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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3 years. We are due to be married in Sept this year. The problem is we keep having arguments about a baby. I am 32 and my partner is 34. I have a daughter of 13, from a prev relationship, but have never been married. My partner has no children or past marriages. When we met I said that I would only consider another baby if I felt secure and loved, and, the baby would be brought up in stable married family, as past relationships had been violent.Today we have argued again, as I still don't feel ready for this child, and he has turned round and said "that's why people get married isn't it?, to have children", but I was under the impression that it was because you love that person, not for kids!! Now I feel he's only asked me to marry him out of last resort to get a child. Am I being unfair, and should I still marry him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): It seems your b/f is confused about what the word "marriage" means. Best tell him that marriage is a powerful symbol of union. It is a connection much deeper than simple romantic love. It is a sincere act between two people declaring to the world their pledge of love for one another; a commitment based on trust and mutual respect, looking forward to a future togther. And only when all the above is in place and the marriage is securely in place...does a couple consider adding to the union...by having children.
And of course, you should still marry him. You love him. He just misinterpreted the "real meaning of marriage" and I'm sure you'll clue him in...but do it lovingly because that's just the most respectable & loving way to do it. Congratulations and have a happy, blessed life together!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): No you shouldn't marry him for the wrong reasons. You did say that you wanted another child if the relationship was secure and stable. So he is just acting on what you told Him. He feels you are backing off and of course this is frustrating to him at the same time. Im sure he does Love you and wants to marry you for the right reasons..but I think you have trown in some confusion. If you are not ready for another child at this point you are going to have to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. You also need to do some thinking about what you are feeling for this man. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Sounds to me reading in between the lines you are just as confused as he is.
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female
reader, MyBeautifulRuin +, writes (22 July 2005):
if you are'nt ready for this then wait. if he loves you he will wait till you are ready. you are right to feel like this, it does seem that he does see marraige as a way to get a child! you shouldn't rush into this as it will cause you a lot of unneeded stress and for your daughter too! tell him how you feel and that you'd rather wait a little, and if he truly loves you he will understand, and will stay there for you until you feel it is the right time! good luck. x
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