, my life was a living hell. I thought it was because he was incredibly forward and I felt I had no say or control over it. Looking back, that wasnt true. I didnt know why I felt so averse to his attempts. Or why I hated when he left flowers on my door. A few years down the road, I matured a bit, and figured I was much better at handling relationships. But then this boy started to like me. And in turn, I hated him. I thought it was merely a coincidence I 'hated' the next person who liked me. There was only one guy who I actually accepted, and that was only because I liked him before or at the same time as he liked me. It was "my decision" so I allowed it. But even now, every time I open up to him or get close to him, I push him away. I dont like him anymore. But after a few weeks, Im okay with him again. Now, again, there is a boy who likes me. I barely knew him, I went to school with him. I was a bit intoxicated and led him on. But the minute reality set back in, I made it impossible for him to think I was interested at all. But he didnt catch my drift. And I cant help but despise even his name. Since then, Ive realized its not a coincidence, there is obviously something dysfunctional in my head. I have criteria for both Borderline Personality Disorder and social anxiety. I really dont want to hurt this boy who now likes me. I cant tell if I really dont like him, or its just my head. But for now, I cant deal with relationships. Im already pushing him away and probably breaking his heart, and I feel terrible. I dont mean it. But the phrase its not you, its me, really stands true in my case.Also, the boy who Im okay with now, I still have a thing for him. I dont know when I will see him next, but when I do, I will probably talk to him about everything under the sun as he is the only person I can tell my feelings to, and I will probably feel incredibly uncomfortable then next day and feel vulnerable and weak. I know that needs some sort of therapy, but as for the one I dont like.. I dont particularly want to scream "Hey, I have social anxiety and cant bear to hang out with you, sorry." I need to somehow show him im not interested, but also know that its not personal, its just me.
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