A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I sometimes feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. Me and my fiance fight a lot and it has become physical at times. I hit and so does he. I admit hitting is wrong on any level but I feel like my hitting is justified..is that wrong? I find text messages from other girls and sometimes I get so upset I just start hitting. Trust is almost nonexistent. He doesn't trust me and last night when he went out I messaged a mutual friend who happens to be a male to ask about a club. My spouse found this message and when confronted I laughed it off. Then he got upset and hit me once. When I didn't respond I was slapped again. I know this is not normal behavior but I feel his unnecessary hitting is abuse.( we would fight and when i try to leave i've been pushed, keys taken away, phone broken). I just don't know what to do. Do we both need to get help or is there a DEFINITE need for this relationship to end?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 September 2009):
 I would like to say that there are men that are not like him. There are men, friends of yours perhaps, that would gladly help you get out of the situation. These are the people you should be with. I'll admit, I got arrested 4 days after you made your post. However, I got arrested for being party boy for halloween. I did not get arrested for hitting a woman and battering her emotionally, because I feel empty inside. I did not harm anyone, etc.Find yourself a good guy. You can do better than that, no matter what he has said to you. No matter how many times he has hurt you. No matter what he has done to you. You are still a woman with her own gifts, talents, beauty, and worth. You have the right to be happy.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 You have two solid answers already about the toxic and abusive behaviour [in this case to each other] in your relationship.
You did well in coming to this site, and in doing so, you are showing the first step toward "recovery": i.e. you are "acknowledging" that there is a problem.
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Domestic violence http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_abuse
Stockport Domestic Abuse Forum http://s1.stockport.gov.uk/DAF/home.html
Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
Hidden Hurt - Domestic Abuse Information http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/faces.htm
Domestic Abuse - Men have rights too! http://www.domestic-abuse.co.uk/
"Diagnose an Abusive Relationship, Instantly. And Learn the 5 'Red Flags' to be Aware of..." http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ and http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ipas_hc.php
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women http://dahmw.org/
and, unfortunately, many more sites on Domestic/Spousal Abuse.
If you are able to recognize or "diagnose" the symptoms, and you [and your partner] want to work on it so that you will have a healthy loving relationship. Please read up on those articles/sites above and find the nearest support group to help you help yourself.
Good Luck and Be Happy!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): I know that you know it is domestic abuse! And if not I am here to tell you it definitely is! That's how it starts, but it will get worse! Eventually, you will stop fighting back but he will continue to hit you. You will cowar in a corner hoping that it will soon be over and that you survive. More and more of your favorite things will be destroyed. Neighbors will call they police. The cops will get to know you by name. You will live a secret life that you are too ashamed to tell people about. You will make up lies and excuses for bruises and broken bones! And from there it will escalate! You will leave him many times, only to believe his empty promises and his begging for forgiveness. You will put yourself back in the situation "because you love him." You will come to believe that leaving doesn't work so maybe you need to take more drastic measures...you won't want to hurt anymore and will consider suicide, you may even attempt it! And then (hopefully) one day, you will realize that your life is in danger and you will walk away from him and never look back! OR...you can avoid all the heartache and pain and realize NOW!!!!!
I don't have a crystal ball to see your future...I have lived it!!!
Abusive men very rarely change...the odds are against you!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Slaping, hitting, pushing, taking away of personal property and smashing it all indicates a very abusive relationship. You two are toxic together and I cannot believe you even have to ask this question or that you think that any of these such behaviors are ever justified.
Break off your engagement and end the relationship and get some counseling immediately. I seriously doubt that you two could ever make this relationship work in any universe, and you both need help with your anger issues.
Someone is going to end up in the hospital.
Ask yourself if you can ever imagine having children with this person and raising them in this environment.
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