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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, Do time off and slowing down really work?Can an emotional and a levelheaded get along?My boyfriend and I have been together 10 months now. We really rushed into things quite fast. We are workmates, and from the start I felt like things were going too fast for me. He is 37 and has had long-term live-in relationships before, I am 30 and I did not. I mentioned several times that things were too fast, that I was not ready to live together just yet when he insisted, etc... He said that he did not believe in marriage but would do it for me because it was important for me. I was so happy to be loved and love back that I gave in to his requests of sleeping over and living half the time in his flat, even if at times I did not feel ready and felt smothered. I trusted his judgment that I was not experienced enough in relationships and that some uneasiness was initially normal.After several small trips together, we took a long trip to Asia at six months and that's when things started going sour. The day-in and day-out of being stuck together 24 hours on a trip took its price. I had organized half the trip and it went well, and the second part, which he organized was all right but not up to my standards, which are quite perfectionist. I made his life hell and let him know several times that it was not to my taste, and I can be quite, quite harsh.Our genuine affection started turning into obligation to please the other, or compromise, to maintain the relationship; if you asked him, he would say that he compromised the most (but he forgets the exact events), if you ask me, I can quote what I've compromised for him. But with this much compromise, has come a lot of resentment that has been building up and turning things sour. We are both type A personalities, quite dominant. Our fights have turned ugly. I have been reading tons of relationship books and marriage advice to try to change my behaviour, to adapt to him, to not take his hurtful comments personally, such as some on my body image or other ones that I was always lazy. He has not tried to change anything - he is of the school to find things on his own. He also goes with pure emotion whereas I try to fit things into rules to dominate my emotions and stay levelheaded. So he can say one thing one week and say the opposite the next week, depending on how he feels.Since our return from Asia in June, things have been rocky at best. We have tried to give each other more space, but he resents the fact that I will not go on his camping trips; we can't even find a middle solution of camping less days. We both feel exhausted, he feels bruised like he's come out of battle. After a few heart-tearing arguments, crying in each other's arms, and some nasty words, I've moved out my stuff from his place, and we've taken a pause for 1 month. Even the rules of the pause and the length were an argument. I did not want the time off, I thought we could still work on the relationship; but he does not wish to be a couple and have 'obligations' anymore. He wants to go back to the early stages of dating and even said that I was free to see other men if I wanted to (but it's the last thing on my mind). I insisted on minimizing the contact - to fit my rules - because I know that seeing him would hurt every time. I know that people don't change - if this is to work out, I have to accept him as he is, radical, intense, emotional and harsh on himself and on people. But he is also faithful, has will, has a spine, and will make a good father. Our sex life was wonderful until about a month ago when it stopped cold turkey. Our lifestyles are very compatibles, and our values similar. We do see each other long term, but can't seem to work out the present. I will go into therapy to really figure out why I am so reactive to his comments and if it's in me to be the partner that he needs. But am I expecting too much of myself? Is it better to let go and figure out for myself that there is someone better, a better fit, out there? Do we have to adapt to our partner or find the perfect one from the start?Thanks for your reading,Emma
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Irish 49+,A little more than a year after, I must say that your insight was indeed right. Our relationship was mosly a power struggle, mostly because at the very beginning (what I described in my first post) the powers were even. After our 1 month break, we got back together, had a false honeymoon in Thailand for a month pretending to be irresponsible beach bums, then we got a house, thinking that it was the road to marriage and children.Boy have I grown since. To summarize matters, once I committed to the house, I gave my power away to him and gave in more and more. And he took the arm when offered the finger. It turned downright abusive, never physically or sexually, but for sure verbally, emotionally and psychologically. I let myself be trapped into his spider's web, started believing all the things that he was telling me, started ignoring my friends because he didn't like them, and yet tolerated behaviour like him wanting to go away for a week-end with a newly found female friend who was clearly after him, and him telling me on another occasion about another female friend 'if I wasn't with you, she would interest me'. Did I invite the abuse? To this day I ask myself the question. Tolerating it does make it escalate, which I only learned afterwards. Only when I received an e-mail saying that I was causing all his problems, provoking his anger, building a bonfire, etc etc..., did I snap out of my rose-coloured glasses and see him for the creep that he really was, with his enormous anger problems. So yes, dear Irish49, I should have gotten out when you said so, but I had to live through this to learn. All in all I came out relatively unscathed, with a little money lost on the house (it's sold!), a lot wiser, and a much closer relationship to my friends and family.Cheers,Emma from Canada
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): Goodness...you both are battle weary! From your letter what is most obvious to me ...that you and your boyfriend have never made the the decision to be a "couple". If you want to ever be together again..you have to fully understand the deep meaning of the word "couple". From what I read of your time together, it was like you both had created a pseudo relationship with no deep commitment, no decision to walk through life together, making life decisions together and working toward a shared goal. There is give and take in any relationship, but if there is no central commitment to live life together, the couple has no direction and one person has to decide whether or not to give up their own wishes and simply tag along with the other. What also is amazing to me here, is that there was an constant "power" struggle between you and your boyfriend. A battle of wills-so that the most stubborn person 'wins'. On this issue I'd say that if the two of you can't decide together where life is going and how you can work together to get there, you should two should probably move on. Life is filled with huge problems and if the two of you can't work together on simple things in "life", you probably won't survive other big problems that will arise in the future if you ever decided to marry and have kids. A relationship, whether married or not, requires some self sacrifice in order to create a new 'oneness' out of two people. In a happy relationship, a couple accepts each other's little quirks, they build, they dream together. Total unconditional acceptance and high regard is what is needed in your relationship to make it work.
The two of you will have to thrash out the commitment issue. It does sound to me, as though your boyfriend is not into making a real commitment. If that is the case, as painful as it will be, I'd suggest that you move on. You've wasted enough energy, tears and time on this guy
Best Wishes
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