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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend left me unexpectedly about 3 times during our first 2 years together. After lots of time, talking and counselling it turned out to be related to some issues from his childhood, which we have now dealt with. We have enjoyed a year together without any problems of that sort. However he told me that when we last broke up, he had a one-night stand. Even though we were not together at the time I felt very betrayed. I since feel that I have lost a lot of confidence and seem to be constantly aware of other women on the TV and around me in everyday life, who seem so attractive, and confident, and I just feel like I am worth nothing. I know that my boyfriend only has eyes for me and that the one-night stand meant nothing, but I just wish I could be happy with who I am without comparing myself to everyone around me constantly. It makes me feel down a lot - I'm not overweight, I'm not ugly, I have lots of friends, I have a great job, I love my boyfriend but I've just become increasingly unhappy with myself over the year and I don't know how to get my confidence back.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): Your self-confidence has been definitely knocked out of whack. You did not expect him to do this, did you? It's not unusual for women, to think there's something wrong with them when they find out their partner was with someone else. As you have discovered, your bf did something you totally unexpected, which is only adding to your anxiety & uncertainty. What's happening to you is, you are turning these hurt feelings about your bf's 'one night stand' inwards and you are ending up condemning yourself and damaging your own self-esteem. You are still the same person with all the same good qualities, skills and abilities and he loves YOU. However, by taking responsibility for your own feelings and acknowledging that he did this, and accepting it-you'll give yourselves a better chance of working out what you collectively want in this relationship. The only way this can be resolved, is to sit him down and tell him how this made you feel. You need to feel loved and valued and you simply need more reassurances from him. You begin to negotiate for what you want by keeping the communication lines clear and being honest and forthright. By addressing it together you could improve your relationship, particularly if you're both talking openly. As don't worry so much about whether you're upsetting him about this issue. Being in a loving relationship doesn't mean you have to tie up your self-esteem in being this man's partner but it does mean 'opening your heart' to your beloved. True self-esteem comes from within. It's about knowing that you are lovable, valuable, important and that you have lots of good qualities and skills. Talk to him! Good luck and I wish you the best. Take care
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