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female
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anonymous
writes: Growing up I have been told that I am a passive aggressive individual. After dating my boyfriend for almost two years, I have realized that he displays the same behavior. How is it possible to help myself as well as him so we can avoid current and future conflicts? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 Be careful with the 'passive aggressive' label. It tends to be overused and misunderstood. There are lots of other words you can use to describe similar behaviour that are not as loaded... stubborn, obstructive, procrastinator, difficult, uncooperative, selfish.
Perhaps it is just the case that the two of you are both strong willed and just don't like to compromise that much? If so, your path is not so difficult. Just practice negotiating with each other in a non-critica,l constructive way. Take turns to compromise, and pick your battles. Recognize that you can't get your way every time, only half the time.
If you two really are both passive aggressive then I recommend some kind of couples therapy with a councillor trained to deal with it.
I would also point out that 'avoiding conflicts' is possibly not what you want to do if you are both passive aggressive. One common behaviour of passive aggressives is to avoid direct conflict and then exact revenge in some underhand / manipulative way. A way then to avoid being passive aggressive is to just be aggressive! ie, just state your mind about what you feel as and when you feel it. In other words, the two of you should both aim to have more direct conflicts, whilst working on making those conflicts constructive, non-critical and avoiding either of you two getting angry or defensive.
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