A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am falling for a girl that I work with and I am not sure how to handle the situation. We started working at this place at the same time and went though training together, at first we were both seriously involved with other people and both had a baby on the way. Of course we hit things off right away having so much in common with each other we just immediately became friends. Well since then the relationship that I was in ended and the baby that I had on the way unfortunately did not reach term and was lost. All things that have happened in the last few months and this other girl I work with has been with me though it all even though she herself was just getting married and has been seating up for her newborn which is on the way. All of this has happened so rapidly that its kinda got my head spinning even thinking about it now. Well her support for me though out has lead me to know that she is actually a very wonderful woman and a good friend that I hope to have for many years to come. Well the flip side to all this is while she has helped me out a lot now she is having problems with her now new husband. He keeps leaving her for days at a time to drink and play video games. He has recently also lost his job and finances are starting to fall apart for them. All of this combined leads me to where I sit tonight. Even when we first started getting to know each other something clicked right away in fact we jokingly said that if we were both single we would probably start dating. Now almost 6 months latter I am looking at that very possibility. The conversations of course have started getting more and more serious. I have told her that I will stand by and wait for her and will give her any support that I can to help her. I also have said that what I want more than anything is for her to be happy no matter what she chooses and have suggested counseling for her and her husband so that they can stay together. I guess my question then is how can I possibly stick around and be a friend to support her if I am starting to have feelings for her? The other problem is of course that others are starting to see how much we are hanging out together now they are talking about us and are starting to tell me I should just go for it and eventually she will just end it with him and will get with me. How can I stop these types of rumors so that they don't get back to him and it doesn't end a relationship that is already going though a very hard time or should I just let things go to fulfill my own happiness and just say forget him because he's not around anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyones help on this topic its some really great advise and some things that I will certainly keep in mind moving forward. I do understand completely that her and her husbands relationship is completely out of my hands and that is why I am strongly recommending the counseling to them. I am actually really hoping that they work things out for them self as personally just loosing a baby recently myself it is still very hard to think about a little one around. The other thing I failed to mention last night though is since we started working together I have already accepted a promotion and am in a position directly above her at work so ultimately just being hired and promoted now office rumors flying about treading in forbidden waters is actually putting more than just there relationship in trouble but instead its the whole work aspect as well. I have been approached now by well over a half a dozen people including friends colleagues supervisors over both of us and family telling me that I am such a great friend to her and that we should hook up and honestly I tried not to see it that way till I started being approached daily. Up till that point I had mentioned it to her in passing but nothing was really serious about it. I honestly couldn't agree more to wait till at least the baby is born and that was a very insightful tip as far as thats concerned and something I couldn't agree more on, but if she is nearly 8 months a long and he leaves her for days at a time she certainly should not be alone, and personally I can't handle seeing her if something happens to her pregnancy the way that it happened to me. Right now that would just be too much. So being left alone for hours at a time with her, constant outside voices and a strong bond of friendship. I almost feel like it is pushing me into a situation that I am actually trying to avoid at least for now. The feeling are actually growing stronger though by the day, as she calls me on her way to work and keeps calling throughout the day or asks me to come over as of right now no lines have been crossed although I have been very open in my communication with her, and she has even told me directly that I am her backup plan even telling me that is saving me for herself. Its just all very confusing and very complicated right now and the further things go the more complex this whole thing is becoming.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everyones help on this topic its some really great advise and some things that I will certainly keep in mind moving forward. I do understand completely that her and her husbands relationship is completely out of my hands and that is why I am strongly recommending the counseling to them. I am actually really hoping that they work things out for them self as personally just loosing a baby recently myself it is still very hard to think about a little one around. The other thing I failed to mention last night though is since we started working together I have already accepted a promotion and am in a position directly above her at work so ultimately just being hired and promoted now office rumors flying about treading in forbidden waters is actually putting more than just there relationship in trouble but instead its the whole work aspect as well. I have been approached now by well over a half a dozen people including friends colleagues supervisors over both of us and family telling me that I am such a great friend to her and that we should hook up and honestly I tried not to see it that way till I started being approached daily. Up till that point I had mentioned it to her in passing but nothing was really serious about it. I honestly couldn't agree more to wait till at least the baby is born and that was a very insiteful tip as far as thats concerned and something I couldn't agree more on, but if she is nearly 8 months a long and he leaves her for days at a time she certainly should not be alone, and personally I can't handle seeing her if something happens to her pregnacy the way that it happened to me. Right now that would just be too much. So being left alone for hours at a time with her, constant outside voices and a strong bond of friendship. I almost feel like it is pushing me into a situation that I am actually trying to avoid at least for now. The feeling are actually growing stonger though by the day, as she calls me on her way to work and keeps calling thoughout the day or asks me to come over as of right now no lines have been crossed although I have been very open in my communication with her, and she has even told me directly that I am her backup plan even telling me that is saving me for herself. Its just all very confusing and very complicated right now and the futher things go the more complex this whole thing is becoming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I think you should back off as she is still in a relationship with a newborn baby on the way. You have a deep friendship and it is developing well by the sounds of things. She is NEWLY married and has commitments. Why did she marry him if she had no feelings for him? Who knows hows things will turn out for her and her husband when the baby arrives. You both have used each other to lean on during very difficult times in your lives but you may want a relationship with her more than she does with you.
At least wait until after the baby is born because she will be constantly thinking about the father of her child whilst the baby is kicking inside her and even after it has been born. I dont think you should 'just let things go to fulfill your own happiness and just say forget him because he's not around anyway?'. This is for her to decide, not you! If she decides to leave him then maybe you can build upon something but until then you could be waiting forever.
You should continue living your life and support her as a friend and a work collegue. The rumours will stop in time as depending on your line of work I guess she will be leaving soon to care for her newborn, therefore there will be less opportunities for gossip and for temptations to be acted upon. Wait until she returns and see how you both feel then. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 You cannot stop rumors circulating. The only way is not to be seen together with her , which I think is not an option you would prefer.Be more indiscreet in your future dealings with her.You could be seen as fishing in trouble waters.Even if you are just a good friend, others may not see it the way you see.
If she becomes a free agent , then you can move in.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 First of all, relationships with co-workers can be a tricky thing. If it goes sour, you have to be prepared to see them at work every day and possibly relive the breakup pain every day. So there's that.
Second of all, I'm sorry to hear about your baby. That is always a tough thing to go through, and it's good that you had someone there to support you and to help you get through it.
Third of all, it is not a crime or a terrible thing that you've fallen for this girl. That's a natural reaction when someone helps you through a tough time. I think you need to evaluate how strong these feelings actually are. If they are as strong as they seem, you should continue to be there for her through this hard time she's experiencing. Try not to be selfish, and try not to give her advice telling her to just leave her husband (I know you haven't, but I'm saying don't ever!). She'll need to come to that decision on her own. It was very big of you to suggest counselling for them, even though it must bring you great pain to advise her to stay with him, especially if your feelings for her are so strong.
In the end, everything WILL work out the way it's supposed to. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
masq
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