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male
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anonymous
writes: I am needing some advice. I love my wife very much and generally we a good life together but there is one area where we just don't agree. We have been married for nearly 5 years and together for 3 years before that. The sex was great before we were married and even OK for the first few months after. However in the past 4 years it has been very unsatisfactory. Any interaction between us has to be initiated by me. We only do what she wants - never what I might like. She has even said that only sluts and whores initiate sex - nice girls don't. When we do have sex, she does seem to enjoy it. But it is very unfulfilling for me - I seem to be the one that does all the work and get nothing back. I have told her on several occasions that I would love it if she actually participated and took an active part - but it has not happened for a long time.How do I deal with this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (27 January 2006):
It seems to me your wife has some very old fashioned views and beliefs. You know how years ago, how sex was 'meant for the husband', not for the wife. Only he was to enjoy it. They would only do it when he wanted to, despite whether she wanted to or not. Is it possible that she somehow as been brought up to have those beleifs?
Also another idea is that when growing up she was influenced to think that sex is 'dirty', so therefor is shy about initiating it. Yet I suppose that doesnt explain why it has only been like this not to long after you got married.
You need to come up with questions, questions that she can answer and will help you understand where shes coming from. And its a MUST that you tell her how you feel and that you have noticed how the sex has changed not to long since u got married. Ask her why she thinks this is and if shes noticed it. Tell her what you would like and ask her what she would like. Remind her that you want her to enjoy it too. And that it makes u feel bad when she doesnt.
In the end if you cant get her to open up enough to give you insight into whats going on, maybe see a counsellor.
I hope you get this worked out. take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): Why does she say that only sluts initiate sex? Where has this come from?
Maybe you need to find out what is behind this odd view of sex and go from there.
I think also you need to tell her that you want sex to be fulfilling and fun for her too and its okay that she enjoy it and have fun with it.
Maybe also it may be worth discussing the idea of a counsellor. It sounds like perhaps there is a trust problem or something that is holding her back.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): Maybe she is shy and does not know how too or maybe she is scared about getting rejected. But i think her morals and values is what is keeping her from participating abit more, , try and talk to her about this, make her see that its ok to do that sorta thing these days, maybe share some of your fantasies with her and ask if she would like to share hers. i had similar thoughs when i first started out in my relationship, my bf suggested to me that he would like me to take control once in awhile and we shared some thoughs on what we would like each other to do which made me alot more relaxed.
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