A
male
age
36-40,
*man83
writes:I have a very complex situation…in 2004 I met a woman at work. I was 21 and she was 27. I was so attracted to her and although I already had a girlfriend, I had to have her. I approached her and she told me that she had a boyfriend that she lived with, so she couldn’t go any further with me. After being persistent for about 3 weeks, she gave in and took my phone number and said she would get in touch with me. She called later that day and we hit it off very well, she came to my house about a week later and from that point on, we were inseparable. After about a month of us both cheating on our mates, I ended the relationship with my girlfriend and a few weeks later, she ended her other relationship. We became monogamous and had a very loving relationship for about 2 years. I think because of the age difference, our sex drives were a little different, she was 29 and I was 23. She worked days and I worked nights, so by the time I got home, she was sleepy. All of these reasons should not be excuses for what I’m about to say…I ended up cheating on her with a 21 year old girl during the summer of 2007. Here’s the part that is the worst…the girl got pregnant. The young lady wanted me to leave my girlfriend to be with her and my child. I honestly could not do that because I was so in love with my girlfriend but was miserable because of the mistakes I had made. Because she couldn’t have me, in return she had an abortion. For about 5 months I hid this entire situation from my girlfriend until one day I just couldn’t do it anymore. I told her that I could not be with her anymore because I had made some terrible mistakes and she would not want me anymore. I mean I told her everything!! After a major emotional breakdown on her part and mine, I told her that there was no way we would be able to work this out because I was afraid of her getting revenge on me. So we broke up, but after about a month we got back together and she explained to me that she understood that it was just a fling and she actually felt my pain since the girl had an abortion. She still wanted to be with me, can you believe it?Time goes by and things between us seemed to have been getting back to old times, until around November of 2007. Her birthday is on Nov 20 so for her birthday, I got tickets to a concert about 75 miles away. This was supposed to be a total surprise to her but on the day that we were supposed to be leaving, she wouldn’t answer my phone calls or text messages, and this wasn’t like her. I called her the entire weekend and she never responded. My intuition told me that she was at the concert with somebody else. Low and behold she came back on a Sunday and knocked on my door with tears running down her face saying she had done something terrible. She told me that she went to the concert because when I told her about me cheating she started investigating and realized that I was still talking to the other girl. I know I was wrong for still talking to her, but I only communicated with her a few times and it was because the girl just wasn’t in the best place in her life. My girlfriend said that she felt like she wasn’t what I wanted anymore and she only went out to lash out against me. She felt terrible. She felt really terrible when I showed her the tickets that I bought. Once again, we broke up, but not for long because I felt like we were even. There were no more reasons for us to hurt each other like that again. We spent New Year’s ‘08 together saying that this was going to be our year. We both got new jobs that doubled both of our salaries and everything seemed to be looking on the up and up. I started looking for houses so that we would eventually be able to get engaged, married, and live happily ever after. I finally stopped messing around and was 100% committed to my relationship. It seemed that she was too, at least until around May. She started acting like I got on her nerves all the time. She never wanted to go out anymore and it was like even though I did all the things a woman would want from her man, nothing satisfied her. On June 1st, right after she went to see Sex and the City the movie with her cousin, she tells me that she doesn’t think she needs a boyfriend anymore. She says she feels like “our relationship needed a break”, “we never took a real break after all we went through”. She gave me the “it isn’t you its me” routine. She says she just doesn’t feel like she has what it takes to be in a relationship. She still tells me that she loves me and that she wants to be with me, have my children, and marry me, but this is something we must do in order for us to be happy. I recently found out that she has been spending time with another guy. She has told me not to worry about him, he’s just a friend, somebody that is cool to talk to, and that he is cool but he’s just not me. I have gone through so many breakdowns since she broke up with me. I really didn’t see this coming. I love her and I know that I want to be with her. I have been giving her space, but I guess just not enough for her to miss me. She said she wants to fall in love with me again like when we 1st started. Please help me…I have to get her back. I’m a new man that has learned from my mistakes…
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Sorry to say this, but your relationship may be damaged to the point of no return. Trust is a huge factor in healthy relationships.
Each person needs to trust that they won't be harmed, betrayed, or lied to by their partner. Once that trust is broken, it is extremely hard to get it back. Not impossible however....
Obviously, your girlfriend didn't talk about this situation enough. If she had, she wouldn't have felt the need for revenge. Some people can move past infidelity in their relationship, others can't. I think your ex is of the second group.
All you can do is give her space, write a heart felt letter telling her how much she means to you. Acknowledge what you did that was wrong, apologize and assure her it will never happen again.
You will need counseling if she does give you another chance, if she means that much to you don't skip this important step. Ask or research a good marriage or couples counselor.
I can tell you really love her and I hope you get another chance, but whatever you do, don't repeat this mistake, ever!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2008): Bro, I have been in the same position as you and I think that you have just done to much harm to your relationship. Firstofall, You both were cheating on your other partners when you got hooked up. Now, it seems that she was probably doing the same thing behind your back again while you were cheating on her again. It's a vicious cycle and what goes around comes back around. Sever your loses and run away QUICKLY because she's showing you right now she not stable.... and your not either!!! Dont waste anymore time with her and just learn to love yourself and believe that being single is your time to grow!!
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